Hello all, 

So, I'm not exactly sure how to put into words how I have been feeling. I had my psychologist intake on Monday for anti-anxiety medication. I'm in need of extra support and it has never been as obvious as it currently is. I also had therapy this week, and talked to my therapist about how I have been feeling for a long time. I have been feeling like a boiling pot of water that wants to overflow. I've never felt this way before, like there's anger, frustration, grief, sadness, and just in a way a feeling of defeat. I have been trying to hold myself together for a long time I think. It may have to do with the incredibly shitty year I've had and the fact that I don't think I've had a single moment this year in which I haven't felt worry/stress. I have tried taking a walk, writing in my journal, talking to others, getting into a new hobby, and simply practicing mindfulness, but there's only so much that can do. I know I won't always feel like this, however I've just felt like this entire week has been shit. I've napped more than I have in a long time and yet I still feel exhausted no matter how much I sleep. I'm doing my best, and that's all I can say about myself. 

It has also now been 3 months since I lost my beloved heart dog, and it has not been better, I cry. (letting myself grieve). It's strange but I feel as though others judge me because I'm not "over" the loss of my pet. But like.. a pet is family, she was who I spent a lot of my time with. You can't expect someone to just "get over" that type of loss. Shit.. like, it's tough. Do I think that is what is affecting the way I've been feeling as of late? Yeah duh. I just.. don't quite know what to do to get myself out of this rut that I'm in. 

All I can keep telling myself is that "it's been a bad year, not a bad life." and to just be gentle to myself.

Anyways, thanks for reading/letting me talk. I hope you all are having a better time than I currently am. 

Until next time, 

blue