Sorry- I did not check my spelling...

Thank you lovingladyo for your kind words which are so soothing for us all. It is difficult to put oneself in somebody else's shoes. their actions might be due to fear, but fear of what? they might be unfounded fears. the only way to have a clue is to ask. if there was a change in behavior it is understandable to ask why. have I wronged you in any way? taking care of an autistic child is hero work and we all congratulate you for it. in every hug, every sign of compassion, every tear we join you with there is a father and a mother that suffers immensely with your suffering and is delighted immensely with your joy. hugs to you and your child. you did a great job tracking down your father. God bless.

Thank you lovingladyyo and bullito for your very kind and comforting words-I appreciate it so very much! You are correct in the natural desire to be loved unconditionally by one's parent. I guess I developed an image in my head all these years, and he did seem very sweet at first. It seems he is just off and on, and I don't know how to please him. As mentioned, we probably both have a lot of fears...

I have finals next week and lots of papers to write so I think I will just hold off on talking to him about my feelings, because the conversation will probably feel very intense.. I did speak to my sister today, and she feels very uncomfortable with all the attention and comments he is giving her the last couple of weeks . (remember she is not his daughter) At any rate, at least it made me feel a little less crazy about being bother by it-just seems odd!

Thank you again for your words of encouragement, prayers, and virtual hugs...also would just appreciate prayers that I can find a couple of friends to get together with that do not mind coming to my place or having my son about. Moved here about a year and a half ago, and have not found connections. But, I am grateful to make these online friends-this is the first time I have joined a forum! If you don't mind me asking, what brought both of you here, and what might be your struggles? Would love to listen and get to know you better...

Hugs...

Let it go, do your exams, and then after all that, take the time to grieve the loss of the expectation you had.

All too often, we search for what we hope is mutual, only to find that the root of the problem is not with us, it is what we search for.

You are a strong person, a loving person, and your ability to see beyond the appearances will help you find a balance in this.

Dear me don't talk to him about your intense feelings. Recipe for disaster. Just carry on as usual.

You are going to have to learn a new system, 'how to handle men' and it generally involves carrying all your own insecurities, and waiting. No touchy feely. Give him time, and by time I mean 3 years.

He communicates better with your little sister because there's no pressure on him, and no sense of debt. He owes her nothing, so she is easier to deal with. You will have to find any 'intensity' that you may have, and repress it. Intensity is a flaw of being young and also of having been badly treated. But it scares people.

I imagine on the day you were leaving when you lost your keys he thought you had 'lost your keys' and all of the insecurities he was quelling, about whether you were the real deal, and who you might be (remember he doesn't know you from a bar of soap) and whether you'd start to siphon his life out his wallet, would have kicked in and he panicked.

This WILL happen. He doesn't know you. He wants to trust you, he invited you to stay, but we can't trust when we don't trust and panic triggers us all. Remember also that if you have anxiety, he may well too because his biology will be similar.

So in short: take it easy, cry out your anxiety attacks, cry out your feelings of worthlessness and inferiority and understand that they were yours before he got there, and aren't something he owns. He can't prop up all your insecurities. Daddy can't take all your woes away. You're a woman now and have to handle those alone.

time has taught me over the years that people think better of you than you think they do. And that time to them is different. A week may be long to you, and short to them. They may have a life so full that a month is to them what a day is to you. This I think is the main cause for friction between people: different levels of expectation for contact.

Just wipe the slate clean for him. Pretend nothing icky happened, and just contact him cheerfully about something totally else, and let everything just float away downstream. Be patient with him. Be undemanding, be relaxed. And in about 3 yrs you will have a strong friendship.

These things are not immediate. You've made a big move and that's great: now give it time to just be normal and let everyone start to feel safer.

Also it's important to tell you:

1. fathers can be assholes and that is a thing that they do that is normal;
2. having someone to stay with you can be outrageously anxiety causing. It can happen to me. Whatever his habits are, he has grown used to them and they soothe him. It might be watching cornoation street every night at 7pm. who knows what self-soothing mechanisms he has in his life that your stay has interrupted, and so his stress levels have increased, and increased. I remember when I was going through GAD I had some people to stay who needed a home when working on the orchard I was at; I would freak out internally from all sorts of things, and would hide outside looking at their badly hung washing, or remembering the spoon in the fork drawer, and panic. 'don't freak out, don't freak out'. I remember myself telling myself. 'Don't be the nutcase!'

I am now out the other side of GAD, and am far more flexible and far less in need of my self soothe, but I still will carry stress if I can't get online for my 1/2 hr a morning or whatever.

So add that in. Dad's a biochemical organism. He's been through heaps, as have you. You two will balls up again and again over the years, bang heads again and again. And the question will be: will you let each other be real?

Will you allow each other to screw up, and still be there tomorrow? The only promise you ever have to make is to still be there tomorrow and let them be who they actually are, and not some pretend prettified version of who you think they ought to be, even if you stand tomorrow in the wreckage of your relationship of today, being there tomorrow is the bottom line.

So no. Don't tell him you're cutting him off. That is the one thing you are not allowed ever to do to each other. And I've learned this one the hard way so take it from me.

You're trying to get a quick resolution so you can 'let it go' and focus on your work. well, letting it go is the answer. Any other 'decision' you make to make it easier to shelve this and get on with the assignments is going to cause fallout and you still won't focus on your assignments.

So this one? You're going to let this one float away. You're not going to rock the boat. You're going to let everything go and give everything time and not ruin any relationships just due to exam stress. :p