Anxiety Support Group
Anxiety is a physical condition marked by intense and persistent feelings of distress, fear, angst or dread. General anxiety caused by routine day-to-day stresses usually passes quickly and is experienced by almost everyone at one time or another. However, such feelings that linger over time and are very difficult to cope with, and which lack a clear cause, may indicate...
My wife is very frustrated with what she perceives is my anxiety being projected onto her. Maybe in some situations she's right. Maybe in most. If I perceive something as danger, that's it. My mind/body is ready to deal with it and we have to act on it in the way that I feel is the safest. I do not feel flexible in being able to listen to what she thinks, that she doesn't think it's a big deal, etc. In my mind, we MUST treat it as a big deal because God forbid something tragic happens if I use this moment as an opportunity to be flexible in the relationship, to work on our communication issues or my listening skills. Too much is at stake to be "wrong."
This can spill over into other areas of our marriage that aren't life/death, that I fight to be heard or seen or understood. The talk about my "mental illness" has me convinced that my concerns are being overlooked and if somoeone else suggested the exact same thing, they would be taken seriously. I can't tell what about that is a story I am telling myself and what is true. Maybe a little of both?
I do know that my wife is completely overwhelmed by my anxiety. And part of me feels like the things I suggest are completely rational and make total sense, but she sees it as too much. Maybe it's because I have always been this way. I grew up in a violent household where my voice wasn't heard.
We are in couples therapy so we are working on this. But I shut down last night in therapy when it became about being open to the idea of having different opinions about things, perceived threats, etc and how we can work through it. My mind took it as me being told I am skewed in my thinking/feeling and I need to let go of what I think will literally save our lives in moments. It's so hard to navigate through. And today my wife has been wanting some space from me. Difficult to give that because I just want everything to "be okay" but I'm challenging myself to respect what she needs.
Any thoughts/opinions/personal experiences that might relate to this would be greatly appreciated. Thanks in advance.
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I haven't written in my diary on my computer since May because I thought that my computer was dying. I got away from writing but my computer is hanging in there. I think that I will start writing in it again. It's so therapeutic.
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Years ago, I won a mirrored armoire from my job. It's in my bedroom but I rarely stand in front of it. Yesterday, I had to have a dexascan done so I had to change into a gown. There was a full length mirror in the changing room. I'm aware that I gained 5 to 7 pounds over the last year from cheating on Keto but I didn't know what it looked like. It was a reality check.
To me you should like your dealing with life long trust and control issues. Which are very difficult to work thru. But it's possibble to learn to not to project your thoughts, emotions and behaviors onto others.
When (our) your wife states she needs space give it to her.
Then you learn to wait until she's ready to regroup with you. Doing this myself with wifey #2.
Not easy to do at all, but you can curb your control, trust issues as I am learning also to do.
Are you learning impulse control techniques? Or deep breathing? Or mindfullness techniques? All have aided me.
Also, I'd suggest if possible to get your own separate counselor.
Lastly, learn self care and to take some time every week for yourself. Not easy I know due to covid19...
Hoping any of my feedback can help.
DaleB
I am in the process of getting an appointment with a new individual therapist. You're right that it will be really helpful here.
I've never learned any impulse control techniques. Sounds like something I would really benefit from. As well as mindfulness. Any books or websites you recommend?
Three things to do. You've taken the important first step in writing it out. Keep a private daily journal to write out your thoughts and feelings. Express those differences in writing.
Practice even breathing to help you find calm in the moment. Stop. Pause. Breathe. You are responsible for what you say, do, react, and respond. You are NOT responsible for what others say, do, react, and respond. By practicing positive changes in your response to improve your well-being, it will bring change (not always for the better) in others response.
Anxiety is natural. Your feelings are valid, and they are just feelings. Using your anxiety to help you find a better balance will help you make better choices calmly.
Best wishes as you move towards a better balance.
For better AND for worse, we are *simply* that connected. Working to shield one another from the less desirable emotions only adds deception to the mix.
But that is me. . .
Continued support while you figure what it is for you, MP. Partnerships are even more diverse and unique than individuals.
I have a couple suggestions. You need to address ROOT causes of your 'mental illness' and not just treat the symptoms:
Regarding your childhood. You no doubt suffer from Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN). Google Dr. Jonice Webb and read her blogs and writings. She has 2 books out: Running on Empty and Running on Empty No More. She has an online quiz regarding CEN. That will tell you a lot.
The other thing is your level of anxiety and that has to be addressed as well. Find Dennis Simsek, The Anxiety Guy. He deals with anxiety and panic from all causes in all forms. He has many youtube videos and podcasts. Many times I wonder how he has gotten into my head. He is very active on all social media.
Doing these two things may help you in therapy since you may uncover things you didn't realize yourself. Dr. Webb also suggest finding a therapist who is trained in CEN.
Good luck!
Persevere brother.
He is from a chronically perfect family who *simply* trains the proverbial elephants to hold the holiday decorations while they gift wrap elephant turds. When our life together is less than Hallmark perfect, my mental illness is an easy target to blame. The most untrainable *elephant* in their family closet is Huntington's Disease. We were married 10 years before this particular elephant gained a name. Longer before he did anything to make his peace with those hot, stinky elephant turds. He has come a long way on that score since that the HD elephant escaped the family closet.
We both believe that between us there is balance neither of us can achieve alone. It has been a rough ride, but the healing has been tremendous for the mutual commitment, both to self and our family.
So we believe. Proof unavailable. Here in our divorce culture, we both have people in our lives who keep us well supplied in business cards for divorce lawyers. During those phases where our disparities are too intense for us to sleep under the same roof, we have both given thought to visiting those lawyers, buttttttaaaaa.... The fact that neither of us likes lawyers nor the lawsuit logics might be the real reason we are still together as our 40th anniversary approaches.
The motto of our union is,
Love is not about being perfect. It is about working ^it^ out.
Keep it personal, MP. The two of you are fully unique individuals who form an even more unique partnership. Customize, customize, customize.
We also believe it is okay if it take a lifetime to work the kinks out of a lifetime relationship. Gives us something to do tomorrow, as well as today.
Good loving takes time to learn. Practice, practice, practice.
Hubs and I think we might need another 40 years of practice.