I diss agree.

What you do next depends on what you want the out come to be. It's time for you to decide whether your wife is worth sticking around for. If she really doesn't love you then let her go and move on.

But if she does love and she's just wishy washy then you should just be patient.

You might need to get her attention though. Maybe she's hopping you will fight for her. Women are complicated and some times stupid too.

I don't know all the details of your situation but it may be that he gives her attention and makes her feel special. Even if she loves you if those things are missing from her life than it may be too tempting for her to let him make up for whats missing.

But you can easily lose her for that. Over time she wont bother sticking with you if she decides he's better and she wants him.

But if its not that she may just be and asshole and a cheater. That does happen in women too don't be disillusioned.

And you're right for some reason men do get laughed at for sticking around with a cheat. It's something no one expects a man to do. I guess men aren't suppose to have feelings or love. But don't let other people effect you. They aren't you and don't know what you're going through. It's easy for people to judge and gossip about something they've never gone through or had to deal with. It's something they can't even comprehend and their own lives are so pathetic and boring that they feed off other peoples pain and suffering.

This is really about what you want. And there are no easy answers. This isn't a black and white situation you have to decide what the right thing for you to do is. Stick and be patient or give up and move on.

If you can't be satisfied then you might have a hard time getting through this. It's even harder to move on if you have unresolved issues or doubt about what the right thing to do is. If you're worried that you might have done something wrong just take it from some one who did every thing in her power to win the love of a cheater. It's nothing you did wrong nor is it something you deserve. There's never an excuse for any one to cheat man or woman. You can stay and fight but you may not win. That is the reality you're facing.

I hope that can help you decide what it is you want to do next from here out.

Good luck and I'm sorry you are going through this.

thank you very much dooknob that actually puts alot into perspective although alot of that is stuff that i didnt care to hear BUT it needed to be said and again i thank you, I just dont know which way to go because i DO love her and im scared to death of being by myself for the first time in almost a decade and actually pretty much my entire life.....My family is telling me to get away because of her and all the memories but as my gut tells me to just go another part of me is saying " no no just stay for now and wait " I just dont know which way to go.

Thank you all for the words of advice and actually caring thank you all

It's hard when your head says one thing and your heart says another.

Your family just wants whats best for you. But in the end you have to be emotionally prepared to leave and ready to leave. If you aren't then you may end up taking her back any how so just save your self the trouble until you are really ready to do it.

This is one of those complex things in life. I know that lots of people think it's so simple to just leave but it's really not. You have a lot of emotions invested in your wife. And it isn't easy to forget some one. Its not like there were never good times and once you end a relationship you start to remember the good times instead of focusing on the reason you broke things off. That can make sticking with the decision to leave hard to do.

It's been said that you mourn a break up similarly to a death. It's still a loss except in the break up things are worse since the person isn't actually dead. It makes the loss harder to accept.

Divorce is also very bloody. That's something else that you have to mentally and emotionally prepare for. The only time it's not is when both people agree to it and can make bargains in a civil manner. Other wise they are a financial and emotional drain.

There is no need to rush right now, but you may want to think about putting some distance between you and her for a short time. And by short time I mean as long as you need. You need to give your self an opportunity to think things over with out any one else's interference because it sounds like you don't know what you want to do right now. You're on that fence.

And if you really just don't have it in you to leave there is one last thing you can try. Marriage counseling.

It could go either way since some marriages are saveable but it will take a whole lot of marriage counseling to repair a trust issue like this. The trust has been long since broken and never regained or you wouldn't be having this problem any more. The relationship needs to be built up and strengthened but if she isn't interested in getting completely honest or even putting any work into it this relationship doesn't stand a chance long term. Some one will eventually get sick and leave whether it's you or her.

Even my parents finally got a divorce after 27 years. Every one thought they were just going to stay married and agree to live in misery with each other but my mother finally got sick of it and left. They had marriage counseling but because my dad wasn't really interested in strengthening the relationship it finally ended.

I do know what you are going through. I loved my ex desperately. I said I'd follow him to hell and back and I did exactly that. (long story) But eventually I saw that he wasn't saveable. I had to abandon him to save myself.

It's still a little bit painful to look back and to be honest I never loved any one before or since. But I will say this I no longer feel anything more for him than that of an old friend. If I saw him doing well and happy I would feel very happy for him and not a lick of jealousy. And if I saw him still suffering I would feel sorry for him too. But I have my own life and I'm not unhappy or bitter. That relationship taught me a lot about love and life.

sounds like you are hurt and frustrated. Hope you get some clarity and relief for this issue.

Maybe you should both get some marriage counseling.

bob I suggested that and she just said " I dont think its us as a couple, I think its you " So yeah idk, And honestly im damn near sick of even trying to make US better because as soon as things do get better it seems like she wants to shit all over the progress

I'm sorry you are going through this Sean

No one deserves it.

I think individual counseling is not a bad idea for you, but if she isn't willing to work on it, things might never change.

Maybe it is time to move on. It's not an easy decision to make and you don't have to rush. Actually calmly planning things out will be a smart move. If you do decide to leave then keep it a secret and work with a lawyer. Don't spill anything not even to family members or friends until the divorce papers are served. It gives you an advantage to have the upper hand.

But I know that might not be something you want to think about right now. That's why I said take your time and plan things. Make rash decisions can add stress.

I am in couseling i.e. therapist,psychologist,group. Im trying and just wish that she would accept that fact and not act like im not, Im willing to do anything short of going into the hospital that i can get better,Now she acts like everything is ok and that she didnt want me out ( for whatever reason she had ) When it comes right down to it i really just wanna be a happy couple that loves and will do anything for one another. But i dont think that she has it in her anymore and thats the reason why i truly think that at the very least she HAD something planned with this guy and that it just didnt work out so she didnt want me to go. But how can you prove something that both would deny? IDK

The answer is you don't need proof. I'm not sure why the cheating even matters to you, the relationship ship is broken sick and dieing either way.

Just the fact that you even had to question it is a red flag there is a issue here. I understand your feelings but this sounds like two people who don't even know why they are together. Just because you don't want to be alone. That's barely even what a relationship is suppose to be. This is your soul mate we're talking about! Both should feel 100% safe to be honest with each other. The communication should always be improving not stagnating or deteriorating like it is.

The intimacy is totally missing and that's vital to a relationship.

She's never going to be honest. She wants you to feel all the guilt and responsibility so she can go do what ever she wants. As soon as she finds some one better she'll be gone any how. It's inevitable.

What you just said you want is something you just aren't going to get with her. And it has nothing to do with you working on your self, It's her unwillingness to change anything. And her blatant failure to acknowledge there is a problem.

I know this may sound like a crappy plan especially to a guy but it's just a suggestion. Why not just stop having sex for awhile. Distance your self. If she doesn't even notice than she doesn't even care about you enough to notice the distance. She's already gone mentally if that happens.

It is a scientific fact that sex keeps emotions in place that would die a natural death other wise. Sex actually releases a chemical message in the reward center of the brain (that's why it's so addicting). And it causes an emotional attachment to form psychologically. So if you keep having sex even though you are unhappy and want to leave it will just preserve emotions you're trying to break free of.

This is true for both men and women. All though in some cases the mechanism can be broken (hence the reason we have cheaters.)

But if you stop having sex and distance your self the bond and emotions you feel will slowly start to weaken for you as well. Eventually will feel nothing and have the strength to leave on your own.

If you can't get over this hump though you will have no choice but to face it when she leaves you. It will be much harder on you if that's how it happens. And she will leave you eventually.

Now I think you know the answer deep down inside. The rest is up to you.

Change is scary and hard that's why so many people are so resistant to it. But this is one of those things, no one can change it for you, you're going to have to change it for your self.

If she isn't putting anything into this relationship, then it's time to fly the coup. There are other women who will work with you and want the same thing you want. Give one of them a chance she's had hers and she's blown it.


I'm sorry though you are having to struggle so hard with this. Every thing sounds so simple doesn't it? But what I've said is pretty much the truth.

whether a marriage is breaking down..a friendship..an terrible illness when do you walk away..I wouldnt listen to anyones advice to walk away Im sorry but I wouldnt...relationships are complex things can change..I had someone who omg we had some arguements but the bottom line was I was in trouble and they came in an helped me big time it was a shock the last person I expected to do something amazing..I would of thought they would of gloated but they didnt..my illness yes some have walked away but it was not reasons I expected they are there but in different ways..when I was battling and lost and Ive said some things acted out of character but they came back and we are stronger than ever..Im sorry but today people give in to easy..

Thx again doorknob i hated reading it but that was the hard truth and i appreciate that, I do know the answer and realize that i do have to just buck up and do what i have to do and i know that time is drawing very near...I just need the outlet that is DS thats why i keep coming back and asking questions and venting like i do and i thank you all for your continuous input.

SeanPain,

Your not stupid. You so are not! Your not an idiot either! :) Don't be so hard on yourself. You sound like a great, loving, caring, forgiving, seeing the best in people kinda guy and none of that is stupid. Those are important, valuable, wonderful qualities that you should hold onto. (((hugs)))

I have been through similar circumstances... I am sorry Sean for what your going through. This is a marriage and between you and your wife so I will not put my opinion on you... to sway you one way or another... but I will be a friend. :)

Sean, you're the type of guy I could easily be best friends with so I don't understand why ur wife treats you like shit.

Do they have some sort of deal in your therapy group where family members are invited to come? They way you can each air out any issues in a safe environment guided by a caring counselor. That way you can tell your wife that she, as your wife, is required to come for family day. If she declines then that means she doesn't love you I would say and you can decide where you want to go from there.

God Bless!

Sean, I think you are very brave to stay when you are afraid. You need to make the decision to stay or go and all too often people throw in the towel when relationships get tough. It takes a stronger person to try to work through the problems. I'm sure your family and friends are concerned with your happiness and they see you hurting so they are trying to encourage you to walk away so that you don't continue to be hurt by your wife. They are not you. They do not know the depth of your feelings for your wife and your marriage. Whatever you decide is the right thing for you just know that we are here to listen and offer advice. Remember it is only advice and is based on our personal experiences. We just want to help.