Alcoholism Support Group
Alcoholism is the continued consumption of alcoholic beverages, even when it is negatively affecting your health, work, relationships and life. If you think alcohol is causing you to lose control, it's time to seek help. Our group is a safe place to vent, check in, get back up if you fall, and reach sobriety.
I am having one of the worst weeks ever. On Monday I was informed that after a great interview for a great teaching job that I've been working toward for 12 years, they hired someone else. A few hours later, my daughter called to say she did get her dream job, and as glad as I was for her, I could barely feel the joy for all the disappointment I had to fight back over my own situation. Hours after that, I picked up a substituting job that had the potential to go the whole school year. I started today, and was told that it was a mistake -- there was no vacancy after all. I called the sub center for two hours without getting an answer, and I can't cancel the job myself, which means I can't pick up a new one. So I have nothing.
I am alternating between furious, scared, and numb. Beyond frustrated. So pissed at this Higher Power that's supposed to be directing my life now that I can't even pray. I feel completely lost. I'm absolutely willing to work hard and do whatever it is I'm supposed to be doing, but can I at least get a hint about where I'm supposed to look? I haven't had a paycheck since June, and I don't know how my mortgage is going to get paid in two weeks.
I am 56 years old, 17 years sober. Is this it? All the platitudes and slogans and encouraging words just sound like complete BS today. I am simply paralyzed right now.
Once when I complained that I was sick of sobriety, my sponsor told me that it wasn't sobriety I hated, it was responsibility, and the all the crap that just comes with life in general. So I probably won't drink over this, but it's a good thing I have no idea how to get my hands on an ounce of weed anymore.
Lots of people have said they'll keep me in their prayers, but if this the result, maybe I should ask them to stop.
How do I proceed when I am feeling so angry and unfocused?
I am alternating between furious, scared, and numb. Beyond frustrated. So pissed at this Higher Power that's supposed to be directing my life now that I can't even pray. I feel completely lost. I'm absolutely willing to work hard and do whatever it is I'm supposed to be doing, but can I at least get a hint about where I'm supposed to look? I haven't had a paycheck since June, and I don't know how my mortgage is going to get paid in two weeks.
I am 56 years old, 17 years sober. Is this it? All the platitudes and slogans and encouraging words just sound like complete BS today. I am simply paralyzed right now.
Once when I complained that I was sick of sobriety, my sponsor told me that it wasn't sobriety I hated, it was responsibility, and the all the crap that just comes with life in general. So I probably won't drink over this, but it's a good thing I have no idea how to get my hands on an ounce of weed anymore.
Lots of people have said they'll keep me in their prayers, but if this the result, maybe I should ask them to stop.
How do I proceed when I am feeling so angry and unfocused?
First of all, thanks, drcopperhead, for the "Enliven me" video. Good to have a really short, direct prayer handy when you can't think straight. I don't quite agree with the second one about the never-ending battle...always swimming upstream. Surrender and Acceptance take care of that. I'll be writing more about that someplace else, but it was a good reminder.
I've been thinking a lot about Lyn's question, about "where that sense of entitlement" came from, and really, it was Samantha who provided the answer: "To get a good job you study and get qualifications etc - God does not do that for you, this is YOU taking control and being proactive and responsible." It's a really common attitude that if you work hard, keep your eye on the goal and your nose clean, you'll succeed. I bought it. I did all that stuff, so where's my job? I said, WHERE'S MY JOB? To add insult to injury, a lot of those same people who make it sound so simple (maybe not you, Samantha) will now try to shame me and my unemployment with labels like lazy or stupid or both, and that makes me feel all defensive and angry all over again. Very uncomfortable. It's that attitude that's wrong -- mine and theirs -- not God. So by all means, take your best shot, but remember that the only guarantee in life is that God will be there in one way or another if you ask. I had forgotten that I can be relieved of the discomfort without much changing in the circumstances. It really is an inside job.
I am back to trusting my HP, because what else is there? I do have the basics today. I'm still sore, but I think it's from banging my head against a door that won't open. Maybe not getting a full-time position is my HP's equivalent of taking sharp knives away from a kid who screams because she's still playing with them. I don't know, but I no longer need to. Acceptance is the key. Haven't quite worked up to excitement about what's to come yet, but willing to do my best, whatever it is. Appreciate your letting me work this through here. Have a good day, all!
I had a wake up call of the simplest kind a while back - just expecting life/circumstances to be fair when I'm a good girl - and it's not always so. Grrrrr....!