Anxiety Support Group
Anxiety is a physical condition marked by intense and persistent feelings of distress, fear, angst or dread. General anxiety caused by routine day-to-day stresses usually passes quickly and is experienced by almost everyone at one time or another. However, such feelings that linger over time and are very difficult to cope with, and which lack a clear cause, may indicate...
I was quite the advice-giver when I started therapy in 1972. I even had quite allot of teachers, et al, encouraging me to go pro. My advice-giver talents were seen as "Deflection" inside of my therapy network, both pro and peer, and treated harshly. That principle doesn't seem to have translated into on-line peer support and I am forever tempted to relapse into my old advice-giving habits. Fortunately, the pro potentials for advice column syndication seems to have disappeared since the internet made it possible for EVERYBODY to give advice freely with a minimum of criticism. Free advice is cheaper than ever.
This morning's read from "Meditations For People Who Worry" was a good review for me. Just sharing. . .
Begin quote
Minding Our Own Business
The idea of strictly minding our own business is moldy rubbish. Who could be so selfish? ~Myrtle Barker
Agreed! Where would we be if we all just minded our business? What would we do with our time? We can hardly imagine that we actually have enough business to keep us occupied anyway. Besides, there are plenty of people out there who need our expert advice, our wisdom and our experience. Keeping all this valuable stuff to ourselves would be selfish, indeed!
If we did start minding our own business we might find that our lives are not defined by others. They are defined by what we do with them. We might even find that this is true for others, too.
If we started minding our own business, we might discover that it is interesting and we might even grow and expand.
If we started minding our own business, we might discover that no one else can handle it better than we can, and this might be true for others, too.
Yet, none of us wants to be selfish. Do we?
Dunno. . . The subject of advice-giving/seeking remains highly confusing for me. Thoughts? Opines? Copy/paste wisdom?
Open discussion.
Today I leave the mood icon on "Okay" rather than the rapid cycling median. I feel pretty stable this morning, though the day has yet to really start.
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I haven't written in my diary on my computer since May because I thought that my computer was dying. I got away from writing but my computer is hanging in there. I think that I will start writing in it again. It's so therapeutic.
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Years ago, I won a mirrored armoire from my job. It's in my bedroom but I rarely stand in front of it. Yesterday, I had to have a dexascan done so I had to change into a gown. There was a full length mirror in the changing room. I'm aware that I gained 5 to 7 pounds over the last year from cheating on Keto but I didn't know what it looked like. It was a reality check.
With that said, when I am the recipient of advice, whether unsolicited or solicited, it’s up to me if I want to accept it or not. I think most people mean well when giving advice so I just ignore advice that doesn’t resonate with me or that I don’t value rather than getting defensive or annoyed by it.
I rarely ask for advice related to my personal life. I think that is because I kind of know instinctively what I need to do but have to process it all and look at all the angles first. Plus I gain more perspective on my own stuff by observing others and how they manage whatever is going on in their lives. That informs me far more than anyone’s advice.
Anyway, not sure my point, haha!
Good topic. Gives me something to chew on.
I have come to understand what my early therapy supporters meant when they claimed my advice-giving compulsion is "Deflection." As long as I am giving advice, I don't have to look at my own problems. These days I find conscientious use of deflection to be an effective way to dodge aggressive advice-givers. Keeping the focus on them keeps them away from my sore spots. If ya can't beat 'em, change the subject.
Functional advice which fits the case at hand is much harder to come by. I most often receive that from people who are only sharing strictly personal experience without attempting to tell me what to do.
Sore spots... I get that. I have an “Achilles heel” with some of my stuff and I just won’t even indulge in conversation about those things because they aren’t open to others’ anecdotal musings.
The healing value of talking about my sore spots is too great for me to avoid the subject, entirely, but the value of talking about them with people who are disregarding the facts of my life is minimal, at best. The right answer to the wrong question has yet to get me anywhere. Glad it works for you, Ma'am/Sir. Insert conscious deflection maneuvers here.
I work diligently to not 'over-step' and still provide positive information to give them a way to look at their experience, if they choose to.
Given the depth and breadth of my own psychotic birthright, I earnestly believe I am not qualified to be an oracle of truth, or even a guide. I believe that discussing other people's problems is a strictly personal opportunity to review my own psychotherapy and healing progress. Take what works for you and leave the rest.
I leave the experting to the accredited experts. I trust, but I verify. References will be checked. I like to keep an open mind, but not so open that my brain falls out --again.
Truthfully I am also using this as a distraction as well to prevent me from descending into a depressive pit that I can't get out of because my situation isn't the best but knowing that I can help someone (possibly selfishly) makes me feel a little better.
I'm currently also posting my difficulties while I find that though I have an idea of what I am going to do, I find it valuable to hear what others have to say to ensure that I have seen the situation from all angles whilst also finding a level of support that I am currently not getting enough of from peers and nothing at all from 'family' members.
I think my posting habits may be linked to me not feeling truly myself just yet or strong enough in my own skin to stand fully on my two feet due to mentally being battered around on a daily basis due to triggers from my living situation.
I agree with rmb as well that at the end of the day those who respond to posts do not mean anything negative by what they post, so even if it's not fully what you want to hear it is merely an alternative perspective from someone who also has their own struggles and difficulties and I'm grateful that they felt comfortable to respond :)
I don’t think anyone is technically qualified on DS to give medical or psychological advice. But anecdotal advice ... who is to say - it’s subjective. To me overstepping is often in the eye of the person on the receiving end because overstepping seems subjective too. If someone says “you should try therapy” for instance, I don’t take that as a directive, a mandate, overstepping or really anything. It’s just an idea offered by someone, although I can see it being interpreted as being told what to do.
Not everyone is practiced in giving “support” and for some people their way is to just say, do this or try this. I'm not sure what the line is sometimes for someone until after I cross it unfortunately.
Certainty unavailable, but I believe "Alternate Perspective" might be a different name for what I have been calling, "Review." In the many places my linguistics studies and communications career have come together, I grow ever more convinced that it is harder to translate within a single language than between two languages. Humans seem to spend an awful lot of time arguing over what to call, ^it^, whichever ^it^ is under discussion.
I walked into my first therapy support group in 1972, at the ripe age of 18. At that date, I was still clueless on the diffs between "Support" and "Advice Giving." The more I learn on the subject, the more I see still to be learned. It's a BIG subject of many tendrils and perspectives. Half a century into the studies, I still feel pretty clueless. The lines are fuzzy and unstable, at best.
One thing I will say, is that in my years of various groups, I have come to respect and appreciate the value of the "I" statement. I have become quite loathe to give advice to anyone outside of my family and closest friends. And even then, it's more of "this is what I think you should do". Beyond that, I relate personal experiences and try and make sure that I make it clear that what I'm saying is just what I think, feel free to ignore it.
Along the lines of what arfie said earlier, there is a genuineness and sincerity in sharing personal experiences that I find lacking when it becomes "here's what I think you should do". And, hell, I'm only like 60% sure what _I_ should be doing most of them time... why would I tell you what you should do?
When I am listening to personal experience, I feel free and valid asking for details on how the speaker made a solution work for them and/or how to develop the idea further.
When I am listening to a chronic advice-giver, I feel like I am listening to a parrot regurgitating theories. Asking for details is typically met with vacant stares and/or ad lib BS.
One of my VA support group facilitators gently enforced the KIP principle in his support groups. Keep It Personal. Mind your pronouns. First person singular, only. That grew into my own philosophy of, "If I can't take ^it^ personal, I don't take ^it^ at all. I just let ^it^ fall to the ground and leave ^it^ there.