You’re absolutely correct. You should be experiencing freedom rather than the prison his drinking has created for you. Even if you don’t leave him, move on and start doing new things. When my wife started living a full life without me, I realized she doesn’t need me and i was going to be left behind. It was another nudge towards change.

Thank you

Doesn’t pose a physical threat? I don’t think I ever used that reasoning. What if you needed him. For anything? To be picked up, or help after a hospital visit. Not to mention that it’s pretty much saying he’s checking out for the night, too bad if you wanted any company. Similar to stepone this was my biggest wake up call. Seeing that my wife was lonely. Quit and haven’t looked back. She deserved better. So do you. Be as active as you can. For you.

When you say you have managed his problem, be aware that alcoholism has been called a family disease because every member is affected in a negative way. It puts alot of stress on your relationship, as you can see.

You see what the alcohol is doing to him, but look at what his drinking is doing to YOU? You need alot of support for yourself and alanon is a great place to find that support:

https://al-anon.org/

There is also another group here that may get you more replies:

https://www.dailystrength.org/group/wives-of-alcoholics

We will keep you in our thoughts and prayers.

God Bless

I encourage you to look into bob's suggestion of al-anon. you have some tough decisions ahead and the support of those also familiar with your situation could be so valuable. Yes, you've earned the right to begin enjoying your life after a long career, and perhaps your hubby and his addiction no longer fit in the picture. I encourage you to start living, regardless of what you do. You deserve it, we all do!

Thank you all for your replies. I am particularly touched by the support you have offered.
Stepone, I have been busy since I retired but not busy enough. We are caravaners and that is my worst nightmare, sitting in a tin box watching him each evening. However I enjoy the daytime and the opportunity to travel and see different places. I haven’t refused to go, because I feel that I would be cutting off my nose to spite my face. However, I’m now at a low place and I must learn to stand up for myself. I guess I’m afraid of change.
Finallyawakenow you are so right. I do all the driving after 5pm and if we go out, we go early and are home at 8 or 9, when everybody else is going out. And yes, I’m lonely, Imiss the intimacy of even just a loving hug. Your post made so much sense.
Bobinmaine and kevin105 I tried one all anon for a couple of weeks, but that group wasn’t for me. There is another meeting in a different place on a Friday evening which I must try.

My problem is lack of confidence in asserting my own right to choices. I stayed while my children grew up, and have been a victim of my own procrastination in the last 10 years. Your posts have given me strength. Thank you.

My husband is a binge drinker. He has been a very successful professional but the nightly wine is more often more than I'd prefer he drink, and the binge drinking at gatherings is out of control. He is 68 and I am 48. I am afraid he will not live to a ripe old age due to organ damage. And it is lonely and I am just afraid of having to leave, because I LOVE him. Last night he was in such a stupor he peed on the floor three times. I couldn't get him to go to the bathroom.. This was new all time low; the worst I've ever seen him. Do you talk with your husband regularly about how this makes you feel and how much worry and anxiety it causes, and that you feel you may have to leave? Have you tried ultimatums? I told him this morning I will be sleeping in the other room until he comes to me with an actual plan for moderation management therapy, behavior therapy, or 10 days at schick schadel hospital. I don't want to go to al-anon to learn to live like this.. I want HIM to change his drinking habits. Am I crazy thinking this will work?

Hi LarlZ, much of your post resonates so strongly with me. I’ve been where you are now, and my husband realised then that it was an all time low. We stepped back from the brink. However, like yours, my husband uses social occasions to binge drink and we’ve been there so many times since. Yes, we talk about it, but he can’t really see that it’s a problem. As @finallyawakenow says, he checks out for the night. And yes, I’ve threatened to leave, I sleep in the spare room more and more regularly. I so empathise with your loneliness. Sometimes my despair rocks me to the core. The problem with love is that it can be so self destructive. However, HE has to want to stop, not just you. And in my case, if alcohol stopped playing such a major role In our relationship many of our friendships would go by the wayside, because the whole slant of the social part of our marriage revolves around drink. I’ve been to a couple of Al-Anon meetings, but like you, I don’t really want to accept my life as it is and they weren’t really for me.. Maybe your ultimatum will work, however you are young with lots of life ahead of you. If you don’t leave now, do you find yourself in my position where I can’t really afford to go?
I wish you good luck.

I’m sorry ladies. When I drank I was so lonely and felt isolated from my wife. I know now that I was terrible company, although at the time it seemed ok. I would fall asleep early and alcohol makes snoring worse. So ya. She had to suffer through that too. I still can’t quite believe I got to that low place. Sobriety is gradually erasing the painful memories. I’m lucky that she didn’t leave me. As she had every right to. I am sure that if she had given me an ultimatum I would have stopped. Because, for me, I did need a major event to quit. And I care deeply for her. Just didn’t see it clearly because I didn’t care for myself. To make up for the hurt I caused, I read her to sleep every night. I want her to have my company as long as she’s up. And I exercise seriously now to be physically and mentally available. It also has pretty much cured the snoring. All this change has taken a lot of will. ALOT!! I want it every day. That’s the difference. Your husbands need to want that too. They need help to understand there is a better way to live. One where you can enjoy the time you have together. I hope they can see this before it’s too late.

I would echo stepone and bobinmaine. Please do go to Al-Anon and work out your way forward from there.

My partner poses no physical threat through his drinking either, but I've come to realise emotionally he does.

I've become quite tired of my situation over a much shorter time than your marriage. This must be extremely difficult for you after so long. The last time my partner relapsed I made a promise to myself that I would make some boundaries for myself and for him in preparation for the next time. (I knew there would be one) 2 weeks ago he bought vodka again, I have written a journal daily and refused to be codependent with him. By setting my personal boundaries, I've come to realise that there is no us if this continues and I am not afraid of that decision anymore.

Each person's boundaries will be different and I hope you spend some time for you and understand what your boundaries are and what a relationship should be like for you, it will help you gain clarity in an otherwise quite foggy situation.

It's ok to not be accepting of unacceptable behaviour and drinking 6 nights out of 7 and awkward social events, appear pretty unacceptable.

Be brave and set your boundaries and be comfortable with them. Write them down if it helps.

I wish you all the best and that things turn out how you would want them to.

Unfortunately, in our marriage I am the problem or my drinking is the problem rather. I feel like I am in control sometimes but eventually I drink way to much and become drunk and obnoxious.

Sometimes I drink by myself and sometimes at social events with friends. My wife definitely deserves better and I want to give her what she deserves but I have to admit I like to drink and I like how it makes me feel.

It has been a long time since I have gone for an extended period of time being sober. In fact, it feels a little scary thinking about not drinking for a long period of time. Especially around friends or my wife's friends whom will most certainly be drinking. It is very hard to admit to other people that I have a problem and that I rarely, almost never, drink only one beer.

I feel strong right now at this moment but that is probably because I drank yesterday, sad to admit that, but I have to be honest with myself. Correct??? Any words of wisdom or encouragement from you all would be greatly appreciated. Thank you for listening!!!

Start by admitting to yourself that you have a problem. Some people just can’t drink. Not a drop. We call ourselves alcoholics. To be reminded that this is a serious disease. And at social gatherings, drink a fancy juice spritzer. Umbrella and all. No one will even notice you aren’t getting drunk. If anything you will enjoy yourself more. I have been.

DS76 you’re right. Emotionally I’m drained and tired of it. It’s like it’s sucked out my soul. He says he likes drinking and doesn’t want any big changes in his life. All our friends are big drinkers - over the years our more moderate drinking friends have gone by the wayside, probably partially to do with my embarrassment. So distancing myself from his drinking will mean huge changes to my life, which I guess is why I have stayed so long. I know I need to change my life. I can’t go on like this. Your idea of a journal is a good one. Thank you for your kind words.
Stay_Strong - you sound just like my husband, however, by the very fact that you are on this forum suggests that you have a problem and are thinking of a change? Finallyawakenow’s words are wise.
Finallyawakenow your story is very inspirational. Thank you for your support.

You got it !!! I didn’t do AA. Quit on my own, so this site helps to remind me, well, of everything.