I'm so sorry you are going thru this...its always hard to tell people that don't understand. Don't beat yourself up. As long as your trying to get help most people will be supportive...If your unable to stop (like I was for many years)...then they look down upon us...at least they did me.

Its just a fact of the disease...don't take it personally...its a stigma that I have run across my whole life. And I think most alcoholics do. They (others) look at it as a weakness....but when I get sober they look at me like the strong one. I think it is FEAR of what will happen to you.....more than ANGER. Look at it that way when you are going thru this with your parents...that they are FEARFUL...not angry....

Do you have a plan to make this right? Thinking I had a "disease" - a term I learned in rehab - was a great cop out for me. I'm sick, don't you know? I later came to realise it doesn't really matter what I call it, I am still responsible for my actions, drunk or sober.

I hope you can do a right about turn. I found a programme of recovery invaluable.

Alcohol and cigarettes are not good by any means, but I you can not afford to support your addiction (not disease, IMO), U Need to rethink your priorities: beer or a place to stay? Smokes or a roof over your head.
A disease you can get financial help from the government (usually).
U get NOTHING for having an 'disease of alcoholism'. It's an addiction.
$1000.00 on cigarettes is a good chunk of rent money.
u will be ok if you get your finances and 'priorities together.
i hope u feel better...

My 15 year mortgage payment for a modest town house is about what your husband puts between his lips every month.

Maybe it's time to think about leaving him. Could be that you are making each other sick...

Hugs. It took guts to make this post.

I am not sure if you let your sister down or if she is upset because of what you are doing to yourself and your family. I think the person you let down is yourself.

The only good way out of this is to stop drinking.

Personally it never helped me to think of alcoholism as a disease. A disease is something outside of my control. Alcoholism is an addiction. Addictions can be hard to break, but that is something I can be responsible for.

I know you feel crappy right now. That time between knowing you should stop drinking and actually stopping can be hellish. The sooner you stop, the quicker you will be able to feel better and get your life back on track.

I don't know how much you drink, but if it is daily and if it is a lot, you might want to check into a hospital or rehab to safely detox.

You can do this, and when you do, your life will turn around for the better.

When I stopped boozing and finally got a handle on my spending I was blowing ALOT of money on my addiction. I was just borrowing from one card to another I'm still trying to dig out. I would just stick my head in the sand and delay the real world.

Go find some room and meet ppl just like you and lean on them and learn how to cope and handle life

It gets better when sobriety is a priority

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And believe me when I told my close family it was a big relief for me. I felt some shame but thing is I'm sick And the more ppl I told it set about a change in me. I don't tell Many ppl but it helps to tell on myself.
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I always called it an addiction, but a few people I've talked to, or things I've read or seen on TV say it's more than an addiction, that's it's a sickness or disease. I'm not saying that to make excuses.
I have thought about leaving my husband, so much so that about a year ago I asked him for a divorce. We were living with my parents at the time and he is not home often because he's a long haul truck driver. He ended up staying in his truck for a few nights and then we talked and decided to work on things. Maybe we are making each other sick, but we both have admitted our addictions and both want to lead healthy sober lives. I love him dearly and I want us to help each other. I don't know what may happen if I get sober and he doesn't....I may leave him, but I know he will never leave me no matter what, he's told me that many times. This is about me and my recovery. My sister blames my husband and my mom will too; not sure about my dad. My dad understands alcoholism....his dad was an alcoholic and his brother was too. They know my husband is an alcoholic so we will see. I don't drink everyday but an average of 3-5 times a week anywhere from 3-12 beers. I don't think I need detox as I've gone several days without drinking and usually just get a headache. I'm seeing my Dr tomorrow and I'm seeking counselling. I would like to attend an AA meeting and I'm scared to do so.
We have no money, and I'm tired of living like that. I totally own up to my addiction. I've let myself down and I'm so scared.
Telling my parents and asking for their help will be the hardest thing I have to do....they've done so much for me already and have put so much money into my husbands trucking business we nearly bankrupt them. How can I even ask this of them? But I'm done, I bought no beer today and I'm proud of that, I want to take back control of my life!

Dear shanbanan, as I understand it, not enough is yet known to define alcoholism. Personally I don't think it is an addiction because of what seems to be the genetic factor but I needed to find my own truth and prefer the vague term "illness" or "malady" because my thoughts and behaviour were something I could take action on. I can't change my body and it's reaction but I am still responsible for what I do.

I also got overdrawn at the bank of Mum and Dad and several others. In recovery I have repaid my debts as part of becoming healthy and okay with myself. These people I manipulated into enabling me did so out of love and concern and the guilt was dreadful. It sucked me down even further. My thinking was skewed and I was full of fear.

Breaking out of that cycle meant being prepared to do whatever it took to get well and until I was at that point I would just get sicker and hurt and alienate others more and more. I had to walk through fear to get to my first AA meeting but it was through AA that I found a way to turn my life around.

Hey Shanbanan,

I'd like to weigh in on this, if I may. In terms of the disease vs. addiction question, I think it's up to you to be the arbiter of meaning-making. I've heard both terms used by various kinds of people, some of whom have kicked it for good, and some of whom still struggle with relapses and probably always will. I think calling it a disease or an addiction is just a vehicle through which people make sense of something that they don't understand; something that makes them question their own sanity, their own intelligence, their own value and worth. But I think whichever term helps you make sense of your own experience with this toxic relationship is what you should call it.

It sounds to me like you're in the process of taking responsibility for your part in what is going on, but you have to remember to be patient with yourself and take care of yourself, just as you would if you were caring for someone with a disease. So in that way, I see a function for both of those terms.

I'm not surprised that your sister's initial reaction was the way it was, particularly given her own experience with alcohol abuse; but that doesn't mean that she won't change her perspective. There is truly no use dwelling on the way things have unfolded. There has to be a moment where you relax, take stock of the past, and leave it there so you can move forward and prove to everyone around you that people *can* change. It sounds cliche, but I believe it is the truth.

shanban....whatever it takes for you to stop and take care of you is ALL you have to think about.

They say never to make ANY BIG DECISIONS (such as leaving your husband). BABY steps..One day at a time.

You shouldn't have to make excuses here....we all know what you are going thru...you are making steps....or thinking about making steps for recovery. You can't worry about your husbands steps of recovery.

All you can do is YOU....All you can control is YOU....All you need to worry about right now is you.....Keep up the good work...keep talking...Keep trying..Don't give up. :)

I have a story to tell you ok?

I have been driving my car around town with a noise in the front end. I had no clue what it is so I don't now how to fix it. I just know it's annoying as hell and potentially pretty dangerous! But I need my car so I take my chances.

I had the problem diagnose. Bad ball joint. NOW...I now how to fix it!

You have a disease yes but it is NOT a terminal illness. It's a disease that can be controlled. It can be fixed,. like my car because you now know what the problem is. You made some other problems as a result of the drinking problems but they can be fixed also...however...it's gonna take time!

Try to focus on the positive! Let go of the negativity. It will hold you back and slow down your recovery.

If you're interested, go to an AA meeting. I highly recommend it for both you and your husband. The 12 steps of AA saved my life and gave me a happiness, I never thought possible! Best of all, it's free and there are meetings at convenient hours. You will find alot of support there and meet people just like yourself that can help you overcome the hurdles of early sobriety.

Remember always that there are many people here willing to help but you can't be afraid to ask.

God Bless!

My two cents, regarding your parents and them "helping" you out.

If you REALLY want to get better, you can't deny your addiction/illness/disease whatever you want to call it. AND that also means facing up to the consequences of your poor choices...

Don't let them bail you out of this. You made the mess. You have to clean it up. When you do, you'll earn back your self respect.

I say that in the most loving way possible.

Hugs.

Precisely why I love this forum - you get answers in all shapes and forms.

I don't know why I didn't come here sooner.

Such great advice everyone. Thank you Lemon for your thoughtful opinion and advice, and Bob, thank you again. I'm still in the negative. It's hard to think positive when I'm in financial distress. I know it can be fixed, I'm not permanently broken, just trying to look at the positive even though I know I can turn everything around.
Deli, I'm telling my parents....I don't want to ask them to bail me out but I don't know what else to do. I can't pay the rent, and I've got 2 overdue bills. I've never not paid the rent before and maybe I can talk to my landlord about postponing our check, but I know he's depositing it tomorrow and if I can't come up with more money it will bounce. Postponing the rent just puts a hold on the other bills too. Yes, I know that's my mess and my doing, but I know my parents don't want to see my husband and I get evicted. I have full intentions of paying them back. Back in October we owed them $900. It took until last month (5months) but that debt is paid off now. And all I've done is drink away money....($240-360) ish per month. Put aside what I spent on booze and they can be paid back in 4 months or less. Ya it sucks, and I don't want them to bail me out but I'm at a loss of what to do otherwise.
Anyway, I am checking out AA and will attend a meeting this week. Hubby is away at work but I'm hoping he'll come with me to a meeting when he's home mid may. I'm completely committed and day 2 sober :)
I feel a bit of a weight lifted telling my sister and honestly feel she's now looking out for me and while I don't want her too, it helps me stay true to my recovery.
Love u all for supporting me