Alcoholism Support Group

Alcoholism is the continued consumption of alcoholic beverages, even when it is negatively affecting your health, work, relationships and life. If you think alcohol is causing you to lose control, it's time to seek help. Our group is a safe place to vent, check in, get back up if you fall, and reach sobriety.

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Sponsor relapsed

Taradactyl
Taradactyl
She was 3 weeks short of 2 yrs sober. I hate this. I needed a new sponsor anyway. Now I have one. I miss B. I don't know much of her story, like what it's like for her to drink. I just know what it was like for me, and it breaks my heart to imagine that she is hurting and alone.

My new sponsor and everyone who knows B is telling me to NOT respond to or contact her. I just want to say "Merry Christmas" or "I love you" or "Come back" or freakin somethin to let her know I care. She has been texting me encouragement and I'm sorrys and I can't reply. She's drinking. She is a risk to my sobriety.

She has a little girl, 2 yrs old, and a husband who really doesn't get it. This relapse was a long time coming. Her sponsor dumped her a few weeks ago. I tried to help her. I just postponed what seemed inevitable. She wasn't being honest. I thought I could get through to her. It wasn't my place or my job.

Funny thing... I wish I could see a drunk post from her so I know she is still breathing.
Community Leaderbobinmaine
bobinmaine
You shouldn't even be a sponser unless you have a minimum of 5 years sobriety!

She is a trigger now so try to find another sponser a little more qualified!

Good Luck!
gr8ful2b
gr8ful2b
Sorry your ex-sponsor relapsed. Although I wouldn't advise someone at your stage of sobriety to visit this lady while she's drinking, why would your new sponsor tell you to not contact her in any way, such as a phone call?
PJ54
PJ54
No harm in sending her a text to tell her that you are there for her whenever she stops drinking. However, you cannot fix her or make her quit.

The best way that you can help her is to work with your new sponsor and make progress. That type of action and example is worth a whole lot of words.
billwfriend
billwfriend
If she is threat to your sobriety that is enough to not contact her....you know she is breathing if she texts you right?
CarlaBent
CarlaBent
How sad!!! I hope that she got a 'Merry Christmas' from someone at AA.
And I'm sorry that you lost your sponsor, but am glad that you have a new one!!!! I hope that makes up for any threat to your sobriety!!! (((((Hugs)))))
Taradactyl
Taradactyl
Gr8... She was very manipulative specifically with me. I think any contact to her will just allow her to stay in a place where she thinks affection should be enough to keep her going. Hard to explain, but she is very sick. Lots of people care about her but she wasn't being honest in her interactions. What do I know, but I think she needs to hit a hard bottom where she can find some humility and honesty. I agree with what I am being told, ie not to contact her. When she is ready to ask for help, she will, from people with good long sobriety that can help her. I am not that person, at least not right now. It's just sad to me.
gr8ful2b
gr8ful2b
oh, ok. I was going by what you typed when you spoke of not being able to say "Merry Christmas, etc., etc., etc.

I wholeheartedly agree with you that stronger sober women need to be the ones to help her. You will be one in the not so far future but for now, I'm glad you're sticking to your new sponsor (& taking care of numero uno!).
deleted_user
deleted_user
better her than you.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Weird to be on the other side, eh? I understand your feelings of wanting to know if she is alive or dead-but that is actually selfish of you. You are enabling her behavior. Her consequences of her drinking naturally include her sponsee, with whom she was not responsible with (your words sorta) do not contact her when she is relapsed. Plain and simple.

This is painful stuff, I know. But you have to stay firm. Plus, this is what your new sponsor instructed you to do, correct? Well, you cannot be half assed about this. If you are going to go this route-you need to follow her directions to a T.

Just pray for B, it is truly the best thing you can do for her right now.
deleted_user
deleted_user
If that sounded cold-it is not meant to be. some of the most loving people in my life cut me off when I was drinking, and welcomed me with open arms when I was in recovery.

Now I know I cannot ever go back to drinking if I want their friendship and support. Having no one there sucked. Hell if I am going to risk that by relapsing in and of itself!
deleted_user
deleted_user
I don't see any harm in texting her. Its not like she's gonna reach thru the keyboard and hold you down while pouring alcohol down your throat.
In fact its kind of rude that you arent texting her back at all.= just MY opinion.
I had a sponsor get drunk when she had 12 years. I had about 3 at the time. I didnt ditch her completely - i did get a new sponsor.
My sponsor who got drunk was the one, in fact, who taught me that dealing with this disease might call for unconditional love..
deleted_user
deleted_user
Her sponsor instructed her to NOT do this wackadoo.

Also, this is a triggering thing for her-she NEEDs to have boundaries for her own health.

It is not rude to not respond imo Anna. Regular rules of etiquette do not apply-this is life and death here.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I agree with KK and admire you for taking this in a good spirit and getting a new sponsor right away...good job HTL!! Funny, in our group once your a year sober and have done the steps you are "qualified" to be a sponsor. I am such a long way away from getting the steps "done" I don't think I'll ever raise my hand to sponsor!! I'm perfectly willing to wait 5 years :)
Taradactyl
Taradactyl
Hard to explain the situation and why I should not reply... I am not really a close friend of hers. I have only known her for a few months. She has lots of people available to her if she wants help and love. I think she is reaching out to me partly because I have been a help to her in the past and sadly because I have been gullible with regard to her manipulative tactics. If I get sucked into a dialog with her it might be a risk to my sobriety. I think I am impervious to a lot but if I get hurt I don't always have the coping mechs to deal. It's not worth the risk. I do want to reply but it would not be the best decision.
Taradactyl
Taradactyl
I know this update will get buried, but wanted to add it...

I got a crapton of txts from B begging for my understanding, forgiveness, and affection. Shit proceeded to hit the fan as expected. I kept my sponsor and grand sponsor in the loop. All I am doing is feeding a fucking monster but you know me... I gotta try to help.

Apparently all I had to say was "Are you sober?" to make her get real quiet real fast.

Sucks.
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