My dad is an abuser, and that is no secret to anyone in my family. He is abusive physically, mentally, and emotionally. And yet, nobody says anything about it. I don't get along with him and don't even feel safe around him. He really scares me. He hasn't hit me in years, but I still have the memories. I try not to feel the same way with my mom, as she is a victim of his abuse more than I am. But, it is extremely difficult as I see his bad qualities in her. She too can be abusive, in all the same ways. She also never stops his abuse towards us, and even joins in sometimes. However, I can never truly be angry with her as she has a history of being a victim to horrible husbands. My dad is her third husband, another first husband is in and out of jail. I am very close with my mom, and love her to death, but it can be so frustrating sometimes. 

Lately, I have realized something. I watched a video recently that really spoke to me about different love styles, and found out that I have a "pleaser/victim" love style. This explained a lot about me: for one, I am always trying to "fix" people around me. Whether it be my sister or my parents, I am never doing things for me; it is always to make someone else happy or more comfortable. Second, I have always felt like I am having an out-of-body experience, as if my emotions aren't truly mine. When I start to cry, I stop myself because that is what I am told to do. I feel as if I can't feel emotions, or that I don't understand them. I am never truly alone with my thoughts, as they scare me and I keep them hidden away. Yet I always have this sense that something big is lurking inside me that wants to hurt me or crush me, and I am so terrified of that thing. Even now, as I am typing this out, I feel the urge to cry but fight it away. I've had thoughts of therapy, but that is always short down by my parents.

I don't know if I am just being dramatic, or if my feelings are valid. I just have a really hard time processing my emotions. My younger sister is allowed to cry, be angry, be cruel, and do what she wants, but it has always been expected of me to do better, to be better, in the sense that I have always had to be perfect. I have to have the best grades, I have to impress the friends of my parents, I have to do well in sports, I have to be better than everyone around me. I have no resentment towards my little sister, I love her with all my heart, but I still feel resentful towards someone, I'm just not sure who. I'm just tired, burnt out, and at a loss. I feel like I shouldn't be feeling this way, like I'm not allowed.

This is the most I've ever opened up in my life, so this is a lot for me to think about. I am so grateful for the people here on DS, and am grateful that I had the courage to come here, and that everyone is so accepting and loving, so thank you.