The deal is thus... As long as my wife was telling me what I should do I kept drinking. The only way that I was able to get off the booze was because I wanted to. Personally I suggest to stop the attempts to get him into a rehab. Its like trying to push a racehorse into the start gate. You just keep getting kicked and nothing ever ends.

Make the pain so great that the addict decides to seek help on their own. I would suggest leaving. Only when he realizes you are not going to take it will things change.

I used to be that guy. I found a way to get sober and stay sober by attending daily meetings and working with others. I am a selfish b'stard down deep and it takes effort to get outside myself. It is possible but the only way was my wife made the pain so great i deciced I was done.

Dont clean up after him, dont help him cover things, dont put up with this. You deserve to be happy and for the alcoholic the only thing they see is themselves. selfish to the core.

Push back and stand up for yourself

1is2many

1is2many I'm planning to leave if he doesn't go to rehab. He's in so deep he can't see joy being a possibility.

https://www.dailystrength.org/group/wives-of-alcoholics

Is a group of others that find strength together.

Know this... you have helped me today. I don’t want to go back to the way I was. I pray for you and your husband. I pray for him to find just a ray of hope.

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My intervention (well sort of) came on the day when I was suppose to be watching dinner. I past out from drinking a bottle of ......I can't even remember what it was now. My wife came home and saw smoke everywhere and that was her last straw. She called the police to get me out when I refused to leave. Instead of jail, I was taken to the emergency room where I was promptly placed in detox. Had I not had a police escort, they never would have admitted me because I was too drunk. I had intravenous fluids to dilute the alcohol in my blood so that I could be admitted.

Looking back, that was the best thing that ever happened to me because I clearly got the help I needed. Having had a thorough physical exam while in detox plus a comprehensive mental evaluation, the doctor knew exactly what triggered my addictions.

I was in detox for 4 days. After detox, I was referred to an IOP (Intensive Outpatient Program). Every major hospital in the USA has them! This was 5 hours a day for 3 weeks and I took the evening class so I could continue working my day job.

After the IOP, I was refered to more relapse prevention, group counseling which was once a week for 3 months, where I learned what my triggers were and how to handle them.

Throughout all the treatment I had, regular attendance at AA meetings were mandatory. I had some worry over money issues and weather my wife would divorce me or not and many other problems but I had surrendered. I put control of my life in the Hands of my Higher Power and everything seemed to work out. I remember my first AA meeting, I had told one of the older persons all my problems and his reply to me was "Don't worry about any of that stuff! All you have to worry about is staying sober! That's ALL you have to do!" I took his advice and I never forgot it because everything seemed to change for the better and I heard similar stories at AA meetings. It was like, an unknown force was manipulating the pieces of the puzzle of my life and placing them exactly where they needed to go!

I am reminded of Promise number 12 of the AA 12 Promises which states," We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves." My relationships improved, I had money coming from sources I never expected, My life improved exponentially!

The last thing I want to say is that my employer knew I was in treatment and was very supportive. Most business owners are, as long as you are getting the necessary help because they know that, statistically, those in recovery, are much better workers!

So I hope my experience gives you some relief. I hope he takes the help offered and I wouldn't worry about paying. Things seem to have a way of working themselves out as you can see. We will keep you in our thoughts and prayers. Good Luck with the intervention. I hope it works. Keep us posted.

God Bless

It sounds like you have a plan and are determined. I’m fortunate not to go to rehab. My drinking wasn’t that bad. But it was bad enough. I never hid alcohol but I always pre-partied, and was a vomiter, and most definitely told my wife to fuck off.

I had to surrender for my kids. I’m lucky to not to have lost a job because of being drunk, but I would say my career took a hit because of my alcoholism.

Is he open to a program AA or Smart Recovery? It’s a way that could help him keep his job while he got help.

Also if he’s sick, I don’t think he could be fired. But maybe rehab is absolutely it.

Update:
We have located room for him at a local rehab in our state. His best friend and mother are flying in to take part in the intervention this upcoming weekend. Friday night I returned home at 7pm ready to gather my family for a fun event at a friend's house just to discover my AH was fully clothed with snow coat and boots on and laying in bed in the dark.....the scent of the room hit me before I could lay eyes on him. It was immediately clear he was wasted. My heart was breaking. I asked him why he is drinking so much and doing this to himself. His response was "because it's the only fucking thing that makes me happy". I was terrified that the kids may have heard him say that but luckily they were in another part of the house.

I received a Christmas card from him today telling me how hard it is for him to tell me nice things about myself and how he loves me but has a difficult time telling me. He apologized for making me sad, hurt, frustrated, angry and thanked me for supporting him. After 15 years of the same shit it all feels empty, no substance behind his words. He's done so much lying in the past year that I cannot decipher truth and lies. Praying he agrees to rehab and he along with our beautiful family can begin to heal. Thank you all for giving me the space to share my store, fears and hopes. God Bless

PS- I'm afraid of what life will be like after he returns from rehab....will he still want his family? me? the life we have created?

Your story is typical of how alcoholism tears families apart. As difficult as it seems, try to be positive and you never know, things may work out.

I remember when I first began going to AA meetings. I would go, just to satisfy family but I had no intention of working the steps, however I did get a sponsor who helped keep me sober for about a month. Then I went on a huge binge. Long story short, I ended up in detox where everything, including caffeine was taken away from from me. On the third day of detox, I learned, there would be an AA meeting on the same floor as I was on and we would be allowed to attend. I knew they would have caffeinated coffee so I went and sat in the back hoping nobody would notice me but who comes in but my AA sponser. I sank in my chair, I was so ashamed and when the meeting was over, I was hoping I could sneak out but he was between me and the door so I had no other option then to stop and face him. I will never forget the words he spoke, "Have you had enough yet?" I said yes, I have had enough!" That was the beginning of the rest of my life. We spoke alot more in the following days as I went through the IOP and attended more AA meetings. That was 10 years ago. Today I have a great life.

It sounds like your husband hasn't had enough yet so hopefully, the intervention will create the "low" that will motivate him to accept the help offered.

Let us know how it goes. We will keep you in our thoughts and prayers.

God Bless

Good for you for all you are doing for him, for you, and for your children. it will work out. He might not stay sober, you might get divorced, but from what you've written I think you will be okay and so will your kids. You are a good mom and a good wife, even if that means you end up leaving him.

Thank you to everyone who has been reading my posts and commenting. I posted in this group because I wanted to hear from alcoholics on their perspective.

Tonight i'm feeling excited. This past week as we began putting our plan in motion I was carrying a lump around in my stomach and not sleeping at night due to the secret I am keeping from my spouse. I now understand why he is not a good sleeper and constantly plagued by night sweats..... he is carrying so much fear, shame and secrets!!!

His mom came in today and I have her hidden in a hotel nearby. His best friend of 35 years flies in tomorrow and we will all meet with our interventionist to run through how everything will go. I'm sure there will be lots of tears during the "rehearsal" and we will all be nervous but also excited about the possibilities!!!!

I'm planning to make him his favorite dinner tomorrow night and have a good cuddle with him and kids before I pull the rug out from under him Sat morning. It's been challenging to plan for all scenarios....secretly packing bags for me and kids to move out should he choose not to go, discretely packing his bag for Rehab and hiding all the paperwork and notes in the lining of my Winter jacket!!!!!

I will update at some point after the intervention. I am going to share my letter to my AH in this group so the addict can get an insight into how the addiction affects the entire family.

Peace, Prayers, Love and Courage to each and every one of you.

Good luck to you!

Prayers for you. You are brave and strong for doing this. It shows your love for him and your children.

Update: I am overjoyed to report that my AH decided to take our offer and enter a minimum of 30 day treatment program. I wanted to share with you the letter I wrote for the intervention in the hope it may give someone reading it the courage to do as I have or the insight to understand what your family goes through when you have this disease.

My dear AH

I remember feeling like the most special girl in the Universe when you picked me. Here was this charming, handsome, successful, ethical hard working family driven man and he wanted me!!!! I couldn't get enough of your smell, your taste, your touch, your strong and capable arms wrapped around me in a gesture of pride, safety and comfort. You were my Prince and I your Lady.

The character traits I fell in love with are still evident in you today and make me so proud to call you my husband....Your sense of humor and the ability to make me laugh over the corniest of things, your loyalty and tender hearted nature has endeared you to all who know you. You have always been such a trustworthy and ethical man of strong character who reinforced my belief that it's important to do the right thing always. Watching you take pride in your work and having such a strong work ethic is something about you I have always admired and bragged about. People remark to me all the time on what a thoughtful, open minded, humble and great dancer you are!!!! I loved the times you would put on a record and wrap me in your arms and dance with me around the house, it was corny but it made me feel special.

You and the family we have created are precious to me. I have a deep love for you that time has only intensified. You are more important to me than you even realize. I want you to be happy and healthy not only for our family but for you!
When you are sober and not using pot or alcohol I feel safe, loved, optimistic, like we can accomplish anything by each other's side. When you "temper" the amount or the frequency of smoking and drinking I can trick myself into thinking we will be okay and things will change, that you will change. I allow myself to relax and make plans for the future, shining my love on you and our family. But the calm never lasts.
Seeing you come home every night for the past few years with stress and anxiety written all over your face and watching you practically run to the bedroom for some alone time to smoke some pot and relax hurts me each time. It feels as if the kids and I are a burden, that you need a release from the life you have. Watching you struggle during short spurts of time, trying not to drink or smoke, has been hard for me because I’ve known you are in pain and it’s been manifesting in the way you demonstrate your lack of patience with me and the kids. I would think to myself, just get through this week because he's purging everything from his body and he is not himself...things will be better after this week. The truth is, things are not getting better. They are deteriorating to a point where I am concerned for the safety of our children and me, your safety, and the safety of others.

I know alcoholism has a long and comfortable history in both our families. This is not something of your choosing, just as a person with cancer does not choose that path. It is not a willpower issue, you have some of the strongest willpower I have witnessed in so many other non-alcohol related situations. Alcoholism and addiction requires professional treatment just like any other disease.

Over the past nearly 15 years together a long list of alcohol related events have left me scared, feeling unsafe, unsure of our future together and afraid for our children who see their father in those predicaments. Last Spring when a binge put you in a state where you were unable to communicate with me and just held yourself naked on the floor rocking back and forth while I reassured the children you were just sick, I felt helpless and afraid.

The Summer was peppered with equal moments of optimism and despair which I’ve come to learn is typical of escalating alcoholism. For so many years I thought if I loved you hard enough or tried really super hard to be who you wanted me to be I could influence change in you.

Attending your work party recently, I was excited for you to showcase your charismatic personality and charming demeanor with your new company, only to have it snuffed out by your drinking too much and getting stoned. Your behavior was reckless. It made me ashamed because it is not a true testament of the real you. I also felt afraid for your job security. When you told me to Fuck Off in front of a crowd of people, something that has happened more than once in recent times, I was hurt and embarrassed. I felt inferior and wanted to escape alone and cry but I felt guilty at the thought of leaving you in your state. That night I felt so insignificant to you, so depressed, so helpless...I felt like i was being pulled down into a dark abyss of hopelessness.

I know you have been hiding your drinking from me for the last 18 months, maybe longer. I have discovered beer/vodka/whiskey hidden in recesses of the garage, your car, your dresser. It’s clear to me that your drinking is out of control, that you are in great pain and see drinking and smoking pot as the only answer.

I have learned that you are sick with a disease and not a bad or weak-willed person. I am no longer going to allow myself to believe the problem is that I am not loving you hard enough. The solution requires that we all participate in the recovery process. I am pledging to do my part.

My love, I’m asking you to do your part too. We’ve taken the time to find the best program for you. Will you accept the help we are offering you today?

I know how much you love your family and your family loves you. The disease of addiction is not of your choosing. I love you, need you and want you back. I know you can do this and believe in you.

Your loving wife

Powerful and congratulations. Hopefully your life will be better than ever after 30
Days.

So much pain and heartache. My AH would try the short term rehabs and he would only be sober for 30 days or so. Two mos. ago he entered a 6 month program with the Salvation Army. I do not know if we will have a life together after the 6 mos. I have also pulled away through the hurt and pain of this process. What I do know is that I deserve more than what I have been living.
Good Luck to You.

great luck and I will say a prayer for him and you
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