Anxiety Support Group
Anxiety is a physical condition marked by intense and persistent feelings of distress, fear, angst or dread. General anxiety caused by routine day-to-day stresses usually passes quickly and is experienced by almost everyone at one time or another. However, such feelings that linger over time and are very difficult to cope with, and which lack a clear cause, may indicate...
As I've mentioned, I'm coming off of a whirlwind of drama/drama that's happened in my life over the last 4 ish year's. One of these was my husband crashing super hard about three years ago. His long term job at a law firm, went away as the law firm closed. He wasnt set up for getting a new job, but landed another good position at a smaller firm. Problem is the woman running the place was “different” and my husband folded when he was presented with her rather crazed approach. So ultimately she fired him.
He crashed and has been out of work for three years now. I started with depression (dealt with it my whole life) but with this and other tragedies, my anxiety went through the roof. I was diagnosed with GAD, and likely complicated PTSD. Anyways I write this really more for context. My husband has recently turned the corner from his dark night of the soul. Me I've been in mine for a bit now.
In trying to heal my anxiety, I've been doing a lot of work around family of origin stuff. My grew up with my mom. She was a very talented narcissist and I have the wounds to show it. I've come to realize, that this upbringing set me up to attract other narcissists and repeat this same pattern of wanting love (that I didn't have growing up). I believe it's these narcissistic wounds that have really created the anxiety that haunts me.
I realize I'm jumping around a bit, but my father is the only one left in my family. I didn't grow up with him, but in my 30s we finally created a relationship and have been friends for a number of year's. About 7 years ago he returned to his church. We've not really been close since then. Recently I've realized that he to is a narcissist (covert). I had the strangest and most disturbing call with him today. My husband (bless him) said in response to some “subtle” put downs of me. “I want you to realize, that Dave wasn't to blame for what happened. I was really struggling and was actually pretty abusive. I blamed him, and took it out on him for three years. I'm incredibly thankful he didn't leave”. My fathers response was, oh I'm sure you think you were abusive but I'm sure it was on both sides (mind you I'm not a perfect person, and I know this, but I was reacting to severe circumstances).
Anyways to make a long story longer, I realized that my Dad who is getting old, has this view of me that is invested in me “being the problem”. To the extent that he's willing to actively excuse people when their behavior to me is inappropriate. My last living relative is also narcissistic and willing to chuck me under the bus, but wait for it, expects me to come save him when he is ready to pass (he's in his late 70s now).
The good, it's helped me realize where the anxiety and depression came from. It's again reiterated where my own lack of self care cones from, because I believe I don't deserve to be well, and be loved. I'm slightly angry, but more then anything it was so visible, I'm fascinated at how even when my husband stood up (bless him)and admitted his mistakes, my own family choose to blame me in some fashion.
The bad, I've been working on living in the moment and letting the past go. It's been going pretty well, but I think I'm done with this relationship. I'm an empathic person, and I like to think I have a big heart. I had expected to support him as he ages, but I'm not sure (in a world of good boundaries, and self care) if I'm invested. I think this may be a good thing in the long run, perhaps I'm making progress? I don't want to live in anger with him, that is not the answer. I am still angry, but it feels more then that. I've been chasing this pattern of parental love my whole life, it's not served me. I don't want to leave my last elderly relative with no one, but I'm simply not going to get anything from this.
For a guy who has burnt himself to a crisp in life taking care of others, this feels like one more time where I sacrifice my own well being for another. I “think” my lesson has been to not do that and take care of me. Anyways, I'm not sure what I'm looking for in this, I realize the absolution from this board really doesn't solve anything, but I'm open to thoughts should you want to share.
Dave
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I did the dumbest thing today. I charged my earbuds, unplugged the block and put the block in my little bag instead of the earbuds. I wasn't happy about that when I got to the gym. What a dummy!
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Ever since I stopped doing therapy because of insurance, I've been feeling that old tense and irritable sense of anxiety and stress. I hate that. I was making so many strides and changes during therapy, my therapist would acknowledge all of my progress and accomplishments, and I miss that reassurance. Today I thought about it, and I made those changes! She would always tell me that I chose to...
When you were first diagnosed with GAD and the possible complex PTSD, what did they say for you to do next? Therapy? Medication?
Writing in a journal is helpful in sorting out our anxious thoughts.
Keep on venting and sorting. Your answers are in there.
Gentle support while you sort. Be patient with the process.
@Arfie - yeah, you are right. One of my biggest challenges is patience. My brain and EGO are pretty talented and want to jump ahead. One thing I know the universe has been sending a pretty strong message. Umm yeah well help, but it's our timeline not yours. Thanks for the reminder, I think the take away for me is to go surface level on communication, process, and see what more develops. I'm sure you've experienced this but every once in awile you get these moments of clarity. I was just a bit slapped by how visible it was. Thanks for the gentle advice.
Patience does not come naturally to me. I used to think I was joking when I cried, "God, please grant me patience. NOW GODDAMMIT! ! !" Somewhere along the way I realized that the teensy, cathartic release from the mini rant granted me just enough patience to notice I was tripping on yet another proverbial rabbit hole. It was enough to head off another reactive crisis.
Small steps. . . Itsy bitsy baby steps. . .
Keep venting and sorting.
For what it's worth
I love tapping. It really does grant me emotional freedom.
The homework assignments each week, the office visit of 45 minutes, and the changes in the way the assignments worked, all helped me learn how to find other methods to find calm and balance and clear head in 'anxiety' mode.
The healing of history long past is a challenge. Writing in a journal is one of the best gifts in releasing those painful words, feelings, moments, and thoughts in a safe way.
The more you express, the easier it is to sort through all of it and separate the pieces to place the puzzle into a picture.
Getting fired takes the wind out of your sails in so many ways. Finding that strength to keep your head held high, your shoulders straight, and your smile confident is a valuable anxiety calming tool.
Taking the time to be positive and accepting responsibility for what we say, do, act, react, and respond is healing for both the giver and the receiver.
You're not alone, and those tiny steps really do make a difference.