Side note: this was when he first got together. He wasnt a very nice person around this time. He did and said alot of hurtful stuff to me around this time which is why i left him.

I’ve been struggling with my anxiety recently too, and what I’ve found is helpful when things start to spiral is to identify what are the lies you’re telling yourself versus the truth that exists. Lies might be that you’re not worth being with him or you’re not a good person, but replacing with truth of who you are and what actually happened might be helpful. Try to take hold of your thoughts and not let them run you over. I know it’s all easier said than done, trust me, but it sounds like you may just need to give yourself a bit of grace. But I’m sorry you’re anxiety has been bad recently :(

I think you are having what I call - residual anxiety - from the wallet situation. It can take a day or so to come down from having a big anxiety situation happen.

I think what you did when you two were broken up a year ago, doesn't matter now. If you didn't tell him back then, no sense in bringing it up now.

You seem to realize yourself that this is self sabotage and that you are currently not feeling good enough for him. But think about all the good things that you are. A good person, thoughtful, strong, hard working, nice. You have a lot to offer your boyfriend. He would not still be with you if he didn't want to be with you.

These feelings about relationships would be good to talk to your therapist about.

Until then, maybe take a day or two off from seeing your boyfriend? I think you need some time away from him to regroup and relax.

In my strictly personal cycles, my anxiety daisy chains. One anxiety leads to another until I am panicking over whatever small breeze blows over my porch. ^It^ could well be what Girlin calls, "Residual Anxiety." Several varieties of pros, including my biology profies (it is a cross-species phenom), have told me that hormones are the physical mechanism of anxiety and the daisy chain is caused by on-going spurts from my lymphatic system. In a case such as mine, where the survival instinct were over-developed in childhood, those chain reactions can be fierce.

My remedy starts with the awareness of what is going on. If I know to *expect* those residual effects, the attacks are easier to manage. The Lamaze pant I learned in childbirth classes are my front line response. "He he blow. He he blow." I repeat that pant until I can flow easily into deep breathing. I then begin the trial and error process of discovering which psychotherapy tools will remedy the current round.

An item high on my awareness list is that anxiety hormones affect my thinking process more mightily than a bottle of whiskey or a crack pipe. I don't allow myself to make decisions any deeper than what to have for breakfast while I am under the influence of anxiety. Within this psychoses(pl), What to have for breakfast is the more important decision, anyway. Diet affects my anxiety even more than residual guilt.