Just a few minutes ago I woke up and was getting adjusted to being awake playing on my phone a bit. And my sister came in, I thought she was just gonna tell me she's leaving to go to her friends house or something. But she came in and said she's going with my dad to tell my little brother his mom died. They just found out about it and I guess my dad was crying. Some background on my step mom, she's been on drugs for a long time and she was not very nice to me when I was younger at all. Actually she really messed me up. We didn't have the best of childhoods because of her. In the recent years she actually outed me to my father right after saying she loved us so much and was sorry she treated us badly. So you'd think I wouldn't mind very much about this. But it feels weird. Death is very triggering to me bc whenever people talk about it scary thoughts go into my head and I hate it so much. Even though I didn't like her she was a big part of my life like a signifact part. I almost feel bad for ever talking bad about her or wishing she'd get hurt. I know all the stuff she put us through gives me a right to not like her but if never want someone to die because I don't like them. I'm just starting to grow more and more anxious about this no one that I've known closely has died before. I haven't talked to her in a long time but I always assumed I'd see her again or hear about something she did again. Idk I'm just feeling very lost and now scared because I don't like to think about this topic. When the scary thoughts come around logic is hard to hold on to and I can't calm myself down. Not going to spell check this so sorry of the words are misspelled. I almost didn't want to type this out because id rather just push it all out of my mind but I think maybe it would be more helpful if I talk about it here.