My dad blamed my mother for everything and insisted until he died my mother turned me against him. That was not true at all. As kids we knew he was a jerk. I was like in my mid 40s when he died so from my teens until then he just spewed blame. I figured out in my early 20s there was no use trying to reason with him, no point saying my
Mom had nothing to do with his and my relationship. Again, just because he said it didn’t make it true, despite his insistence it was.

Of course your husband believes everything he says about you is true. I mean, I think it’s human nature to believe our perceptions. You have no control over what he believes, what he may tell your adult children, etc. But believe me, your kids aren’t stupid. Hell, they may even wonder why you stayed with him so long. You have to give your kids way more credit. Maybe that is something you can think about, that these are adults. Young yes, but I assume fairly mature and reasonable.

Think about it… if your husband is a name caller to everyone in your family, how are you protecting your adult children by staying with this turd of a human being?

You a not taking care of yourself by staying which actually is more harmful to your adult children. Kids do not want their mothers to suffer unhappiness. They just don’t.

And I get up this morning, with him already up, and he is the one who is pissed at me for the evening blame and name calling. That he stomps around and speaks all sternly.
It is insane.
And yes, he and I went out and about running errands and having an enjoyable weekend. But it is like even if he is being kind (or normal I should call it) he doesn't mean it. The other shoe always drops. So it's like a pretend outing.
We were together all weekend, not one arguement. Then he says the magic words "we have some serious stuff to discuss" and I know where that is going.

Marian,

Assuming he will never change, what is it that YOU want in life?

You are only in your 50's, and you have so much life ahead of you to live.

Do you really want things to be better for your life? Then you must take actions toward getting that.

What I wanted I guess I cannot have.
I want peace first so I can not be on edge every single day of my life.

You know an interesting fact here, both my kids love being home. They love bringing their boyfriend/girlfriend to stay. They love bringing friends over. We were always the house that my kids wanted to hang at with friends.
So this is why It hurts so much for me for them. They’ve done nothing to deserve this.
As I sit here in tears!!

You can have peace. But not like this. It just may not be in the way you picture it.

I think you are mourning a lot of loss right now, loss of your mom, loss of kids being home, maybe loss of identity and loss of what you envisioned in the future for you and your family. It’s a lot to come to terms with. But you will. I think it’s hard to imagine what life can look like and that it can be good. It will be different maybe but what if it’s better, eventually?

You are a work in progress. We all are. Your husband is not a nice person. He isn’t going to change. I’m sorry for that.

I need help today. I just want to sit here and cry. He now did some work and is taking a nap, that’s done usually when he’s depressed and fed up with everyone in his life.
He has no idea what people go through on life.
The majority of all this is what I wrote about previously about our son and transferring out of a D1 sports program—BECAUSE HE WAS BEING TREATED LIKE GARBAGE. My husband said he will NEVER except the fact that my son will not pursue this sport. (He is in a D3 program now). And that I (me) am so much to blame for the whole thing.

Your choice. Your decision. Your actions.

Putting your well-being first is a real challenge. Not as a wife, a mother, a daughter, and all of those are a part of who you are, in this moment.

As a person reading this, I can identify with the feelings. However, feelings do not make decisions. Emotions do not make decisions. It is your brain, calm, clearheaded, and with concise facts that makes decisions.

One of the things that you keep mentioning reveal that you feel responsible for your husband's actions, words, choices. You're not responsible. You are responsible for what you say, do, act, react, and respond.

I will say this. You will have to choose whether to stay, go, leave temporary, leave permanent, or walk away in the individual moment with a safe place already set up for your well-being.

Whatever is your line in the sand, your point of no return, is yours and yours alone. Not anyone else's, your children, your husband, - they do not live your life. They share it.

Best wishes as you find what works best for you.

Please talk to someone. A therapist, A social worker, someone who can help you figure out what is the best thing for you to do in this situation.

I actually have a therapist who I have been going to for years.
It seems like everytime I talk with her there is so much going on.
She knows the situation.
I do need to get more out of her on how to help myself .

Hi Marian,
I’m so sorry for what you go through. Have you tried counselling? Praying for you that things will get better in your marriage.
Stay safe, God bless.

OF course he does. he is a PSYCHOPATH.
This is what I would do. Wait until the next episode and then call the cops. Tell them he is scaring you. Leave the house and wait in the car. Don't give him any opportunity to turn it around and say you were the aggressor. Take video of his behavior to show the cops. I wish I had done all of this. When I finally got divorced, no one would listen to me about his abusiveness because I had never filed a police report and he got joint custody, and it turned out he was molesting my son!! Get as much proof as you can. Also look on his computer when he is not home, you may be shocked at what you find. My ex died of cancer and when I got his computer I found disgusting porn and also really disturbing pictures he had taken of himself in bed with my kids.

It was a game changer for me when I finally realized what was going on. That he had been lying to me all along, that the nice man was the fake one, the mean one was the one who was the real one, that he held back as much as he could in order to fool me. That when he was mean, he did it for his own entertainment, because he got off on his cruelty and the effect on me. He enjoyed jerking me around and the sense of power and control he had over me. making me walk on eggshells all the time because you never knew what would trigger him. neutral situations could do it. he will blame it all on you but it's NOT YOU. IT'S HIM. He controls his own responses and he does it intentionally to make you feel bad because he is sadistic. It is called gaslighting, this mind-**** where he convinces you that it's all your fault. It's just part of the game. If he loved you, he wouldn't do it. If he loves his son, he would not be so critical of his son. The fact is that people who act this way do not have empathy. and lacking empathy, they are cruel by default. you need to get away from him.

my guess is that he says things at other times to make you think that you need to stay with him. that you would be nothing without him. to inflate this idea of your family and how could you leave and if you do it's all your fault. This is part of the manipulative gaslighting these men do to us.

Please go to a battered women's shelter and find a therapist there who can help you see this more clearly. Also get the book Why Does He DO That. It will open your eyes big time. BUT DO NOT LET HIM SEE IT. My therapist told me to read it back in 2008-9 or so, but my ex saw it and threw a fit and so I hid it in my closet and forgot about it. I am not sure what good it would have done me then anyway, because I got sick and had two babies and became disabled and couldn't work. I couldn't get away from him. I finally got away in 2012. Then I read the book and it floored me.

Sophiasmom....Wow I am sorry what you went through. You actually made me cry. One thing I have an have been doing for I would say 20 years and keeping notes of episodes that go on. When my son was young and he didnt like the way he played his sport, he would berate him and make the rest of the families lives miserable. I have notes with dates and times. I have a shoe box full.
recording him would certainly be way better, and i will have my phone on me and record his voice the next time. Mine is a control freak, we are all wrong he is right. And yes, he calls his young adult children names. I have a daughter who graduated from a high end college with an excellent job ( actually 2 jobs because she is a work out fanatic and does it on the side) My son is an awesome athete (fell into a bad situation and knew enough to get himself out of it) The politics were unbearable and he was treated poorly. He is a 4.0 student who has a scholarship. SO, THESE are the horrible children he has.
It is the sports thing that is the current thing he is blaming on me and my son. That we (me) didnt do enough to get him into the next D1 school. My son has advisement for this kind of thing. Mommy shouldn't have been calling this man as he was doing his job, my son is grown enough to be working on it himself. My son is also happy right now by the way where he is.
Husband claims he will NEVER get over it.