ok so I just need to get something off my chest that I’ve literally had on my mind for years and told basically no one about. I’ve tried to explain some of it to my mom but I don’t think she quite understands how I feel about all this.
Back in 7th grade (literally the worst year of middle school), I had these two people I’d been friends with since elementary school. Since this is an anonymous site, I’ll call them J and L. J was honestly not too good of a friend. She was basically a bully that pretended to like me when around other people, but she would always make backhanded comments and say mean things to me. And strangely enough, I was the only one she didn’t like. I mean, overall she would sometimes accidentally be sh*tty to other friends, but I was the only one she was mean to on purpose. As far as I know, i didn’t do anything wrong. I have no idea why she hated me. Then there was L. J and L had been, and still are, best friends since kindergarten. As my sister says, “they’re practically joined at the hip”. L is actually really nice, and loves and appreciates all her friends, but she unfortunately had depression when I was friends with her. She would has bad mood swings, and sometimes even said she wanted to kill herself. Being 13 at the time, I had no idea what to do, which is why I told her she should try to talk to an adult. But her mom was super ignorant and didn’t really believe depression even existed. On top of that, J was constantly making L feel bad for her depression and telling her she should just bury her feelings.
Eventually, my parents said I couldn’t be friends with them anymore, so one day I just deleted their contacts off my phone and stopped talking to them. At first, my mood skyrocketed. Without J constantly bullying me and me having to worry about how L was doing, I had time to focus on being happy and in the moment. But soon, grief and regret hit as I began to feel bad for L. She had just lost another friend a few months before me, and took the blow hard. On top of that, I left her at her worst time when she needed friends the most. I really hope L is doing ok, and that she has been able to see a therapist about her depression. Every part of me wants to call or text her (I could find her on Instagram if I wanted) and apologize for everything. I ditched her when she was most vulnerable, and when we were friends I let J bully me into submission instead of finding help for L. But L probably hates me now, and she’s still friends with J (who DEFINITELY hates me) so I can’t be friends with just one and not the other. I know it’s best to just let sleeping dogs lie and move on with my life, but I still feel so guilty for what happened 3 years ago. Sorry you guys had to see me rant, and good job if you made it all the way down here. Ok I’ll stop taking now this post is already long enough.
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