For sure it must be a challenging time and because I know you can't throw a brick at me I will say "This too will pass" and it will!

I respect your quality of sobriety as I see your approach in helping others here. If we never had these bad patches in life it would be too good to be true. I hope that does not come across as patronising, that is not my intention.

Just voicing my thoughts, I can get hopping mad at God sometimes too when I want things to make sense and they don't. I often want to see the bigger picture and I want things guaranteed but there is always a way forward even though I cannot see it at the time. It can be very scary.

When I get mad, rebellious or scared I have to do inventory, get it down on paper and check the balance sheet. I find spiritual discipline hard when I most need to apply it, but apply it I must. I can improve but I never will be perfect...

Do something nice for yourself too, a long walk somewhere peaceful until I am tired followed by a nice bubble bath costs nothing and can work wonders for me. Take care.

hi
Sorry you didn't land the role. Although you wanted the role, the other person did too.

My two cents is that in this day and age and the economy, it's tough especially in your situation. All I can say is "serenity prayer". It applies to everyone

I'm really sorry that you didn't get the job you wanted - perhaps it wasn't the perfect job you thought it was - perhaps it's not meant for you. Something else will come along I'm sure. But I do get that you are scared that you will not make your mortgage payment.

Why don't you do some inventory work. What's it all about that you got so angry - where did that sense of entitlement come from. It might help for you to see it all down there is black and white.

I know you didn't want to hear this but you need to be working with other alcoholics - are you sponsoring anyone right now?? We have to live by spiritual principles if we hope to continue in sobriety.

What do you mean that you 'probably' won't drink over this? Have you really lost that much faith in your HP? Pray through gritted teeth, meditate and ask for your HP to remove your anger. But my experience is that HP will not take away the anger until you are ready to let go of it.

There's a lot of work to do here but you know that you can do it!

PM me if I can help at all

Lyn

I am sorry you're in this space right now. I don't have anywhere near the time you have, so I don't feel that I have much I can offer. But I do love what Lyn said there...so bang on. the great thing (I know, there isn't any great thing in this, right?) is that there is clarity to be found in this, as annoying and frustrating this whole situation may seem to be. To be able to dig through this and find something of value, of your own truth...what a gift. I find this kind of thing out after the fact in my life, and am trying to see this point of view while I am in the midst of the muck and mire of my situation(s). I have been doing some inventory and journaling on some issues lately, and while the situations that brought about these inventories sucked at the time, I see a different picture now. I see where I was disturbed and why. i see where I can improve.

As for my HP directing my life...He is in charge because if it were up to me, who knows where I would direct it. Oh yes, I know where it would go...lol. Been there done that.

I get angry at my HP - and I let Him know it...ha ha. And that's ok. That is fine...big shoulders and all. It clears the air. Gets me back on track sometimes.

I hope you are able to see through these disappointments and find a greater thing here. Mortgages are important, obviously. I am sure that something will come up. it might just not be where you expect it to come from. who knows...I ain't the one in charge :)

Blessings,
Paul

Thank you all for your replies. You are right Antonia: I can't see a way forward, and I am terrified. I feel like I'm running out of time. Teaching is a second career choice for me. It made sense when I started out 12 years ago. Everyone encouraged me to go back to school and get my license, so I did. I was laid off from my first teaching job just before I completed my coursework and had to quit school for awhile, but I did finish two years ago. Now, even though the other teachers I work with and my students like me and think I do a great job, it may be too late to get a permanent position. It's hard to let go of things you never had, but I am coming to accept it. I just have no idea what else to do.

I totally get that the person they hired needed a job too, and I do wish them well. I am also aware that I'm not the only one who didn't get hired, and I feel compassion for the other candidates who remain unemployed. So I was very relieved and grateful when the other sub job came up and I was able to snag it. Three days later, I'm told it was a mistake, there is no job, never was, and the principal dismissed me with a wave of her hand saying, oh, it'll be fine. So yeah, furious, completely dumped for the second time this week.

I pray for guidance every morning. I have been presented with several good opportunities besides these last two over the summer, and followed up to the best of my ability, but to no avail. I know I'm not the only one going through this, but it still feels like a sick joke. Here you go, Laura, try this -- never mind, just kidding.

Have I really lost that much faith? The question broke me into tears. Yes. I'm in grave doubt. But where else can I turn? Big war between faith and fear. Good dog, bad dog, which one wins? The one that gets fed. I am gritting my teeth.

Haven't had a new sponsee in awhile, but I do arrive early and stay late at a couple of meetings a week. Inventory. Will do.

Thank you again for letting me get this out and for your thoughtful replies. Really appreciate this board..

Forgive me but really? Really?
Your daughter got her dream job and...no joy in that?
And you probably won't drink?
I've got a bit short of 2.5 years. I'm definitely not drinking today and thank you.....for reminding me of all the blessings we should count!
I've counted mine. Perhaps you should count yours and you'll see your HP at work?

Yes, Sticky, really. It sucks to be at a painfully low point in your life and be unable to actually feel the joy that is there when someone you love has their dream come true. If there is a downside to sobriety, it's that we now get to feel everything, good and bad, sometimes both at once. Things get diluted and distorted, and it messes with your serenity. That's why we talk about it. That's why I posted.

I'm glad you didn't drink. I didn't either, but it's times like this when taking a drink crosses my mind, crawls up through the tiniest hole of fear or despair and presents itself as a possibility. If I don't expose it by telling someone else it's there, it grows. We "tell" on ourselves, and talk about it, and remember why it's not a good idea. You might even experience this yourself sometime in the next 14.5 years.

Life throws us lots of curve balls, and we don't always see them coming until we get hit in the head. I have plenty of blessings to count, my sobriety among them, but I've been shaken to my foundation today and needed to vent. Thank you for your thoughts.

I understand this fully. I left teaching and got MA in media communications to get into ed publishing sales 10 years no job in ed pub sales... Just got back on disability and consider job search closed at 55yrs old I retired on $1161 monthly plus self employment as driving instructor... I guess what caught me was your title too frustrated to pray! Im not too keen on constant prayer but have seen so many answers to prayer I do believe in prayer to GOD!

Much of my problem is feeling ok not needing daily prayer

I'm so sorry. Be strong--many of life's failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up--- Thomas edison

I know people who rely on prayer when they are down or upset and yet they very rarely get their problem resolved, cause it amounts to leaving it in the hands of fate. To get a good job you study and get qualifications etc - God does not do that for you, this is YOU taking control and being proactive and responsible. Now you have come to another hurdle where being proactive and responsible is necessary again. We all face them. It is how we deal with them. People can feel sorry for you and pray for you but that does not change anything.

I'd like to think that if (and hopefully not when) my faith gets shaken down, I am free to tell on myself too and share it, and not feel like I am being wrong in my feelings or in doing so. I am with you Laura - opening up about this stuff is very important. I know that if I not in fit spiritual condition, I am probably not going to find joy in much -whether it be a few moments, a few hours or more. Not every day is unicorns and bunny rabbits for me, and while I am very, very grateful for what I have, I still have my days. Those not in recovery have crappy days too :)

I know a few long timers who have gone through shaky periods where they questioned a lot of their core beliefs. Questioned - but didn't act on any drinking notions or other sort of notions. I think it's healthy to question these things, to go deeper, to get more clarity and to strengthen what is there. At least that is how it's been described to me, and how I imagine it would unfold. I don't have the experience, so it's very helpful for me to see those with long time to go through spiritual crises and moments of questioning and being frank about it.

Thanks again, Laura!

This discussion keeps coming back to mind with me because I love the honesty in it and I was told at the start of my journey that quality of sobriety counted far more than the number of years I might chalk up without a drink. I'm friends with someone who had double figure years go back out there because she felt she could not share a struggle she somehow felt she should be "beyond" in her journey. She's back on track now thank goodness but it highlights the importance of sharing a struggle as you have done, Laura. A big lesson for me in this.

I like what Paul just said too.

On the subject of prayer and faith I understand what Samantha is saying in #10 but that's a bit "either or" for me. I know from my experience in AA that I have to put in the effort to do what I can in line with what I understand as God's will for me but I do know that God does for me what I cannot do for myself. God's will not mine and that has made all the difference, I've found that faith helps conquer fear.

Feeling better today. I've been officially taken out of the one sub spot, and may be able to fill in at a different school. It's in a fairly rough, inner-city neighborhood, so we'll see.

Samantha, I can agree with most of what you said in theory, but I'm living proof that someone with a 3.86 GPA, Dean's List, Exemplary portfolio scores, and Certificates of Excellence can still get shut out of a "good job." The more times it happens, the more exhausting it gets to be proactive and responsible. I certainly don't need anyone to feel sorry for me; just prop me up for a bit until I get my balance back. People on this board are really amazing at that. I can't say thank-you enough.

As they say, when one door closes, another one opens -- but it's hell in the hallway, and I'm afraid of the dark. Thanks everyone for bringing me some light with your encouragement.

I am so sorry Laura. I hear this teaching stuff happening to others-highly qualified, unable to get work. In fact, I just met a man who is your age and in your shoes-very similar. It will work out. I have no idea if this is REALLY true, but I like to think that things happen for a reason, and that shitty things are there for a reason too. Maybe to open the door to something you have to deal with, avoiding something awful, or keeping you available for a better opportunity. I have had a hard time, but looking back as long as I stayed positive and tried my hardest to thank god for my life, and not being dead (if that was all I could conjure up!), I was ok.o
I always go to the basics when life seems unbearable. I say to myself: Do I have my health? Do I have food/water/shelter? Are my kids ok?

Then all else I will deal with-and I suspect you have the basics too. The rest will be fine. It is ok to feel bitter-just don't stay there.

x0

a very religious(Jehovah Witness, all they do is study the Bible) coworker told me "as long as u try to do the right thing( sobriety, etc.) u will always b swimming upstream in this world. we will always b going against the current