My counselor told me that she thinks that I have more anxiety than depression, and I found out by happenstance that she also diagnosed me with PTSD.  I didn't know this, but it is kind of enlightening.  The shoe fits in this instance but I am disappointed that it is an actual diagnosis for me. 

I woke up with tremendous anxiety this morning, to the point where I thought I was going to jump right out of my skin.  I had a stressful day yesterday, Saturday, as I have class on Saturday morning, remotely, at university, and lately it's gotten stressful.  I had some massage work done because I was in pain, and felt better, so I resumed my evening plans. I have to force myself to get out these days; I'm vaccinated and in OK shape, so I feel it's time to resume normal life.  I've been at home for quite a long time so actually leaving to socialize gives me a lot of fear, and it never used to. 

I had a blast lastnight, a good time. I decided that it would help and get me away from ruminating excessively if I went out and had some fun. I was right. We had dinner, I met some interesting people, and went for drinks afterward.  It was a nice diversion and I went with a meetup.  I feel that my friends are not fun and relaxing. They stress me greatly. While it's great to lend support to people, it seems like that's all it is, and I get worn to the point of snapping by listening to them. I listen to many angry and unhappy people at work, also.  I once dated a guy who said he wished our conversations were lighter. I understand that now. I get stressed when topics get too heavy too on politics or health issues. Wow it can really wear you out.   It was really nice just to talk about light hearted topics and enjoy the evening. That's what I prefer to do these days. It's an easier way to get to know people. 

I came home and started obsessing again, getting on the computer and checking my ex' social media at midnight.  He used to attend the group that I am still going to. He's moved to another country and I is meeting new women.  I can't really get a handle on the obsession, it's the guy that said he wishes our conversations were lighter.  Anyway, I was relaxed and ready to go to sleep when I started checking it again.  His social media was totally dormant during the pandemic, and I just felt that we never did get closure.  I was actually relieved to see his smiling face having a blast in his new country, visiting or permanent. I was worried sick to death when the virus started whether he was still alive, or OK. So he seems alright.

Maybe it's good that he moved. He was having terrible trouble here, could not pay bills, had a failing business, trouble with his son and lots of debt, and my poor, poor sweet baby even talked about suicide. I was heartbroken for him.  I tried, tried, tried to lend my sweet and so beautiful man support but I just don't think it was enough. Some days he would cry and I would console him. He started to cry and said I was one of the most loving caring people he ever knew.  Who knows, some people say it was crocodile tears and he was manipulating me. I'll never know. I know he had issues but I don't think he was fabricating his pain.  I was relieved to see him smiling in his recent pictures. He never smiled before. He would occasionally, but he was so stressed that more often he looked worried and troubled.

At church I had the opportunity to talk to a chaplain today, and I'm so glad I did. She sat with me for a while and it really helped when we did a meditation, I was very calmed down. She was so understanding and listened, did not make me feel stupid for missing him. She said it's grief.  I miss how he would come and cook for me and hold me when I was sick and kiss me, it was so comforting. Now I am needing surgery and I have to meet with the surgeon this week. I am a little afraid, and at night when I lay down I think about my fears and reach my hand out to touch my sweet man and feel his comfort, but he is gone. I need him so much now.

Funny, there are a few calls/numbers on my phone from the country that he is in. I don't know if it's coincidence or not, but I'm tempted to call to see who it was. I don't have international calling, but a part of me wants to pay the ten dollars and try. I know I shouldn't, and that I should leave the past in the past, I just wish I had his healing presence with me.  No matter who I wind up with or who he finds to be with, he will always have a piece of my love to take with him forever.