I am not sure where a post like this would go, but I suppose that anxiety and depression could affect relationships and sexuality.  I am assuming we are all adults here (I don't know).

I feel like the pandemic and the quarantine really impacted my mental health and sexuality.  Just before the lockdown, the man I was dating broke up with me.  He was a narcissist.  This changes the picture, I think.  We didn't have a fantastic relationship, but we had amazing sex.

The combintation of his abruptly dropping me and then almost a year and a half of quarantine seemed to have the effect on my sex drive as to kill it. No fantasies, no drive, no nothing. I have passed menopause now, but was going through menopause prior to the pandemic.  I literally was dead inside emotionally and otherwise during quarantine. 

Even though I was one of the first to be vaccinated and out of the house...I was just never....attracted. To anyone anymore. With the exception of a man that I went on a date with last summer; I was quite attracted to him but it was just not a match so I didn't see him again.

I went on another date last year, I was only platonically attracted to that person, but I started crying when he said he wanted a relationship.  I don't know what came over me.  He was similar to my ex in that he worked in the same field. He was a very attractive man, but he also appeared like a narcissist and there were red flags: he said, "You know, I'm just a wolf in sheep's clothing." My ex used to make statements like this. He was not kidding.  This time I decided not to make the same mistake.

It is my perception that life was not really "normal" until now in terms of the virus. It still isn't 100 percent. But social events and the like are not what they were...until now.  I am going out and meeting people at the rate and amount that I did prior to Covid-large social events, mixers, etc.

I'm trying to make a long story short but it's hard.  I had met my ex at an activity group, and he worked in IT.  I really admired him for what he did.  I was going back to school for a field in IT and that is how we started talking. I was really "in love" with him, whatever that means, but I was crazy about him. I think he was using me, in hindsight. 

He has since quit the activity group, and it's been two years.  I went back to the group as I really like it.  I was at an event last month and interacting with a man who also has the same career as my ex. We started talking. No big deal, we talked a couple of times.  I don't know what happened, but the last time I interacted with him something seemed to be there. I felt like a tight band of energy, like a rubberband pulling tighter and tighter, something I haven't felt in a long time.  He was very polite and kind and patient, and I'm struggling with an illness so it's hard to socialize. Whereas other people will get frustrated and walk away, he sat down right up close to me and looked directly into my eyes and held my gaze.  I was completely overtaken by something in his eyes, I don't know it was his patience and willingness to listen, but I was completely awed by the pure blue of his eyes. I never realized he was so attractive, I had thought he was this nerdy, chubby guy.  It was nice of him to listen. Later, we were interacting with the group and I caught him staring intently at me and I sort of felt what was like the ground shift under me.  I didn't think much of it then or later, for several weeks. 

I was out of town a week ago, walking along, and all the sudden out of nowhere his face came into my mind.  The image of his eyes just would not go away-it was the strangest thing.  I couldn't stop thinking of him. It was very random.  Then, my thoughts took an inappropriate turn.  Not the first time it's ever happened to me but I just don't think it's healthy to fantasize about acquaintances. I don't want to get a crush on someone or want to have sex with them because they are nice to me. (And have them be aware of it-this has happened to me!) That person used it against me. 

There was another event today and I knew he would be there. I felt so much guilt over my thoughts and feelings that I didn't go to the event and I was looking forward to it all week.  I was just totally overcome with anxiety.  I tend to wear my emotions on my sleeve and most people can tell what is up by your demeanor.  I just couldn't face him. Plus I don't want to go totally red as I do this too. I also felt like I was going to cry and not be able to stop crying. During quarantine, I was utterly numb-numb to the news, just emotionless.  Or, I would go to sleep with terrible pain in my chest because my BF was no longer next to me.  It was unbearable. Stuck in the house with that terrible pain in the center of my chest.  Is that what heartbreak is?

Now, I can't stop feeling. It's like I want to cry endlessly or get laid or have a huge party, just overwhelming amounts of emotions.

The last time I saw this person he had mentioned depression for some reason, it was very out of context. He just brought it up out of the blue. We were sitting around talking, myself and another person and him and I had also mentioned the previous BF during conversation with him and another person. 

I think it bothers me that he reminds me so much of my former boyfriend-same height and build, same profession, but I think he is a much nicer person. I don't know. He also strikes me as a very private person.  I don't trust men now. My ex I am not sure ever finalized his divorce-he was out of the house and they were separated when I met him-but I think I was a backup. He kept telling me that the proceedings would be final.  I was venting about it there to him and someone else, and I probably should not have. People were in a venting mode that day.

I don't know what's wrong with me.  It seems a silly reason not to go, but the intensity of my feelings really scared me.  Years back I used to have a hopeless crush on a guy when we hung out with a group of friends. He kept saying he wanted to date me-and then never did. He was a real jerk.  He seemed to think it was funny that I liked him and everyone knew he was manipulating me. I then was excluded from the group. I'm just too trusting all around. 

 I've had many relationships yet I can emotionally go back to adolescence in a flash.  The anxiety drove me to cancel this afternoon. There is also another man there who is sort of obsessively interested in me and I can't stand him-and he was going to be there too. He is always hitting on me and I hate it!  It was just too much to deal with today and I haven't slept in two days, either, hardly. I'm kind of glad I'm taking some downtime. I also feel like if this man was interested, I probably would know, not just wonder.