And btw, I know this is not my fault, he can continue to throw the blame game at me. When the kids were younger and I was more desperate I would beg him to not be mad at me or the kids. Now I am just quiet.
If I am to blame for something, I take blame, I fight fare. in all the years, I have never called him a name.
As my therapist, who is the only one who knows everything will say, there is not a third party hearing this sports thing that would think you (Me) are to blame. It is ludicrous

Because of the way these men's minds work, cognitively, they cannot accept blame for anything. It's not that they are afraid to admit it, it's that they do not possess shame and do not perceive that they are anything but perfect. In their minds, other people are like insects, that don't rate the attention or care that empaths give others. If they register other people's reactions to their cruelty, it is like entertainment. Therefore they are rewarded by the reaction and continue the behavior. Once you understand their mind, they are actually fairly simplistic and easy to predict. Once I realized this about my ex, it was like I didn't even think of him as human. They are like demons in human form, or like reptiles.

One of the best ways to deal with them is to do what is called "grey rock". There is a good description of this on a website called 180rule.com. This name is based on their tendency to project onto others what they are, and to pretend to be the opposite of who they are in order to fool others. The hypocrisy is blinding, but they either don't see it or don't care. The truth is very relative to them. Truth is what they want, not what is real. And they do not place value judgments on anything. They have to pretend to care in order to blend in, but they don't FEEL when things are wrong. Therefore they have to mimic our behavior so we don't realize there is something wrong with them. This leaves them with very limited responses to situations. At the end all my ex could do was treat my son the way his abusive parents treated him, it was like their words came out of his mouth. He treated my daughter better I think because he was not female and had not observed how a daughter is treated in his own family, having only a brother. So he took his behavior prompts from better models for her.

Anyway, "grey rock" is the idea of being as boring as possible. Do not take the bait. pretend he doesn't bother you. it's easier if you think of him as a reptile. we do not blame the snake or resent it or struggle to forgive the snake for biting us. this is just what snakes do. therefore I feel no need to work through my feelings over my marriage in terms of forgiving my ex. he simply behaved according to his nature, and because I did not know he should have been in a cage, I got bit. I keep going off on tangents. so if you are boring, he will lose interest and stop being as awful because he isn't getting the reaction that stimulates his very boring emotional life. sociopaths/psychopaths have only anger and envy, this is why this is largely the only emotions you see coming out of them. and because they place no value judgment on this, they like to stir up their anger. also they are sex addicts because sex is one of the only ways they can feel anything.

the thing with your son, this is a very typical reaction of a narcissist, which all sociopaths are. narcissists perceive others as either the audience or a prop. they do not recognize others as having a right to their own life and decisions, all is for their own self aggrandizement. with their children, they see them as extensions of themselves. they typically control them and manipulate them, and will expect them to be perfect so they can show them off and brag about them. Your son did not perform to your husband's desires, which he feels reflects on him and therefore the disappointment is huge. There is also this concept of "splitting" where, especially with children, the child is either "good" or "bad" and this is more evident when there are more than one. With my ex, my son was bad and my daughter was good. With my mother, my brother was the one who noted that we were never both in her good graces at the same time. we called it "good child, bad child" and my mother would go back and forth between us but we were never both good at the same time. there is a really good website that describes narcissistic personalities that you might get insight from. http://www.halcyon.com/jmashmun/npd/howto.html

It is really important for your kids to understand this, ASAP. They need to be able to separate their sense of self from the need for approval from him, and they need to not allow him to blackmail them in any way. My brother killed himself almost 3 years ago now. He had developed severe tinnitus but he had struggled with suicidal thoughts since he was in his early 20s. I believe that the way my mother treated him when he was a child and a teen was something that damaged him severely and he was too ashamed to deal with it directly, until it destroyed him. He did not have the will to live, to fight the illness when it became too much to bear, he just gave up. Never underestimate the damage that a narcissistic parent can inflict. It can be fatal.

Thank you Sophiasmom for taking the time to post to me.
One thing I will say, my kids already know. They say things all the time like “I don’t care what he thinks”. They also make comments on his personality and understand his bizarre actions. So it’s not like they’re in the dark. And I have always instilled the positive reinforcement etc.
They are both not blind to his actions.

Hi, I come from a home with a dad who does this to my mom. I know you are worried about hurting your kids, but I also know that your kids are worried about you. I always worry about my mom and feel so helpless. If you feel like you can, talk to your kids about it and see how they feel. They may surprise you with their attentiveness to your situation (we sometimes see more than our parents realize). Their feelings can help you decide what to do next. But you do not deserve this abuse, and your children probably feel this way too. My mom always dismisses my dad's behavior and doesn't consider it abuse. One of the saddest things I've heard her say is "It's not a big deal, I'm used to it" while clearly crying and looking away from me. I cannot stress this enough: PLEASE speak to your kids if you feel like you can and see how they feel about it. They may feel a need for change as well. I love you and hope you can stay strong; I know you will make the right choice.

Wow, Ooms thank you. You know that is a perspective that i needed.
They obviously do not see it as much anymore as they aren't living in the home.(my son just when he is off from college).
I hope you are okay and realize how wrong it is to be treated the way your mom and myself are treated.
I do consider it abuse. I would say my husband of course doesn't. As a matter of fact it is horrible abuse.
I think though my kids hope , deep down, it isn't really that bad.
They obviously do not know this can go on three days in a row, or everyother day, whatever.
Since both kids are in another state at the moment, I will talk w my daughter first when I get to see her and have time alone.
And you are so kind to take the time to post to me. I need it and knowing how a "child" sees and feels helps me as well.

Ooms, what you say reminds me of what went on with my grandparents. My grandfather was verbally and emotionally abusive and everyone was afraid to stand up to him. once he was yelling at my grandmother and I was hyperthyroid and could not stop myself from confronting him. he freaked out on me. and my grandmother defended him! she said he wasn't abusive. The thing is, he had treated her that way all her life and she was either in denial or she was so used to it that she perceived it differently somehow. But in the end she developed dementia and it always seemed to me that she was in denial of the truth for so long that she finally just lost her mind. The long term consequences of living with this are not good.

I will say that I lived with such a man for 9 years. I never accepted it, I always told him he was wrong to act that way. I didn't want my kids to see me be pushed around. I had no idea how bad the consequences would be, I thought if I got away from him we would be OK. But I am badly traumatized and can't even stand in a line because I panic with people standing behind me. My daughter has severe anxiety and OCD. My son beats himself up verbally, is so perfectionistic that if he gets a 99% he thinks he has failed. He even admitted that he has to do it because his father is no longer here to do it to him.

These men are more psychologically dangerous than you have any idea. Get away as soon as you can.

Thank you Sophiasmom. I'm sorry you had to go through that, but I am grateful that you were able to share your experience with us. Marian, I hope you are able to make the choice that will make you happy and healthy. I wish you the best, and God bless both of you!