Anxiety Support Group
Anxiety is a physical condition marked by intense and persistent feelings of distress, fear, angst or dread. General anxiety caused by routine day-to-day stresses usually passes quickly and is experienced by almost everyone at one time or another. However, such feelings that linger over time and are very difficult to cope with, and which lack a clear cause, may indicate...
Hi everyone.
I haven't been on this site for a long time, but I'm really suffering right now. I feel like my depression and anxiety have taken over me to the point where I can no longer function. When I'm not working I sleep all day. When I am working as I have been from home recently, I feel like every little thing takes all of my energy. When the work day is over I just lay here like a corpse. I have a dog that I can't take care of anymore because I can't walk him and give him the exercise and love that he deserves. I wasn't always this way. I'm 29. I have a masters degree. I used to be an overachiever who had a 4.0 GPA and wanted to succeed in everything. I went to film school, I studied art. I used to play the guitar and worked doing photography which I loved. I was creative. There are many factors that have made me this way, although I have had severe anxiety from an early age. A lot of it had to do with my appearance (and still does), but I remember staying home and hiding because of my acne and just feeling like I was repulsive. If someone saw me without makeup I would have a full on panic attack. I would be late all the time to anything because I had to try to look and feel perfect. My anxiety and depression came from maybe wanting control when I didn't have any. I had an on and off eating disorder throughout my life, I had fallouts with many many people. I was raped when I was 15. I have been physically and emotionally abused by my twin brother my whole life, and my mom emotionally abused me and always made me feel like I was ugly, crazy, selfish or not good enough. I also have had two suicides in my family - my grandpa and my uncle. I lose sight of all of my trauma sometimes, but what brings me the most pain is what I have done to myself. I blame myself for all of my relationships failing and all of my friendships failing. I truly feel so alone and insignificant. I feel like now I have little to no friends, and have often thought that if I died tomorrow it wouldn't make a difference. I feel like I've hit rock bottom and that I don't have anyone. I can't talk to my family either because they constantly bring me pain. I feel completely unlovable. I don't think I'll find love again. I am so crippled by this pain of being all alone that I just don't have energy to better myself. I think, why work out, why take care of myself, why even shower if I'm all alone? Who am I even doing this for? So I have let myself go. I literally just sleep, let my dog out to pee, eat and work. This is by the way one of the longest standing jobs I have had, there have been so many that I have abruptly left because of my mental state. Although I am able to work now, I am barely capable. There have been many times where I just left and ended up going into treatment. In regards to treatment - I have been once to inpatient and twice to outpatient. As you can see, it hasn't worked. I don't know what to do next. I don't think going into treatment again will help me. I've thought of suicide so many times. I live in my own filth, I don't take care of myself, I don't feel like I have anything. My own dog by the way bites me constantly. I feel like everywhere I turn there is pain. So I stay alive but barely, and just sleep and barely function. I don't feel like there is hope or reason to get better if I will be all alone with nothing anyway. I don't know what to do anymore.
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I haven't written in my diary on my computer since May because I thought that my computer was dying. I got away from writing but my computer is hanging in there. I think that I will start writing in it again. It's so therapeutic.
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Years ago, I won a mirrored armoire from my job. It's in my bedroom but I rarely stand in front of it. Yesterday, I had to have a dexascan done so I had to change into a gown. There was a full length mirror in the changing room. I'm aware that I gained 5 to 7 pounds over the last year from cheating on Keto but I didn't know what it looked like. It was a reality check.
From what you have told us about yourself you have a lot to be proud of. I wish I had done half of that. So what about the acne? It doesn’t make you a bad person. Did you know Cameron Diaz struggles with it too but she still knows she’s great.
It seems as though you are depressed which is not your fault but you should probably see a doctor for help. I did and it dragged me out of the pit.
Please take care of yourself, you deserve it. And take care of your dog, you’ll never have a better friend. Their health and mental health depends on us and my dog has given me a reason to go on when I otherwise couldn’t. You both need those walks.
I confess I wasn't able to read your entire post because my over-used eyes tend to turn long paragraphs into big, black smudges on the monitor. Still, I wanted to welcome you to the forum and encourage you to keep sorting through the issues which keep you trapped in your current half-life.
Welcome to the forum. Sort freely. Sort often.
You have had a lot of tough times in your life. Did you go to counseling at anytime? We have to deal with our past to move forward in our present.
First you need to get the chemicals in your brain more balanced and that takes the right kind of medication. Have you talked to a doctor about this? It took me over a year to find the right one that worked for me. And over the years we have had to play with the dosage.
Then when you are feeling better you can start working with someone about the past.
Low self-esteem comes with depression. Sounds like you are a go-getter. I am too. So going through depression is very hard when you have some many things you like to do and are good at.
Please go seek help. God has made each of us uniquely and wonderfully made. You are special and important. Saying encouraging things to yourself really helps. You are talented and have a lot of wonderful skills.
Also, try to not be so hard on yourself. I was also a perfectionist, and it has taken me years to learn there is no so such thing as perfect. I do the best I can and tell myself that is great. That is all God expects me to do.
I will be praying for you. If you would like to chat please feel free to pm me. I have been in a similar situation as you where I felt like I didn't want to go on with the pain of depression. But you can and you will feel better with the right help and support. This site you have support and people who care. Remind yourself depression is an illness you go through from time to time, but it is not who you are.
Hugs and God Bless.
Like Arfie, I had a really difficult time reading your sentence.
If you separate the sentences, and write out your feelings about each sentence, you'll be able to sort out the thoughts and feelings. Do this in a private journal.
You will notice that people are seeing what you have accomplished, that you have a wonderful and loyal companion who can help you and help them by taking a walk daily. It's the best gift you give your balance, by doing something simple together with your animal companion.
Anxiety is natural. It is a part of you. You are stronger than it, and embracing the help it provides will help you find your balance and calm.
You are a beautiful, valuable, and cherished person. This group has a lot of people who support and encourage people to find their strengths and get back into living for their well-being.
Best wishes.