Anxiety Support Group
Anxiety is a physical condition marked by intense and persistent feelings of distress, fear, angst or dread. General anxiety caused by routine day-to-day stresses usually passes quickly and is experienced by almost everyone at one time or another. However, such feelings that linger over time and are very difficult to cope with, and which lack a clear cause, may indicate...
Not sure whether to post this in dating or anxiety. I feel horrible about myself today. I didn't even go through a real breakup but I can't seem to get over it and I feel miserable. If you want to skip the story, scroll to the bottom 2 paragraphs.
Long story kept as short as possible, I moved to a new city for work and shortly within arriving I met a girl. She was amazing and we initially hit it off. We started dating. Then work became extremely stressful and I hated the job. That coupled with the transition to a new city with no friends, has led to the most stressful period of my life.
Because of this predicament, I chose to take things slow with this girl. On top of that, I've had little to no success dating, due to anxiety and depression/low confidence.
It got to a point where I was so stressed that I made the decision that we should put the dating on hold, remain friends but leave the door open. I talked with my former therapist about this and she said to discuss our feelings about each other face to face (doing it over text/call would be unfair). So I set up a date to do so.
The night before the date, while I was in the process of arranging details for the date with her, she texted me out of the blue saying she wasn't looking for anything serious right now because of life, but wanted to be friends. On top of feeling disrespected due to the text, I felt very frustrated. I wanted to have that convo in person, so we could clear up any uncertainties. I asked her if she would still want to meet up and talk about it. And she said no, that it would be uncomfortable, since I already know what she's thinking. But this whole conversation was extremely uncomfortable for me.
We cleared things up enough to a point where we both felt comfortable meeting up, for fun as friends. I still needed closure, so I brought aspects of the previous conversation up and it was a little uncomfortable. But I was never felt comfortable asking what I wanted to ask. Was she being honest or just trying to let me down nicely? Was the door still open down the road? Was the loss of attraction due to me taking things too slow? Did she ever want me to kiss her?
Now it's kind of to the point where I don't know if I'll ever see her again and I don't know if that's good or bad.
Yesterday, I felt decent after the last date. But this morning I've been riddled with anxiety and self deprecation. I'm questioning if she ever liked me. I'm thinking about what I did wrong to lead to this point and I'm questioning my confidence and ability to move forward in the dating world. This is the closest thing to a real relationship I've ever had. I can't stop thinking about her and what things could've been if I did anything differently. I felt like I was never my real self around her because of the stress in my life. I still want closure and want to ask her these questions. I'm conflicted on whether or not I should do it.
Through all this, it's become easier for me to accept that maybe she wasn't the right one for me right now, yet Im still conflicted. Maybe I liked the idea of her. But what hurts more than anything else is the idea of not having someone to get excited to learn about in my life anymore. Not having that person to look forward to talking to at the end of the day. Ignorance was bliss. Before, I was happy alone. Now I got a taste of what it's like to have that special someone in your life. My least stressful days at work were the ones where we had something planned together at the end of the day. There was a certain light at the end of the tunnel that I never saw with any platonic relationship. At this point, I feel like I can't move forward in any direction and am desperate for help. If you have any clarifying questions, please ask.
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My day...today...misplaced my debit card...didn't realize it until I got to the register after shopping to a full cart. Used a different debit card and pulled apart everything looking for missing debit card before I left parking lot. Got home, dropped keys. So now I have a missing debit card, missing keys. A full cartload to unload and put away. I got everything put away.Dumped purse for a...
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I don't really know how to label this but I having a rough week and I can't say it's one thing.... I have a lot on my plate which is nothing new and I try to cope in many positive ways and do but I still have my moments.My kids more so my daughters talk to me about everything which I know it's cause of comfort and we are close.... however I really struggle with the venting about their dad which...
When someone texts me with ..., I let it go. Not my problem.
Life goes on, whether we do or not. I choose to be kind to myself and do what makes me feel better. By myself.
Make plans for yourself, put yourself in traveling status, try new things, new places, meet new people and keep moving. You'll find a better balance. Best wishes.
And I think another issue is that I've been doing all those things on my own, even when things were good between us, and she'd always message me about it and fish for invitations. We'd do a lot of exploring/trying new things together. So doing things like that will inevitably remind me of her. maybe not in the present moment of the activity, but definitely on the way there and back. I know I'm obsessing and overthinking. I feel pathetic about that and then the anxiety snowball rolls down the hill and gets bigger. I just don't know how to drop it.
I hope I was able to help, even if only a little bit. Please feel free to reach out if you need to talk or want advice about anything else. You are not alone.
- Sara
I will say this. Sometimes, you let go, and you put the closure on the back burner knowing that it will come later on. I had to do this, and it took almost a year before I was able to have the closure conversation. Ended up it was nothing to do with me, it was something that happened in the workplace, and when we both walked away that day, it was knowing we had done the best we could in the relationship and no one was wrong, it just was not right for either of us.
You can do this!
In short: you're doin it wrong. Overthinking like a mofo. You're young. How you have relationships when you're young is you meet, you go on a date or two, drink lots, shag, if you like it you shack up, get married, have a couple of kids....
lol you don't obsess about the future. You don't 'take it slow because of my depression'. Heck no. That's just a recipe for ongoing depression. Don't 'talk your feelings out' with the girlfriend. dear god. talk them out with the shrink. You haven't enough of a relationship yet to have feelings.
You've overthunk this thing all the way through, and now you're overthinking it down into the grave. i can hear you digging as you think it to death.
Imagine you're a monkey in a jungle. Exactly what would this monkey be doing right now? he would be bonking that chick is what he would be doing. He wouldn't be rationalising not having the cahones to close the deal: he'd be bonking away furiously.
I will give a guy 3 dates to shag me. If he can't get a leg over in 3 dates I move on.
You say you decided (unilaterally) to 'take things slow' due to you not liking your job and not having friends. Can I take that to mean you didn't know if you'd still be in town in a month? If so, you certainly can tell her that. But that doesn't qualify as 'talking about your feelings'. "I like you but I'm scared that I may have to leave here and I don't want to let you down" is not talking about your feelings. It's practical assistance. it's fair play.
Don't get into feelingweelings until you're prepared to kiss her. If you have feelings for her, show don't tell. And if you're not willing to show, you have no right to tell. You don't get to play it both ways. This isn't a relationship in everybody's head. It's not on paper. It's real life.
If you really like her, you can't call all the shots. And you can't let your anxiety or ocd call the shots either. You have to make the leap and go for it. And she can find out if you want her or not by whether you try to get her or not. She's given up waiting on you to act. She's done something to get herself stable so that she can stop obsessing about you.
Don't think you are any different from her. When it comes to love, we all have OCD.
There were like 3 weeks in between the 2nd date and 3rd date, we were both super busy (that's when I got the job), and that's when I started to feel the stress and anxiety. I probably should've kissed her the night of the 3rd date and I keep beating myself up for not doing it. Earlier in the night we talked about how my friends might be visiting in two weeks and how we should go out together with her friends. It was a loose plan but after I failed to kiss her, I honestly thought it was all over. At that point I had moved on.
A week and a half later she texted me asking if we were still on for the weekend. I told her my friends couldn't make it. She said "oh well just come anyway." At that point I didn't know if she wanted to be friends or what. I went and felt out the situation. It was weird at first. But towards the end of the night I was all over her and she was into it. I made my move to go in for the kiss and just as I do it her friend cuts me off and says "we gotta go. uber is here." Tried to make a move once we got back to the apartment and she wasn't interested. This probably tells you everything you need to know, but this is what's made everything so weird and difficult for me. She had sent me some texts here and there, showing some type of interest after that and we went on another date, but it was really weird. A lot of it due to stress from work. I about fell asleep on the spot halfway through a really passionate convo with her. After that was when I talked to my former and current therapists and they told me to talk feelings.
I wanted to call some of the shots there at the end, because it felt like she was calling all the shots before. I was new to town, so she wanted to show me around. I never knew what to expect, exactly where we were going, or why. Sometimes I'd suggest "hiking this place" that I read up online, but she'd respond "no lets go here instead." It was pretty much always like that, but what could I do? It's not like I could act like I knew any of these places better than her. The dynamic was weird and I felt like a puppy dog, following her around, but with all that there was still interest so I tried to make it work.
It feels better to know that she was probably in a similar situation ocd wise. And I could definitely sense some confusion between us. There was just a lot of mixed signals from her and it made things tough for me. I feel a huge loss of pride and confidence with how I've dealt with this. And like I said earlier, I think I am over her, its just the idea of her that's getting to me now.