Hiya everyone, I wanted to just share my thoughts in an open setting. Unfortunatly my sleep cycle had messed up slightly which I feel has added to my low resilience today. Initially I woke up feeling really good (due to my brother being asleep and not being present) and felt quite optimistic about today even though I felt tired. 

I realised after returning from a decent walk that my resilience is quite low, thus I am sharing my experience in hopes to organise my thoughts and also 'put it out there.' Once opening the flat door I am met with the pungent smell of B.O. and stale pee and general sour stink as my brother exits his room which is just infront of the main door. 

I am 'nice' in the sense I fake being ok by keeping my mouth shut and stay away as much as I need to to be able to deal with being in this flat. Truthfully it makes me feel sad because I feel I have to lock myself away in my room and isolate myself from the smell in order to be ok. Interacting with him is fine but it's never a true connection, any resemblence of care and love I had for him has shattered due to now living with him for the past two months. Any time we interact I have to try and hide that I have been crying because there is no outcome from sharing it with him, I have already expressed my triggers and what would be helpful at my end but in his eyes that just makes me weak and pathetic.

I wish the dynamic was safe enough for me to point out 'hey it kinda smells' but instead I have to be 'OK' even though it effects me because If mentioned it would mean that I am the one being unreasonable due to the argument in my head that 'he is his own person who clearly wants to live in this state' combined with past experences in trying to resolve conflict in a calm manner with this unreasonable person who unfortunately is very defensive. 

Its in these low resiliance moments that I find it hard to see any reasonable way out. I feel so alone and sad in contrary to the bright sunny day outside which somehow makes me feel even more sad. I also feel like I'm supposed to 'just be ok' and get on with life. It's important to remember that it's ok to be not ok.

I think today is once again a self care day for me which is nice but also makes me feel truthfully discouraged (the opposite of what I try and promote through advise I have previously given on promoting self-care days) as I wanted to be well enough to work through various tasks that have accumulated and play on my mind. I also really need in-person connection right now and I can't get it. I really need a physical hug from someone I know cares.

I will have a shower and work on small tasks around my room and see where I get. I just want all this low resillience to disappear today :/

I guess to anyone reading this the message I want to try and convay to you and to myself is that it's ok to be in the state I am in. There's always a reason behind the way our bodies and mind react to external factors just do your best to listen and work through things in the best way for you. Life isn't a race and everyone progresses in a different way so don't compare others to yourself.

Thank you for reading <3