First, you grieve the loss in its entirety.

Second, your anxiety also needs to be grieved. You have changed the direction of the anxiety with all the resources, and learned how to manage it.

Third, sadness is part of the grief cycle.

Fourth, you lost the relationship, not the person. Take time to sort out everything from first person, third person, and then separate the emotions, thoughts, and feelings.

Fifth, make a plan of how you want your anxiety to work for you. What do you want to do with the sadness.

You are stronger than your feelings, and you are finding who you are - as you are - and being able to be you with you first will help you find your balance in working with other people again.

Did you say you are still in therapy? I think before you were posting that your telling lies to a lot of people was really getting in the way of living your life. I do think that when (not if, but when) you get a hold of the reasons for lying to those you love, that you will feel a lot better all around.

Maybe later on she would be willing to talk, once you are more truthful to her. I am not sure if she left because you have anxiety, but rather she left because of the lying (as you posted earlier), and when you get control of the lying, I am wondering if she would be open to talking to you. Keep working on being the best you that you can be.

Take the best care of yourself during this time. Take care of your kids. Stay busy. Eat, sleep, exercise, journal, etc. Things will be okay. Take it one day at a time, one hour at a time.

I am still in therapy and a lot of it. Yes the lying is definitely what got me where I am. Working with therapy I have figured out my coping mechanisms for anxiety and panic were to lie, run or explosive anger. I have figured out why I lied so much already and have started the long road of being honest with people and trying to rebuild bridges. Now that I am on medications and don’t feel that fear in my gut it’s like the coping mechanisms are gone...if that makes any sense.
We have talked quite a bit as we do still have our son. She has been clear that my inability to socialize and my irrational fears on top of the lying where just too much.
She has seen the amount of work I am putting into therapy and stuff and she has even rushed over when I was starting meds and had a panic attack so bad all I could do was stand there and scream. Like we are still open with one another.
I am trying to take care of myself and I know it’s completely irrational but as soon as I do something for myself is when my mind goes bonkers and I can’t stop the thoughts.

We need to work to make relationships reasonably balanced. We have a friend whose husband has a severe neurological disease. We try to help, see the couple periodically. and offer help in other ways. However, she works hard to make sure relationships are balanced, she has people over, brings presents, works to be positive, compliments and thanks others. She understands relationship cannot work but one way, even though her husband's illness is not her fault.

So I think you try to tell your partner you will work to do that where possible.
If its not, and she understands that, then you need to understand she is entitled to look for self-fulfillment.

1. A goal of working to control our emotions rather than them controlling us.

As to anxiety, I think its hard, my doctor diagnosed me with anxiety, suggested medication, but I am doing better. Part of that is first realizing we use some anxiety to make ourselves do better- if you worry about a test due in a week and the consequences of failure, you will work on getting it done. But frequently anxiety goes awry and becomes dysfunctional, hindering not helping us.

Then your first is realizing that it is good to control your emotions and anxiety (as you indicated recently.) Then you realize you can only work forward and cannot change things that have been done.

2. A written plan for change

I make a lot of mistakes, but have worked to improve myself. Twice a week, I write down mistakes I made, why they were made, and what I could have done better. I'm tough on myself but once the self-evaluation is done, try not to worry about it too much. You could consider such a self-evaluation, concisely explain what you did wrong and how you will change.

Infidelity is a serious breach. But some men have overcome it with candor and change, not simply acknowledging a mistake, but laying out a concrete plan for change, making social media accessible, eliminating contact with the offender, making amends in other ways. While some women would regard infidelity as a deal-breaker, others might live with it if the person was committed to changing. While your offenses seem less serious, if you were wrong and committed to change, you need to lay it out to your partner.

If you lied, tell your partner you are going to work on candor (or avoiding questions). Many successful people are candid even though it can be tough. Whatever you think of Trump, I think most people feel like his deceptiveness with Covid was not a good thing, and even though it would be hard in the short run, telling the truth would be better. This commitment can be reflected in your plan with your partner, discussing what you will work on eliminating and how, but not lying either. Instead of saying I will not burden you with talk about my anxiety daily, I will work on not discussing small thing and try to focus on your concerns and listen more. (while it would be nice to say you would eliminate something, its more accurate to say you work on eliminating it, and identify steps in the process).