I know how your feeling, I was an only child, but, was like sisters to my cousins. I always feel like second best when we do see each other thats not often now. But they grew up in a house where they were taught constantly, my aunt was a doctor of maths, a teacher in our comprehensive school, and interests in a lot of other things, their dad my uncle ended up as a professor of maths, his lifes work was to know as much as possible about just about everything. I sometimes get asked how are your bright cousins, well one of them actually stays home and helps with different charities and her husband who happens to be a priest. The other is a professor in manchester universities, and my younger cousin in the same family is an opera singer, so I know how it feels to feel second best. We have a family wedding coming up in December in one way I am dreading it, it will be full of opera singers, which I dont like, the dancing afterwards I'm not sure what it is, and they are having mulled wine and canopes and roast hog none of which I can eat. I'm sorry the way your family treat you, I know how you feel and send hugs and support its really not nice to feel the way you feel.

Thanks for replying to my message. I thought I had it bad my sister's husband is an engineer so she thinks he is a genius and she has told me that she is so smart and her kids are so smart her oldest is in advanced math and her youngest is going to be taking engineering classes. I think when people are bragging like that to your face they are basically looking down on you. The funny thing is, is that this sister and her husband have 2 collector cars and a 2 regular vehicles, she walks around with a coach purse the cost about a couple of hundreds of dollars, but yet they are complaining that they don't have any money? And of course she says that she doesn't think she is better than anyone and she not in competition with anyone, then why do you need those things? So you can be better than everyone? That's how I see it anyhow.

I don't think they're bragging. They are sharing because they care about your good opinion of them. They think that you will be happy that they are happy.

When you have anxiety you can be very ashamed of everything. and feel it's not good enough. If you were married to an engineer and had a couple of kids in advanced maths class, and your sister were talking, would you feel put down? No.

you need to ask yourself that question any time you feel put down. Who is doing the putting down? Is it my sister, or is it me......?

My big sister has just bought a beautiful new, expensive house. All her kids play musical instruments, etc. She has every right to show me these things and expect me to be happy for her. And I am.

If I felt that my kids weren't good enough, maybe I would feel narked that her kids are so good. If I felt my little hovel wasn't good enough, maybe I would feel bad about her house. But I like my hovel and I got it on my own after my divorce and I have worked hard for it and on it, and I like it.

And I love my sister, and I'm really happy for her. I think she was worried that I would think she was being wasteful of money or something. You've got to be kidding. I'd buy that house if I had the money.

She and her husband have reaped the rewards of a good marriage with great communication, and common shared goals. I didn't get lucky that way, and it took me 17 years of total misery to realise I had to cut my losses. But that's my problem.

Be careful never to think you are being judged until you've got it in writing, together with a judge's gavel and a full courtroom. Nobody's judging you. They're sharing their lives with you. You're the one judging them.

Happiness is different for everyone. Most people THINK things make them happy....yet it is never enough.
I use to be jealous of my brother (he was 19 months older than me).....I always thought him to be smarter and my mom favored him over me.....and she made it no secret. He passed away almost 40 years ago and up until about 4 or 5 years ago, she kept comparing me to my deceased brother....until I told her "enough.....he isn't here any more and it is not fair to compare him to me....and it is not ok!"
This put an end to the comparison thing. However.....I do love my brother and miss him dearly.....we were best friends.
However, the past several years, I have learned to look at my own qualities.....my own worth. I stopped comparing myself to others. I have found my own happiness.
I went to college and earned a degree in psychology and earned a 3.88 GPA. I earned 2 "A's" in Algebra in which I suck big time at math, but I hired a really good tutor and did it (no cheating....I did it on my own). My dad had told me when I was in grade school that I was unteachable....especially in math....HA....he lived long enough to see I wasn't so stupid :)
I proved to myself that I am VERY smart. I am excelling at other areas of my life....it took all 54 years of my life to learn through some very difficult circumstances and fiery trials.
It has been the past few years that I have stopped comparing myself to others and concentrated on myself. I have beat anxiety by having a more positive attitude.....about everything and everyone. I feel it is equal opportunity in how ppl live their lives.
Sometimes "others" that are bullies or are "superior" are not very happy ppl....in fact they are miserable and you should be glad you are not them. The trick is to stop comparing yourself to others and find your own happiness.
Find other ppl that you are more comfortable to be around. Don't pass up invitations to friends or ppl who treat you well. I have adopted ppl and they treat me better than my family of origin.
They also help you feel better about yourself becuz they accept you just the way you are. Society is the one who states that family is everything and you must have a relationship with them!!!! hooey!!!! Not everyone mixes well.....especially with ppl they share DNA with. So remove their label and voila....they are just another human being. With several billion ppl on this planet, I'm betting their are some others that would love to have an equal relationship with :)
This is just my shiny nickels worth today :)




"Friends are god's way of apologizing for your family!" ~ author unknown to me

I can understand somewhat about how you're feeling, but a lot of the time people are just happy about the situation they are in and don't stop to think about how the person they are expressing their happiness to is feeling. Both my brothers are in relatively better situations than I am, as well as plenty of other people I've talked to, and they tell me about it often enough. A lot of times I feel like they are bragging, but it's not always the case, you can tell the difference between them if you really know the person. You have to listen to things like their tone of voice and how much of a focus (if any) they put on your "not as great" situation, compared to theirs.

Basically unless she's actually saying things like "You're not up to our standard" then try not to take it too hard, it might just be the anxiety getting to you. If they're doing things without inviting you though you really should talk to them about that if it bothers you, which it seems like it does a bit.

Here's what I have learned with all the successes, challenges, and downright dirty deeds over the years with this anxiety.

Just because they say, speak, share, and voice their choices, their opinions does NOT make it your problem. It's their perspective.

You can change how you feel by listing all the skills you have, all the knowledge you have, the experiences you have, and remember those every time you feel less than normal (this is a common anxiety sensation).

You are valued just as much as everyone else.

Best wishes!

Truly smart people are WISE enough to not brag about how smart they are. And yes, I know what you mean. Family is supposed to be a place of solace, love, peace and relaxation, and my family in recent years nit-picks me to death, criticizes me every time I go over there to visit them.

Thanks for posting about family. I feel the same way about mine most days and my mom certainly favours my sisters and their children more than me and mine. I am learning to not care so to speak.
I was feeling a bit out of sorts today but after reading all above I am now sitting here with a smile on my face so I thank you all. I know I am going to be okay. I just need to remember to be me cause no one does it better.

Thank you everyone for your responses. I did talk to my sisters about all of this, The thing is, is that I have a very sensitive soul and I don't just listen to people's words I read between the lines as well. It is hard to feel like your mother doesn't love you as much as your one sister. When I was growing up my mom would always say how smart this sister was, she never once told me I was smart. I graduated from college and even made the Dean's list. I know I am not stupid, it hurts though when your family thinks that you are not. It felt good to prove them wrong. And maybe my sister's are not bragging but it sure seems like it. The one sister with the kids that are in advanced math, she knows that my son is struggling in school so every time she mentions about her kids, it does hurt my feelings. I have a good life, I own my home, I am married to a wonderful hard working man, and I have two amazing kids. I just don't want the people who are suppose to be my number one supporters in life, hurt me.

I had to learn not to read between the lines. Your mum possibly didn't ever call you smart because she knew you were smart. Parents generally only encourage the ones who need encouragement, and unfortunately assume the ones who are competent at a thing don't need to be told. I know that sounds backwards; but I bet you do it too! It's automatic.

Try to be happy for your sister, she's clearly a battler and she's managed to get a kid in the advanced maths class. That's great. The kid's going to have a future. Meanwhile my son won first in english and works in a restaurant. My daughter topped out of maths and was in the gifted and talented class, but got sick of school, dropped out in the 6th form and is now at polytechnic learning 3d animation.

You just don't know how things are going to go. Don't worry about it. :)

Wow, I have to say I am kind of surprised by some of the responses on here to my post. I am not trying to be in competition with my sister and i am happy for her and her family. But i also work hard for my kids and I even homeschool my son and have done so for the past 2 years. I just think that people should think how their words will affect the people that they are speaking to. Perspective is reality and from my perspective it seems like bragging and to some of you it may seem like she is not. It is hard for you all to say because you don't know me or my family. When I was a child my mom, my sister, and I went to the grocery store and she bought my little sister candy and didn't even ask me if I wanted some. I was like 8 years old. I never felt so unloved in my life than I did at that moment. That was the moment that I knew my mom favored my sister over me. And it wasn't just me that noticed this my mom had a friend that would comment about how my mom babies my sister but doesn't give me the same attention. And to answer your question, No, I do not do this to my children, I tell them both how smart they are and that they can do whatever they want to in life. I don't want them to grow up feeling less than, like I did, I want way better for my children.

I know that people surely do pick favorite children, I've seen my parents do the same thing as well as other parents. It's just human nature to have favoritism I believe, if it really bothers you though you should be direct and upfront with them I believe, if you've tried that and it has not worked then you need to just speak and/or see them less unless it's necessary. You've said that you treat your children fairly and don't do the same thing, so that's really the best thing you could be doing now about it and that's what matters. I hope you weren't offended by one of the posts that I made here previously. It surely wasn't my intention. Since you didn't say any names I don't know who that was directed to.

Parents sure do have their favorite children, because they found one child cuter, has an easier personality or is otherwise more loveable than another. It is what it is. At some point, you've got to accept it, realize it's never going to change, let that hurt go, take stock of where you are NOW, as an adult, and concentrate on the love you DO have, from your husband and kids. Be grateful for what you've got. Some of us, like me, don't have a loving spouse or kids!

No worries Enigmaticloner, It wasn't really directed at anyone. I was just surprised by some reactions and it actually made me feel worse than better. But I have to tell myself that not everyone knows the whole story behind my childhood so I am the best judge of that situation. I am just venting I guess.

You do what you need to do. I am always uncomfortable around my sis and mom when they get together. My sis has always been smater than me at math, and my dad took me off the will ever sence I was diagnosed with bipolar, and I am the oldest an do my best to help my parents, but I always cant get over my parents house when they want me to be. I have my family to take care of too. I get uncomfortable when we all get together. So I try not be over my parents when my sis is there. I do what I can, and thats all I can do.