Accept that you have no control on anyone but yourself, you are not responsible for their happiness, only your own.

Thank you. It’s hard how do I practice that

Hi! Can't give you tips other than try to not care about what others are thinking so much. I struggle with inner critic alot too. It's harder supposedly when you're dealing with abusive past.

It absolutely takes practice. I swear so much of my anxious thoughts, obsessive thoughts, etc are mostly just habits I’ve finely crafted over the past 50 decades. Hard to change that over night.

My dad was an alcoholic and I spent a lot of my childhood trying tiptoeing around and fretting, and trying to mediate fights between my parents at like, age six. When I think about all the development that occurs when you are young but you don’t have the luxury of a healthy home or healthy caregivers, it just creates a lot of distortion later on, in my opinion. But this is what I know. A lot of those things I learned in childhood in order to cope and normalize things don’t necessarily work in adulthood. So you almost have to relearn how to process, think, and hell, even live in your own skin. Learning how to redirect my thoughts has been immensely helpful to me. It does take practice and while it not always works 100%, it works enough to be able to let my freak flag fly a bit and not care so much about what people may or may not think about me. It also helps knowing people aren’t thinking about us as much as we think.

Hello Candle. Welcome to DS.

I believe I am on the other end of that spectrum. After decades of psychotherapy, it still often surprises me to discover that other people think at all. People pleasing? ? ? Is it even possible to keep anybody continuously satisfied? Even myself? I explored the possibility that I might be a classic narcissist with one of my therapists. He didn't believe it so. He believed my callous disregard was part of my isolation syndrome. All these decades later, I agree with him. Disregarding other people's thoughts does, indeed, isolate me.

Oh, for the love of balance. . .

But I married a People Pleaser and have quite allot of sibs-in-healing who struggle with caring too much about what other people think. Between us there is balance? For sure we learn allot from one another when we are open to learning. Most days I'd rather isolate than learn, AMA, of course. Well? ? ? Isolating used to be Against Medical Advice. Then along came Corona.

i am sorry for the anxiety this is causing you. I think you need a boost to your self-esteem and self-worth so you can be happy with yourself regardless of external influences and other people's opinions. I too need my self worth to be better than it is. I suggest you check out some youtube videos and Ted Talks that offer encouragement and techniques on how to ratchet up your self esteem. Once you start loving yourself more, gathering confidence and taking care of you better...you will notice that other people cannot take away your mojo.....good luck

You take it one step at a time, Rome wasn’t built in a day...give yourself the luxury of time to change your thinking process. If you aren’t seeing a therapist, I recommend you do. They can offer great insight and tips to help you along the way. Another thing is self talk, saying true statements to yourself often can have a big impact on your thinking. An example is “ I am not responsible for other people’s happiness”. Think these sort of things to yourself everyday, without fail, especially when in those situations you describe. You may not believe at first, but say it anyway. It’s not the belief that works but the actual practice. A good book “It’s only Anxiety” by Carl James available at Amazon, will help you understand the need for practice and truth statements. Around $20 including shipping. Excellent investment.

I should have added this thought, people are not paying as much attention to us as we think they are, it’s an illusion in our own mind. Our being hyper aware is what causes it. And our need to be loved, safe and secure is what is really at the core. I use one truth statement all the time “I’m ok” which to me means I am just as good as anybody else, I am not better than anyone else, I’m just simply an ok person with faults just like everyone else. I don’t have to be something I’m not, it’s ok to just be me. This gives me room to be myself, to have faults, to accept myself for who I am and takes the pressure off myself to be everything to everybody. It lets me relax and enjoy being me. Look, if everybody was the same, it would be a boring world, so get started enjoying who you are with no pressure, even in the face of anxiety, cause that’s who you are right now.

I was just like you before I got put on a new medication. I used to tell my counselor the same worries you have. She used to say to me "HOW DO YOU KNOW? HOW DO YOU KNOW WHAT THEY ARE THINKING? DO YOU HAVE PROOF? You know what, when I look back, she was right. I HAD NO PROOF THEY WERE JUDGING ME OR THINKING ABOUT ME.
It's all in our minds. We have to stop those thoughts.

I think you accomplished a lot recognizing what's happening. I know I became conflict-averse seeing a lot of arguing in the family. The next step is recognizing what is dysfunctional for whatever reason. If your family struggled to get peaches, and your mom would get a 100 when she had the chance, that doesn't mean you do the same.

First, you have to recognize that what other people think does not always matter. And you can be happy without getting other's approval.

Welcome to the anxiety board at DS.

You've taken the important first step in writing it out.

You are only responsible for what you say, do, act, react, respond and when you choose to put your well-being first, often the other person's response will get worse before it improves as their usual response no longer fits.

Stop, pause, breathe, choice, repeat until you are calm, clear headed and can make a factual response, not an emotional one.

You can not change others, you can change yourself.

You are not alone. My anxiety about what others think of me prevent me from having people over. I cannot relax when people are visiting. If you find a solution please post it. Many people I know are turning to prescription drugs. I am working on loving myself.

yes-you nailed it about where that pattern was created....now that you know where those evil thoughts come from....send them away by confronting them each time they pop up: "OMG is she laughing at me?" (Doubtful--she's standing next to Doug who is the office comic-he's hilarious) "Do they like me?" (Why is that important? Do you like THEM?) just keep at it-those voices will quiet down some... mine crop up from time to time when I get tired or feel yucky. Also realize that most people are just really into themselves and they don't really care...and those that do, and are critical, are working out their own evil inner voices..