We worked out Wed at our house, she cooks, Th. at my son. Everyone seems happy. Continuing saga-

1. Amorousness They say antidepressants dim libido and my wife had let's say an average one (maybe normal desire or a lack of skill from me) . She wakes out at 2:00 AM in an incredibly amorous mood and we have a great time.

2. Phone Next day I hear her mumbling someone has stolen my identity. She gets angry and throws her phone against the wall and I'm angry because that phone has pictures she cherishes. She proceeds to throw various items including a chair. Seemingly no damage. Alzheimer has been looked at but studies show it involves loss of memory and that is as good as ever.

3. Friend's event Her friend in her old house has book club which my wife has consistently missed. Somehow she is in the mood to go, Her friend notices my wife has appropriate clothes and makeup and looks good. There are other women with challenges, I leave for about 2 hours and she stays and its seemingly a nice night.

4. Bad days after good nights Somehow we cannot maintain things. Someone said she feels under pressure to act and that is exhausting and felt the next day. She's not in a good move the next day. I work and basically clean the house but ask her to put away the dishes, nothing is done and ask like 10 times, and get wait 5 minutes I'll do them. She doesn't answer her sister's calls or another friend. and is walking around Her sister calls me on something else and I ask my wife to join me to go to the bank.

5. I want to see my sister My wife then says I want to see my sister (meaning drive up 2 hours) repeatedly as nauseum for the next 2 hours. No plans has been made. I try to calmly explain that this will not work. Previously we stayed there for what was supposed to be 2 days and turned into 8 with my brother-in-law constantly asking I thought you people were supposed to be leaving today. Then I told her I had critical things that needed to be done and she ignored that.

Now we supposed to be planning for a holiday dinner Wed, having 20 people over (including her sister) need to get the house in order, she is supposed to cook, old Jenny would plan 2-3 weeks in advance, and she wants to leave.

I can just imagine Tuesday Night, we're at her sister's no one in the family knows what's going on and we haven't even bought basic chairs and tables.
I briefly try to explain this but perhaps mistakenly just say we cannot go and she keeps asking.

Finally I say I need to get away from you and start walking down the street and she follows. I tell her I don't want more stress, I had a demanding day working, and yell this maybe 50 times and she just says I want to go to my sister's. I tell her I can't constantly deal with this crap, I'm going to quit my job, there will a dramatic change in income and that will be your fault because you would not let me work. The response 5 minutes later is I want to see my sister.

Later she calms down, seems to understand why we couldn't go, and says she's a terrible person and I'm doing the best I can to deal with this. I ask her why can't we solve problems and work through issues. Imagine a student is having problems with a student dividing 2 decimals. The teacher says let me explain and the student yells I'm stupid, I'll never understand it, instead of just spending a few minutes to learn. I ask her why can't she just listen to me, I don't want to argue, we never used to in 30 years but when she is this agitated mood it seems impossible to get through to her.

I have a therapist but the first call was just exploratory. I have a reasonable amount of patience her mother lived with her for 3 years and I get more angry now in a day then I would in a year then. Her psychiatrist thought she was doing better, lowered the dose on her anti-psychotic to as needed, and as seen at the book club, she can handle herself well.

Maybe she’s adjusting to the reduced dosage of her meds. Or maybe they shouldn’t be reduced as much? I think those kinds of drugs require tweaking.

I’m sorry it’s so rough. It would be really stressful to live with someone like that. I am glad you are seeking out help for yourself.

If she starts throwing stuff I wouldn’t clean it up and I wouldn’t replace it. Let her deal with it. Sorry just my two cents. You can’t always be the person to make things right or pick up the literal and proverbial pieces for her. It’s a terrible burden.

Hola Bobby,
I’m just going to throw this out there but A-LOT of what you talk about reminds me of back when my grandmother was suffering from Lewy Body Dementia. I mean a lot, the not being able to be left alone, paranoia, delusions, suddenly feeling like you need to go from where you are like thinking she has to leave the house or suddenly having to go to her sisters. Even the constantly asking for things over & over. I have not mentioned this before & still feel unsure mentioning it because we are not doctors. But after you said about it couldn’t be Alzheimer’s & thought how long it took to get the diagnosis & years later when she eventually ended up on an Alzheimer’s unit she was very different from the patients that had just regular Alzheimer’s. I’m not going to talk about it much more because I’m thinking back of everything we went through & how it was soo hard to calm her down (which must have been so scary for her) (& she had people frustrated in the beginning, not understanding it was the Lewy’s Body D)

Either way I hope for good things & heck hope I AM wrong but I just wanted to mention this

Big hug to you & your dear wife <3

Thanks so much for taking the time to reply. There are Alzheimer symptoms and somewhat similiar to my aunt. a wonderful, caring, pleasant lady who become combative and physically confrontational later in life.

But again, this change in behavior was accompanied by a dramatic loss of memory. Each time I look at Alzheimer or dementia, boom, memory loss comes up. And the behavior is consistent. Could your grandmother turn it on when needed and act completely normal in a social situation like my wife? She walked in one day to her psychiatrist, asked how his summer was, commented on one vacation place, and was personally and socially adept, some thing I think most people in an Alzheimer unit would be unable to do.

I may look at some neuro-psychological testing, that has been suggested.
I am going to monitor Lewy's Dimentia. One study suggests memory loss is deferred but as with other forms, it arises..

So I'm not diminishing your comments, still looking, still searching, and trying to figure things out.

I can only do the best I can but do realize losing my temper yesterday was not good even though I feel as angry as ever sometimes. tt would have been better to simply say no and walk away and provide a calm and consistent response.

I actually wondered about dementia myself when you first started posting about your wife.

My mom had Alzheimer’s disease. Early stage symptoms prior to her diagnosis didn’t involve displaying significant memory loss. She had trouble focusing, problem solving, poor spatial judgement, couldn’t handle finances, had some subtle changes in her gait. These were all things we didn’t know were related to Alzheimer’s, except in hindsight, after she was diagnosed. As the disease initially progressed she seemed normal some days, and some days there was definitely marked confusion, frustration, etc. If she had to be “on” one day, she’d be out of it for a day or two after. My mom was a very personable, engaging person and even with her Alzheimer’s she loved being around people. She never displayed rage and or had melt downs. My point here is it can affect people differently. Truly her memory was shot of course by the end of her life but memory loss is really just one part of it. It’s all this other cognitive and physical stuff that is impacted as well.

All this to say, dementia is not easy to diagnose and the symptoms can mirror other things in the early stages. My mom had two series of neuropsychological testing and two brain scans. She knew something was wrong with her. She was very aware she was not right so she was really searching for answers. The first brain scan was inconclusive and she did ok on the first series of neuropsychological testing. So no diagnosis at first. A year later, she showed decline with the second neuropsychological testing and the second brain scan showed changes and some hallmarks of Alzheimer’s. They then diagnosed her based on those changes and her worsening symptoms.

I don’t know if your wife has dementia or not and don’t want to stoke fear about it. Depression and anxiety really can include a lot of what your wife exhibits. But it might though be worth having the neuropsychological tests at some point. It’s a good discussion to have with her doctors.

You are human. Sometimes frustration gets the best of us. It’s ok.

Lilmissy7, Lewy Body Dementia is a terrible disease. Sorry your grandmother had to suffer through that.

Aw no worries Bobby I don’t think your diminishing my comment you got enough to worry about. I’m sorry you had to see your Aunt go through that too.
But yes in the beginning she (my grandmother was able to kinda turn it on & off around a physiatrist until it got worse, I think she was genuinely scared of them or maybe what was happening to her.) Even when it progressed there was a psychiatrist called to the house by the police & she held it together until they left too the point that some of my family was like “how the hell did she do that?”

As it progressed it started getting worse (well all the time) but especially at night. There’s a phrase for it getting worse at night that I can’t remember because I’m bilingual & have a brain fog from the pain & migraine stuff I got going on.

My grandfather was so patient & attentive to her (even when she tried to stab him & stuff) but later on I’ll be honest he cried to me about the times that he did loose patience with her.

I know you are trying your best, this stuff is all really hard

I will for sure be keeping you guys in my prayers
Gentlest of hugs <3

& Hi rmb I just saw your comment above mine big hug to you too <3

& since I’m back an extra hug to you Bobby (((hug)))

Lilmissy7 may be referring to sundowner syndrome which is a marked change in one’s demeanor toward evening. It does sound like your wife is not processing the conversations you have with her, for example your work, which is so totally necessary for the standard of living. It also seems she is pretty fixed on what she wants, versus what is needed to maintain that standard. A “ reasonable” person would certainly understand the necessity for you to be able to focus on work when necessary instead of demanding car rides and other spontaneous activities that would distract you from making a living. Maybe those tests are necessary, regardless of her willingness to do them. Anxiety can mimic other disorders. When I was first diagnosed, I was put thru a ringer of testing, psychological and physical, to rule out other causes. I would have thought in your wife’s case, especially given her age and late onset of anxiety symptoms, those tests would have been done first. Anxiety and depression is usually apparent at a much younger age, although it is not unheard of at your wife’s age. The lack of reasoning and change of libido should be reported to her doctor along with her change in demeanor and any other “symptoms” that aren’t normal for her. In the meantime, be sure to take time for yourself and work on your patience as best you can. And don’t beat yourself up for losing patience, you aren’t dealing with someone who is rational right now. This is all new territory for the both of you, it has got to be testing your patience to the limit. Just do your best as best you can.

I truly thank you all for the love and caring that comes through. Today my son called, wanting to make sure things are on track. My wife agrees to go to Costco with him and we pick up a table and supplies for dinner which is good. We're 70% of the way there. He says have you put out the decorations?

I started looking in the garage and saw some family photos and put them out. At first, somehow my wife became very angry. Then I moved the photos and realized this made the house ours. In the multiple other houses, hotels, and family places, we did not put our photos there and make the place ours. Now we could do that and my wife fairly agreed the photos should they and appreciated them. We were no longer wondering but right now this is our home.

We then went to dinner at a nice restaurant which she enjoyed. Going into the parking lot, she pointed out this was the same parking lot we had parked in several months ago, again her memory impressive, as I struggled to identify a Spanish drink- they're serving that drink and even though there's no liquor license I guess you can bring the liquor and make one on your own- you mean Sangria she said, yeah that's it. So it was a good day.

One challenge is how do you deal with her indecisiveness and scheduling with others, Several years ago, we had a friend who cancelled multiple dinners, once after my wife had spent several hours making multiple appetizers for when they would come. We thought they were inconsiderate, perhaps we were second choice, and only recently realized that she had the same type of anxiety as my wife. ,

That’s the tricky part. Ordinarily I would say to go on without her, but after thinking about this, if her condition is not just anxiety related, you are playing in a game I know nothing about as far as personal experience is concerned. Anxiety is a disorder of thinking which can be corrected if one is willing to face themselves and their fear. However, if your wife’s condition is not simply just an anxiety disorder, the only knowledge I can pass on is being patient right now. Those tests are super important and should be scheduled ASAP. It will give you a better idea of what you may be dealing with so you can get the proper help and information you need. This area is where I would not give the wife an option to say she won’t go. As a last thought, I know there are medications for conditions such as Alzheimer’s that help somewhat. To what extent I don’t know, this is something I am not familiar with.

Have you asked her psychiatrist to explain her indecisiveness, how she handles appointments and commitment, her paranoia, all the things you describe? I just wonder if he agrees it’s all part of whatever mental health condition he diagnosed her with. He’s treating her so he must be able to articulate why she might behave this way. Sometimes knowing the why makes it easier to deal with or understand.

If your wife has some kind of mental break down, I suspect that can be a complex road to recovery.

Anyway, glad you had a nice dinner out. It’s good to have those moments.