Don't punish yourself! You said the right things. You did nothing wrong!

I remember when I was in treatment. The counselor told us. "we can throw everything at you but the kitchen sink. The rest is up to you!" I had to learn to use the tools I was taught if I wanted a chance at staying sober.

When my wife asked me to make a decision. Either the bottle or her, I chose the bottle and she quickly kicked me out of my own home. Long story short, the police were involved and I was given the choice of jail or detox. It was an easy choice to make. I, too, had stopped going to AA meetings thinking I didn't need them anymore. That was a mistake.

I remember having everything taken away from me while locked up in detox and it was rough. I couldn't even have caffeinated coffee! On the 3rd day there, I was told there would be an AA meeting in the evening so I jumped at the chance of going because it was a way to get my caffeine fix. When I got there I sat in the back and I noticed my AA sponsor was chairing this particular meeting. I hoped he wouldn't see me but when it was over, he was between me and the door. The only thing he said to me was, "Have you had enough yet?" and I told him yes, I have had enough. I am ready to make sobriety a lifelong commitment. That was the first day of the rest of my life.
From that point on, I did everything and anything it took to stay sober. I went to meetings, went through outpatient treatment and went to 3 months of group counseling after the IOP. Then I continued to go to AA meetings. It took all of that to keep me sober for 10 plus years. I have a great life now and I have never been happier, and although we are divorced now, we are like best friends who support one another through all of life's many challenges. So it all worked out for us both!

You see what your husband's drinking is doing to him but look at what his addiction is doing to YOU!

You need alot of support for yourself and alanon is a great place to find that support.

https://al-anon.org/

Also "wives of alcoholics" group is very active and may be of some help to you as well:

https://www.dailystrength.org/group/wives-of-alcoholics

We will keep you and your family in our thoughts and prayers.

God Bless

Thank you bobinmaine, for sharing your insight and experience.

That’s a tough spot to be in. Looking back at what I put my wife through is so sad. I just wasn’t available to her on so many levels. She thanked me today for changing our marriage as I have been a year sober. I wanted to better myself. I committed to it. And am now focusing on my spiritual and emotional (mental) health. It’s all connected. If he can’t figure it out you need to take care of yourself. FIRST!!! Just like he needs to help himself. Noone can do it for us. If Budda, Jesus, and all the saints were around him he would still need to make the choice for himself.

Until the pain of drinking is too great, the alcoholic will drink. You need to make him clean up after himself, do his own around the house, and don’t enable. It’s a nasty disease and we are a selfish bunch. The alcoholic has to hit a bottom that’s so bad they finally decide to get busy and get sober. Don’t pad their fall
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You can never be cured to drink again by attending AA meetings. They don’t heal people. Now you know. He’s known and has lied to you and broken enough promises. It’s good to see you take action. Don’t feel stupid.

I'm no expert but also know there's a support group called ALANON. Can you find a local meeting?

I have heard the recovery includes patterns of going back to using the alcohol or drug again before becoming sober again. Its not abnormal to get sober and then use again. Al Anon will help you understand the disease and change your perspective. You are not an idiot and you did nothing wrong. Maybe you had some magical thinking but haven't we all? Becoming educated about substance abuse could help you. It might be that you have to make some hard decisions and know that his demons are his demons and you can't fix him, change him, or cure him. Sometimes the damage is done within the marriage and we must make decisions that put ourselves first. That might mean staying or going. What I did was give it six months and decide to just wait and see. Then I gave it a year, and then about four months till goodbye. Kept giving second, third, fourth chances. But all the while, I went to Al Anon and just soaked information in to help me recover from the trauma and pain and to learn to rethink my own demons and patterns of behavior. You are not doing anything that millions of other spouses haven't done. Its a process.

I went through many years of my husband drinking. When things got really bad I went to Alanon, and took courses and made sure that I had a good job, I had to do whatever was for the best for myself and my daughters Mine is a long long story. We were married for 43yrs., my husband was sober when we married started to drink lightly after a year or two. Then his drinking got to the point he was diagnosed with chrosis of the liver. He quit for 10 years and when I got sick with a non curable rare disease which 20 percent die within a year he just could not take the stress. He started to drink again. Within a few years I had cancer and when we were driving home after my surgery, I said to my husband either quit drinking or drop me off at a motel because we are finished. He quit drinking. for a few years again. Then at age 55 he retired and I glad he did because he passed away at 63 from liver cancer. Before he died he cursed booze wished he had given up drinking many years earlier. He worked for 37 yrs I did for 27 yrs we were at point now to enjoy life together only problem I had several autoimmune illnesses I believe mainly because of all the stress of living with a drinker, and he died from cancer of the liver and it was because of alcohol Life is short, enjoy everyday of it. But take care of yourself, being widowed at 60 is horrible and I blame the alcohol for me being a lonely widow now.

I feel your pain. I believe the spouse suffers more than the alcoholic. It’s hard to live a life like that. I’m sure you dream of a life without all of the mess you deal with. I wish I had some words of wisdom for you, but I’m in the same situation. All I ever think about is leaving, but I don’t. Just remember, we only live one life. Make it your best...figure out how not to dull your shine.