Hi there,

Length of time for the steps varies. I took a long time but it didn't do me any good as I kept relapsing. When I finally did the steps properly it took me a few months. Now I try and take people I sponsor through in about 3 months but it does vary depending on the person. A lot depends on willingness as I dont see it as my job to kick someone's ass for not getting on with stuff so if they don't do it then it will take longer.

I dont know which step was really the hardest for me. At the time step 3 and step 4 felt really difficult but looking back on it now I can see that it wasnt the step that was difficult it was my fear and resistance that made it difficult. The steps are simple but not easy but being willing, honest and thorough really helps. For me the simplest way to do the steps, which makes them as easy as they can be is to follow the instructions in the big book. The book tells us why we need to do each step, what we need to do, and what the results will be. Knowing what we are doing and why makes each step less difficult and scary in my opinion.

Amends - varies according to the amend. When you get to that point your sponsor should go through each amend with you and talk about the most appropriate way to make it.

In my opinon, whether you start the steps again when you relapse depends on the circumstances. Sometimes it is appropriate to go back to the beginning, sometimes not.

Hope this helps with your questions, if not Pm me and I will be happy to help.

Nicky :-)

When I was about two years sober I was at a large step 2 meeting on one of my then frequent visits to another state. I was still quite confused about what this step meant. Was I supposed to decide what my HP was so specifically so that I could describe it to others? Was he right-handed, blue-eyed and spoke Italian, or was she something invisible and unspecifiable, more like the Tao? I didn't know and I assumed I was expected to know.

Anyway, there were about thirty people at that meeting and we shared in turn around the table. I should add that in that particular town, step 3 is when you announce to your home group that you've got a therapist. So around we went. Most talked about their therapists. One lady said she'd gone back to the church she was brought up in. One guy shared that he had just gotten a new Beamer, adding, "But I don't think that's very spiritual."

With only a few minutes left, it came down to the last two to share, me and a lady named Fran B. For once I cut myself short, because I knew that Fran had been sober for 41 years, longer than about a quarter of the people in that room had been alive, and I really wanted to hear what she had to say. I decided that whatever Fran had to say about step 2 would settle it for me once and for all. As I saw it, if she didn't have the answer, nobody did.

As usual, a respectful silence descended on the room when Fran's turn came. "My name is Fran and I'm an alcoholic," she said. "And I'd like to pass this morning. I'm still working on step 2."

Thank you Nicky..I will pm you :-)

Took me about 6 weeks all up. I found Step 4 was the wall for me. Only the first half and that was because I was being a little selective and dishonest. Once I finally stopped using correction fluid, and dug deep, my pen runneth out of ink lol. At the end of this step, I knew I might just make it in this gig.

Amends I did to who I could at the time, and it included both face to face, and letters. There were more amends to make later. Couldn't do it all in the first hit, just as much as I could at the time. I havn't relapsed Euro. I grabbed not just the 12 steps, but any resource that was placed in my path. Good question for the AA sub-groups too. :}

I took the Steps exactly as set out in the Big Book and it it took me three weeks of intensive work.

Step 4 was the hardest for me because I had a lot of self-pity.

Amends were amazing - that is when I had my real spiritual awakening.

Thank you guys it help a lot to hear your experience.

It's different for everybody, I know people who have a year of sobriety and are still on step 4. And the people I know with the longest periods of sobriety all say you don't do the steps just once, you keep doing them over and over. The only one you have to get exactly right is step 1, the rest you need to revisit from time to time.

But there's no timeline, each step takes as long as it takes to complete sincerely. It's better to do it right than do it quickly.

Hello Euro,

There is no good reason to drag out doing the steps they were done in one day by some of the first people in Alcoholics Anonymous. Neither is it a good idea to rush through them just for the sake of having them done. As with everything, finding the right balance for you is the important thing. With the benefit of hindsight, I can see that I made plenty of mistakes and that I did not always fully understand what I was doing; although I thought that I did at the time. This is ok as it is not about perfection, only doing it to the best of your ability. Better understanding comes with time, but we have to guard against thinking that we have learned it all it is a lifetime journey of learning.

My experience, for what its worth is as follows. I did Steps 1, 2 and 3 in one session with my sponsor. It helped a lot that he has many years of sobriety and an excellent knowledge of the programme. One of the things that I found most helpful was a set of DVDs, The Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous by Joe McQuany (of Joe and Charlie fame). My sponsor got me to write down my understanding of the first three steps before continuing and that forced me to think about it and to get it into my head.

Step 4 took a little longer, probably several weeks but looking back now, I realize that it could have been done quicker. One session with the sponsor dealt with resentments, one with fears and one with sexual conduct and harm done to others.

Steps 5, 6 and 7 were done with a clergyman and took about three hours. It was a major error to lump these three steps together but I could not see that until later. In my experience, Step 5 should be done on its own and indeed, it can take more than one session for some people. It is important to take a short break after 5 and to go over what you have done so far. The Big Book tells us to spend an hour in a quiet place. I would take a week before moving on to 6 and 7. These two steps are the shortest in the Big Book and their importance can often be overlooked. To me, Steps 6 and 7 are central to what we are trying to achieve in the programme, a spiritual awakening or physic change. They can be done in a short time but their importance cannot be overemphasised.

You ask which step was the hardest. With the knowledge that I had at the time, Step 9 was the hardest for me. However, I now believe that none of the steps would be hard to do if I have a proper understanding of Step 3. I tried to do them using my will, having missed the point that I had made a decision in Step 3 to hand over my will to God. It is by doing the rest of the steps that we carry out that decision and it is by relying on Gods will that each step becomes very easy to do. It is important to constantly refer back to that decision that we made in Step 3. If you do that, there are no hard steps.

Moving on to Step 8, it is really a very simple step to do. You should have a list from Step 4 of people that you had a resentment against. Having come this far, you will have learned that the resentment was caused by some character defects within you rather than just the other persons faults. Many of these people will be owed an amend and you can now transfer their names to your Step 8 list. There will be others whose names did not feature in Step 4.

A good approach for Step 8 is to get a sheet of paper and to divide it into four columns. At the top of the first column, write Now. In this column, write the names of people that you would find easy to approach to make amends to, for example parents or grandparents. At the top of the second column, write Later. In this column, write names of people who would be a little more difficult to approach but who you will do as soon as an opportunity arises. At the top of column 3, Maybe. In this third column, write the names of people who you would find difficult to approach but maybe, some day you will feel that the time is right. At the top of the last column, write Never. In this column, write the names of people you feel that you could never approach.

Start off with the easy ones, in the Now column. When you have taken care of those, you will find that some of the names in the Later column now look a bit more approachable and you can do some of those. After that, you might find some of the Maybe names look easier. Finally, one day you may wake up and feel that some name on the Never list is approachable today.

For the purpose of Step 8, all you need is to make a list and be WILLING to make amends. Whenever possible, I believe that it is better to talk to the person. We should swallow our pride and be humble when doing Step 9. However, it may not always be possible or advisable to approach some people directly. In this case, writing a letter is a good alternative. Some of the people we have harmed may have passed on and writing a letter to such a person is a good way to deal with it. You can destroy the letter after you have written it.

There may be people on your amends list that you will not get a chance to communicate with for many years or perhaps never. You can pray for such people and ask God to give to them those good things that you would wish for yourself. Likewise for people who you cannot safely approach.

In Step 10, you will learn to ask for guidance from the God of your understanding each day and to constantly review your deeds and thoughts. Step 11 is about establishing a closer contact with your God through prayer and meditation talking to God and listening for answers. Remember that in Step 2, we came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. Now, if you have done the suggested things, sanity will have been restored. It is now that God hands back our will to us we are now capable of using it as God intended.

Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs. The Big Book tells us that we will get a spiritual awakening as THE result of these steps. If we get this spiritual awakening, something will have changed inside. We will no longer be bothered by alcohol, as long as we practice these principles in all our affairs.

If you slip, get up and try again. Examine carefully where you have gone wrong and learn from your mistake. God forgives us so who are we to say that we cannot forgive ourselves.

Great post PJ54 - thanks :-)

hey europa-I'm not exactly sure how long the steps took me! How crazy is that? I just have an awful memory and I did them at a pace that worked for me and my sponsor. When we felt I had grasped 1, we moved on to 2 etc. I wanted to be very thorough....

I think that if I relapsed now after 14 months sober, I would need to go back to step 1 because I obviously hadn't fully grasped the fact that I am powerless and my life was unmanageable. But that's just my opinion on myself, know what I mean jellybean? :)

I didn't send any letters, I made my amends in person and it was very difficult, but still step 4 was the hardest for me because I felt like the scum of the earth dredging up all that gunk. But I thank God every day that I made the decision to do the steps because it has truly changed my entire outlook on life....for the better! :)

Good luck to ya lady. :)

About 10 weeks for me. Step 9 was the most difficult, but I found it very rewarding/ humbling as well.

If I relapse? Who knows. Might never make it back at all. With that in mind, I'll work 10,11 & 12 everyday.

The first time through was about 8 months. I still have a f2f amend to make, and that will come.
Today I work with a group that puts on a monthly "Back to Basics" (by Wally P - http://www.aabacktobasics.org/ ) meeting where all twelve steps are done in 4 sessions. We act as temporary sponsors and sharing partners in addition to running the meeting. We do the steps with the people each time. No, it doesn't get old or jaded. And it really is something when they get it...

The steps are the programe, and without doing them you only deprive yourself of recovery. Lots of people have have plenty to say about them, and how they did them. I stick to what the book says. Many of us complicate the hell out of doing them. People say you need time before you do them, which is bullshit. If that's going to save my ass then I think they should be done as soon as possible. You should do them with someone that has done them, and KNOWS what they are talking about. So many people have their own interpretations of them, which only feeds their own ego's. They really are not that complicated when you do them with someone that knows what they are doing. For many, many years I ran in circles because I met so many that didn't know what they are doing. So many people haven't even done them theirselves. I avoid these people now, and I've had some really good people put in my life that do the steps as they should be. Everything is straight from the book. It's all there, and really does work when you follow them. I was fortunate to come across some people that honestly do work THE PROGRAM. It's kinda like a back to basics group. I was so amazed at the things I learned. So clear. For years I went to meetings, read the Big Book, talked with people, made several attempts to do the steps, but got no where. All I seemed to do was get myself all frustrated, confused, and eventually I would just say, f--k it. All the meetings in the world won't keep you sober, your sponsor won't keep you sober. It's an important aspect of recovery, but not what the program is. Going through the steps is what allows you to find the god of your understanding, and have your spiritual awakening to bring about the psychic change that's needed to change. We are beyond human help, and that includes ourselves. You can't think your way sober. It's a thinking disease, and you need to live your way into good thinking. I was amazed at how quickly the steps can really be done. And that doesn't mean that your just rushing through it as fast as you can. When A.A. was first started, it was a sponsor that brought you into the meetings. They didn't just allow anyone to walk in, because they wanted to keep what they had. People were taken through the steps right away before you joined the regular meetings. Now anyone can just go in. Usually they think they have it in a short time, and you can here so much garbage. It's no wonder people go for years, and still not find real sobriety. It's really a shame, because this disease will kill you, and does with so many. People that don't know what their doing, or never worked the steps, sponsor others. Some people can actually get sicker. You need to be carefull, and learn from someone that knows what they are doing. As for making amends, well I could never do that in a life time. When I look at things honestly, almost everyone I ever came into contact with I used in some way for my own selfishness. Some I can make amends too, and others are dead. The thing is that you are willing, and if the opportunity presents itself make your amend. Making amends should be a way of trying to correct harm that you did. Sometimes it's just not possible, but we must be always willing. It can be done in many ways, but I think if you have a good sponsor it's a good idea to go over your amends with them first. Sometimes we may mean well, but we can cause more harm, or still be doing it for selfish reasons. Have a great day. James

I would endorse what James says here - above everything, when you look for a sponsor, it is a good idea to find one who is fully acquainted with the Big Book and ignore the bright ideas of anyone whose ideas cannot be reconciled with the precise instructions on the Steps as set out in those first 164 pages.

It is taking all of almost two years to walk through the steps with my sponsor. I have not had a drink nor have I desired to during that time. Although I have had relapse in the past; I have not had any, today.