Anxiety Support Group
Anxiety is a physical condition marked by intense and persistent feelings of distress, fear, angst or dread. General anxiety caused by routine day-to-day stresses usually passes quickly and is experienced by almost everyone at one time or another. However, such feelings that linger over time and are very difficult to cope with, and which lack a clear cause, may indicate...
Here's a really long, depressing, incomprehensive rant. I really wanted to get a load of things off my chest. Sorry!
Last week was a good week. I got a lot of things done. I was productive. Eneergetic. Hopeful. I could do anything.
I'm sitting here typing this now at 6:00 PM. I didn't have much homework but I'm still on edge. 4 hours until bed. How will I spend them? I'm going to waste my time again. There's nothing to do for the rest of the day. I could draw, but I never know what to draw and it take so long, too long. I could bake, but I'd get my hands messy, or judged for doing something girly. I should be playing piano, but shit, I dont want to. I have to. I need to do it to get into college. It's required. I'll get yelled at by my mom again, I'll disappoint my teacher, my parents, my friends, I'll be wasting my "rich" lifestyle, my money, everyone will judge me...
I went through school today and everyone asked if I was ok. I didn't feel like putting in the effort to be talkative this time, so I guess it was more obvious. People usually notice but they don't comment. I told them I was fine. I drilled myself in the class after that. I know I should tell someone. Get this weight off my chest. I promised myself. I felt so sure.
In my 5th period, someone asked me if I needed someone to talk to. I laughed, jokingly shoved them, and told them I was fine. My body is almost on autopilot. The times when I am silent are the times when I rebel.
I was too silent today. People noticed, and I still can't get the ball of fear out of my stomach or the prickling feeling off my back. I wish they would notice a lot of the time. They do, but they never talk. I know realistically it's because I don't exactly put out that "approachable" aura, but inside I wonder why I'm like this. They know I'm not ok, my friends. They know I'm not fine. I tell them I'm okay and I know they don't believe it. Maybe they're waiting for me to tell them. I can't see myself doing it in the forseeable future.
They are there for me, they say. They're here. They promised. Did they lie, or am I delusional?
I'm going through the motions again tommorrow and the day after. I promised, and I lied. I was on top of the world last week, and I promised that I would at least try. Now, I can't find a reason why I shouldn't just... stop. I know that I won't though. I can't do anything, even give up.
-
My day...today...misplaced my debit card...didn't realize it until I got to the register after shopping to a full cart. Used a different debit card and pulled apart everything looking for missing debit card before I left parking lot. Got home, dropped keys. So now I have a missing debit card, missing keys. A full cartload to unload and put away. I got everything put away.Dumped purse for a...
-
I don't really know how to label this but I having a rough week and I can't say it's one thing.... I have a lot on my plate which is nothing new and I try to cope in many positive ways and do but I still have my moments.My kids more so my daughters talk to me about everything which I know it's cause of comfort and we are close.... however I really struggle with the venting about their dad which...
Every time your thoughts get ahead of you, push them back, and practice being in the moment!
For the next five I hoped to god nobody did.
What was the difference?
When we're depressed, we feel alone. It's a really weird, but incredibly strong need to be understood and known. If there's something about you you can't confide in your mother with, or your best friend, or whoever you confide in - it's awful. Feeling life's a sham.... it's all a bit great gatsby... rebel without a cause... there are so many movies.
But in those years I didn't want anyone to notice? Those were the severe breakdown years. I couldn't afford to have anyone know the state I was in. They'd take my daughter away and lock me in an institution. I'd never get a decent job ever again, never get anywhere, be disrespected and margianlised for life.
So it was absolutely imperative that nobody notice how bad I was. :D
And this change in my point of view changed everything for me. It was this huge growth experience. Physical survival trumps everything. You can actually hit a point with depression where you go all 'aint nobody got time for dat' and that's it. no time. Nope. Can't afford it. I'll be hysterical in the evenings from 8:30 till 10:00 and then I'll go to sleep. because that's the only time I have to be suicidal. All the other time is taken up surviving and faking it and keeping my child as well as I can, feeding her, earning the money, buying the clothes.
I can't take anyone else through those experiences to see how they changed me. But understand this: you're going through something that probably means you need to tell someone something.
If you have one friend, one confidant who, when he/she asks how you are, you think might hang around for the answer? Tell that person.
Tell your mother or father. They love you. We parents can be a bit domineering and a bit ranty but if you can manage to get through to us? We stop. We stop what we're doing. We take things seriously.
We're anxious, battling, distracted and bossy. We're stupid, and thoughtless, and boring, and daft.
But we'd die for you without a second thought.
We parents love you and need you and can't live without you. And that's not something we ever say.
So yeah. find someone. this isn't going well for you. There's things that can be done for you. Don't wait till you're 45 before you come out of this.