The people I know who are "okay with being solo" still have bad days/weeks/months/years, as do the people who are working through the downsides of whatever living dynamics of the path that is their's to live, even if they are living their personal dream. Methinks the moral of the observation is that perfection is a human construct far more than a natural birthright. At least, that's my theory and I'm sticking to it until something better comes along.

For what it's worth:
Strictly personal
Somebody looking and/or acting like a perpetrator of past trauma is a common psych trigger in my own trauma processing. How erratically I trigger is a trusted measure of how thoroughly I have processed the traumas which they represent.

Arfie you are the dude or dudette! Wasn’t sure of your gender but your words are so comforting and spot on. The past relationship definitely triggered this new reality of being traumatized. What I have to grapple with now is why did I allow myself to be traumatized. I knew before I got married that it wasn’t a good idea but I did it anyway. When I was in it I felt so alone and so devalued but I stayed in it at least for eight months. But through it all I had the courage to end it before the first year anniversary and with Gods grace and mercy I will be fully divorced next month! I’ve always been able to overcome obstacles and land on my feet. This anxiety however has taken root somehow and it’s taking a huge minute to overcome. This is the hardest thing I’ve ever encountered in my 50 years and I’m wondering why can’t i beat this. Ugh. I will beat this - let me say that. It’s just taking me a couple more minutes to do so huh? Lol. Ugh

I was able to commit motherhood, Kennedi, but have the appearances and fashion sense which enable me to use the men's room when the ladies room line is too long for my under-sized bladder. I thoroughly enjoy being able to shift gender roles with casual ease. To *ette or not to *ette is entirely up to the speaker. It's all the same to me. I like my all-natural androgyny, even with the limitations on committing fatherhood. I would if I could. I think. Maybe. Proof unavailable.

When shared about my strictly personals, I was AssUming that the divorce was long behind you. Now I am wondering if the fact that the divorce is still pending makes moves the *trigger* from flashback country to a signal that you have yet to achieve closure on the still bubbling trauma. Just wondering in a not-mine-to-sort sort of way. . .

Hope you can be gentle with yourself while you are beating up on this still open wound. Hope healing happens here. The healing mysteries have yet to respect the dockets my control panel issues on that score. I have come to agree with the Algonquin proverb that time has no meaning in the healing process, especially for the psychic wounds.

What happens...is until we learn what it is that attracts our attention to those "noticeable upon viewing and speaking flaws"...we choose that first.

You're on the right track writing it out.

Best wishes.

Hello- Sorry to hear about your struggles.
Please stay strong. I pray that things will be well with you.
Keep us posted. God bless.

One of the craziest things about anxiety is its ability to feed on itself. You don't know why you feel anxious and that causes more anxiety. You get upset at something but can't figure out what that something is and that causes more anxiety. It's like a avalanche getting bigger and more destructive as it rolls along. Maybe this can help a little in knowing looking for 'triggers' and...well...trigger them.

I just finished writing in my journal something very similar in nature to your line: "So bingo that’s my trigger- thoughts of being alone and not having a mate. Ugh. So many people are ok with being solo. And sometimes it doesn’t bother me but yeah I guess I’m freaked out."

I, too, have been feeling pretty decent the last few weeks and then today my mood crashed and I sunk into fear and anxiety. Doesn't help that I really don't like the summer heat. It all seems so simple what I want -- to have a mate and not be alone. Yet I don't have it. Opportunities seem to abound all around me, but the worrier/stresser/internal chitchatter inside me gets activated and screws things up for me. And then I feel ungrounded and fragile and insecure.

Lol. Arfie u missed your calling. You are a comedian! I love it!! You know I was thinking today- I’m not even divorced yet and I’m looking for another mate or at least a companion to talk to on the phone and go to places that I don’t want to frequent by myself. That’s like crazy and weird right. Lol I’m trying to take the time to just be cool with being solo. And it’s been great the last couple of months. I don’t get anxious anymore when I don’t have any set plans for the weekend. I’ve been able to wing it and actually enjoy taking a bike ride through my neighborhood or even playing in my closet picking out cute outfits etc. so do I create my own anxiety. Do I hear a resounding YES! lol. Yeah I hear it. So today is a good day. Im back to being gentle with myself. One day at a time. One hour at a time. One minute at a time.

And R I need a journal too. I’m sure it would help me out to put feelings down. And don’t even talk about insecurity. Sometimes that’s my middle name. I’m so thankful though that I’ve grown just a tiny bit because I’m able to discern what I like and don’t like in a potential mate and I’m able to say see you later - I don’t like this or that in your personality so I’m going to make a left turn and I’ll see you later. lol

I use the Journal function on this site. Try it out! I have had issues with being too selective and thereby missing out chances to really connect and take time to see things through with another person.

Oh wow. Ok didn’t know there was a journal function in the site. Thanks! Yeah I’m hoping I don’t develop that syndrome where at the first sign of something I don’t like in a potential mate - I’m ghost. lol