Anxiety Support Group

Anxiety is a physical condition marked by intense and persistent feelings of distress, fear, angst or dread. General anxiety caused by routine day-to-day stresses usually passes quickly and is experienced by almost everyone at one time or another. However, such feelings that linger over time and are very difficult to cope with, and which lack a clear cause, may indicate...

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nervous

_Catwoman_
_Catwoman_

for 18yrs, my dad aka 'the sperm donor' was never in the picture. a week months ago, a cousin on my dads side reached out to me and gave me updates on whats been going on, on that side of the family, i wasn't very interested because that side never cared for me so why should i care for them? they brought up on how 'the sperm donor' was interested in meeting me. so for the past 2weeks, i've been tossing the idea back and forth, there's a part of me that doesn't want to because i know it would hurt my mother because he put all of us through a lot during the divorce but theres another part of me that really wants to because i'm so curious about what he's like now and also i think i want closure. i'm now on vaction and i know that he doesn't live too far from where i'm staying. today i reached out to him asking if he would like to meet for dinner some point this week and he agreed. i have such anxiety because i basically meeting up with a stranger who i share DNA with and who i havn't seen in 18yrs. i want to ask question but i have no idea what to ask. 

Bluejay96
Bluejay96
Perhaps just ask him to tell you about his life.

Ask about his family.... parents, health issues, if he has any funny stories to share.

Ask if you remind him of anyone. I had an uncle tell me once I have his father's eyes (which explains why I have hazel green eyes).

I imagine he is just as nervous as you! Keep things light and at face value. Go with the flow and ask whatever comes to mind. You will do great!

(Reassure mom you love her. Remind her you will always be there for her and hope she can understand and support you in this.)
carlyj1202
carlyj1202
So sorry you are dealing with that.
Secouya
Secouya
Cat, sorry you are feeling anxious. I am going to play devil’s advocate here. There are always two sides to every story. It is often hard to see both sides when you may not know all the detail of the break-up or have only heard one side of the story. Give your Dad a chance to share his side and to get to know you. If it doesn’t work out, you have little to lose and can go on with your life. If things do workout you can have a relationship with your dad. Your mom should realize that her child needs to know both parents regardless of her feelings. The only time I would see a concern is if your dad was violent in the past.
arfie
arfie
DNA is bigger than emotional bonding. It's what we are made of and there is significant personal insight to be gained from knowing what's in your DNA and respecting the building blocks of your personal physics..

Have you already figured out that I am going to suggest a clinical approach to the meeting? If you happen to have access to a lab coat, it might help you feel dressed for the occasion. Prepare a list of questions that you might encounter at a doctor's office and take notes while he answers. Might even be worth a visit to your doctor's office to see if they have questions to suggest.

Just a suggestion. . .

Gentle support, whichever way you decide to take it.
Community LeaderMid
Mid
As a person who has seen several of these types of meetings be successful in helping both parent and adult child find positive in meeting in person, remember as mentioned, there are three sides to consider.

You are meeting this person as an adult, as someone who has information that can help you figure out what makes you "you". Treat the person with kindness, respect, and positive. They're just as nervous, because they are reaching out to you as well.

Best wishes, and please know all of us support, encourage, and hope for the best for both of you.
ValerieZen
ValerieZen
Same thing happened to me except 25 years after seeing my father at age 14. I had only met him a few times before then. For the past 2 years he has been in my life (about 4 visits and some phone calls). My anxiety actually worsened when I reunited with him. However our conversations have been very casual. I am working on letting him know how angry I still am as it is very hard to heal from his abandonment. I am talking to a therapist about this since despite all that has happened I dont want to hurt him. However, I dont regret trying to build a relationship with him. It's weird because I use still get nervous when I see him. But when we talk it actually is not stressful at all. PM me if you need to talk about this. I'm happy to listen.
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