Breathing with you, Marian. . .

Deep cleansing breaths. . .

Just breath. . .

It really stinks.
It has been quiet here for a few days.
Then he says we have some important stuff to talk about
Two seconds into the conversation the name calling begins.

"Stinks" is an understatement. Still breathing with you.

Visualization is one of my stronger therapy tools. I think in pictures more than words, so it comes quite naturally to me. When my hubby and I were in this phase of our empty nest syndrome, I held my tongue by visualizing him in various prison guard uniforms. My fave was the Roman Centurion. He has the legs for it and the image kept me gently reminded that he has his redeeming qualities.

Mostly the visualization tool helped me keep my mouth shut until he ran out of steam. Arguing with a fool only proves there are two fools. The less I argued, the more he had to listen to his own foolish words instead of mine.

It’s so awful. So sad.
Calls me a liar, blames me for major things (which I wrote about before ).
Beyond what most would accept as normal.

I don’t want to do this again not one more time.
I can’t take it.
But my “young adult” kids will just not be able to take it.
They are both super sensitive. Both are prone to anxiety.
I cannot hurt them.

You may be underestimating your children, since they aren’t “children” any more.

But this is their home. This is where we were all supposed to be together. Just believe me that they are both sensitive and although know the deal how their father is probably wouldn’t believe it would go that far.

I'm struggling with the question of hurting my kids with a separation, too. They are also sensitive and desire a stable home space.

But going through anxiety and stress in a home is not a good setting for them to see as normal. A change could be good for you to give them an example of being strong, standing up for yourself, and not letting someone (even your husband) treat you that way. It is unacceptable - and they may benefit from learning that.

ok, that may be less advice about anxiety here, and more toward family dynamics and concerns, but I hope I did speak to your situation still, in a relatable way.

Marian,

Question for you. When he does this name calling, what do you do?

Examples - Do you sit there and take it, do you stand up for yourself and tell him to stop, do you get up and walk away, do you get up and get in your car and leave (say to him - "I'll talk to you when you can speak as an adult").

Name calling is really childish and bullying. Not how a husband should speak to his wife.

But do you just sit there and let him talk to you that way? Just wondering.

Because he'll never stop if you sit there and "take it".

This man is abusing you and you need to get away from him. He is probably a sociopath or narcissist if he thinks it is acceptable to do this to another person. You OWE it to your children to stand up for yourself and demand a better life for yourself. It hurts them and their self esteem to see him do this to you. I stayed in an abusive relationship for a long time because of "the dream". But you cannot have that dream with an abusive partner. Maybe some people get lucky but most of us don't. Life sucks. But yours can be better if you get away from that man.

you say your kids are sensitive and you don't want to hurt them. Look, HE is the one who is hurting them by doing this to their mother. What a S*#@head! They probably have anxiety because he has been treating them badly their whole lives too! If you have the courage to stand up to him, then maybe they will become stronger too!

He won’t stop at all. People like this rarely change. You either put up with it or get out. Your children don’t live in the home anymore, it’s time to stop coddling them and let them see reality. You aren’t doing them any favors by pretending all is ok when it is not. It gives them a sense of false security that is not based in reality. Life sucks sometimes, it’s how we rise above it and flourish instead of allowing ourselves to be beaten down that shows our kids how to live a better life. We parents are the example.

All true. Yes I don’t deserve it. And they don’t live here, my son partially as he is finishing college. They do know their father’s tendencies they’ve seen it and have received his rath at times.
He calls us all names when he and I fight saying he doesn’t need any of us etc.
just miserable

You mean your husband calls all of you names, including to your son?

This is what some of us have said about your children already know what's going on and they are now getting the brunt of his anger.

Marian, what do you want to do? Assuming your husband never changes, what is it that you want to do?

Well the children aren’t here now but yes we are all called names and put down. And these are his flesh and blood.
I just can’t believe this is happening to me.
And you know if there was any separation etc he would blame me to the children.
I am sick to my stomach right now.
And btw, he believes he is right. He believes everything he says about me is true.