Agree totally. This disease is bigger than you.. if your husband wants to drink, he can do so ... but he need to respect your desire to not drink which includes not brining any booze into the house ... ever.

You say you won't give up a 30 year marriage over a bottle of vodka. Is he?

These replies are right on. Am grateful you posted this comment/question, and grateful for the reminder of the responses.
Since I believe all the appropriate answers are already written, I can only just paraphrase, relate, and add an anecdote.

Paraphrasing: Your solution to stopping drinking must come from within , and I don't mean white knuckled will power either, but more of an overall recovery program. Like many others, I super recommend AA for a bazillion different reasons. Yet of course there are other alternatives as well. A program with actual recovery and actual positive in-person support (I believe) is essential. Always, but especially when living in an adverse situation as you described.
We live in a world of alcohol, so regardless the external circumstances (be it at home, at work events, family occasions, dining experiences) we need to have an inner solution. Get that solution going to remove the obsession, and you might stand a chance against all the offerings or opportunities to drink. That said, of course it doesn't make it easy to live with someone trying to enable you. Yet, with a support group like AA and proper work, you could be able to deal with it.

Relating: I've been in a relationship for 12 years, married for 7 of those years. For many years even before the relationship I tried (without program) to get and remain sober. Epic flail. At the time when I met the woman who is now my wife I was at the tail end (waning) of another round of attempted sobriety. She is a drinker and pot smoker and at in the early phases of our relationship I didn't realize that she also had a substance abuse/alcoholism problem, I thought it was just an extended round of honeymoon phase romantic wine celebrations at our getting together. Like, "we deserve this". Feeling good, I relapsed.
It became quickly apparent that we both had alcoholism, but it was easier to ignore as we were at the time successful in our careers, bla bla bla. Over the years, each time I tried to quit I met with a very similar story as yours above. Of the many times I tried to quit it was without a program, a sponsor, without steps, without in person support. Just me and things like journaling, this online forum, exercise, recovery based reading. Whether it would be 1 week or once even 8.5 months (of white knuckling, miserable isolation and arguments at home, locking myself away in another room), always eventually relapsed and then was back to full blown delusional ignorance of reality, and drinking, getting high.
Fact is, her and I had established our routines and rhythms as co-enablers, each looking the other way or actively looking to each other for validation that it was ok to drink every night and smoke weed all day every day. LIke it was all flippant and cool. So whenever I'd enter another round of attempted sobriety she would do the same things: continue to drink/smoke on her own, bring it in to the house (which again, we need to find solution inside of us anyway, and whether it is in the house or not, it is always a half block away, but doesn't make it easier that it is in the house), and then she would encourage me to drink and smoke, sometimes bring me my own drink and weed, eventually complain and argue that "I'm no fun anymore" and I'm "not the man she married." Of course this has led to numerous near divorces, but I persist through the bullshit knowing there is actually a decent, supportive loving person there beneath the selfishness and sickness. (It is still not a done deal, I'm not ruling out divorce, it would be a huge shame, but am taking every means necessary to ensure that I don't drink and that we exhaust all other possibilities before divorce, and that includes me refusing to be a doormat, and learning to communicate every time she does something that is not ok, meanwhile choosing my battles and not losing serenity trying to micromanage her. It doesn't look good, unless she'll at least go to counseling with me, as she refuses to join a program, thinks it is normal to drink every day, total denial, says it's very, "European".).
Simply put: she and I established our dance as drunks and so when I don't drink, it changes the dance, it gets awkward, we get out of rhythm with each other. She's very nervous, and my recovery is threatening her self-medication and very identity.
So, after years of doing that same routine of trying it on my own, trying to run from alcohol and willpower my way to not drink in the face of it, I bottomed out and joined AA. Granted, I'm currently "only" 296 days sober, but I broke my 26 year record of sobriety, plus it feels COMPLETELY different with a program. Like, way different. I'm not isolated, trying to hide from alcohol. Sure, I don't hang out in bars where I have no business being there, but in fact I am a professional entertainer and my $ often relies on being onstage around booze...I have business being there. Plus I have business being at home, and I have a drinking family when we have family occasions. Yet I've been changing from within, so am not tempted by those occasions which are a bi-product of our society. Again,it is totally different this time. With tons of new sober friends, with a sponsor, with the wisdom of the steps and the insight I've gained, it isn't about me versus the bottle of whiskey my wife brings home. Steps 1, 2 and 3 alone where enormously beneficial! It is more about me and my higher power, as I understand it. Of course I'm not all happy about living with a drunk, and like I wrote, that's a work in progress, and it might not progress well. Even when she tries to not drink for a week here and there, without program, or when she tries to drink less, at those times she's an untreated, pretty cranky dry alcoholic, and it is just as miserable.
Hence, now that my obsession to drink has largely been lifted, and I have energy to branch out, I've also more recently joined alanon to start focusing on the continual negative affect of alcoholism in my household. Am very grateful I've done so. Makes a huge difference. I own my own recovery, I don't rely on her for my recovery or my happiness. We shall see where it leads, but I am not too keen on the vibe at home, each night I return from a meeting and she often cuts down the meetings and says I don't need to go, I'm not an alcoholic anymore, bla bla bla.

Anecdote: I heard a story once, takes place in ancient days, where someone is complaining about every pebble on the road hurting his bare feet. He devised a solution to try to pave the entire road with smooth, soft leather. No matter how hard he tried it would fail, there wasn't enough energy or time to get enough leather, and eventually he'd have to travel to where his preventative path didn't extend.
Then someone suggested to him that instead of trying to coat all of existence with leather, why don't he just cover his own feet. He made some leather shoes, and was thereafter not pained by every pebble and stone he encountered.
Of course, the pebbles and stones are like the presence of the alcohol at home, at work events, family occasions, sports and dining events, etc. We protect ourselves with recovery, with program, with digging deep to discover what is revealed in the steps.

Best wishes, keep us posted.

I appreciate each and every one of you. You give me great inspiration!. I did not drink the vodka. Him and his buddy did. I told him to stop buying it for Me, if you want it then fine. But DO NOT buy it for me.

There are so many reasons for your husband's good intentions. Don't worry. Be Happy. Pour the vodka down the drain. The is no need to make judgments on you husband's actions. Let go of the worry and move on with your sobriety.
I know I will get a lot of flack, but I will tell you what I did. I gave the bottle to a homeless man who was not ready to quit.

I never treated my wife that way when she quit drinking, but I was insensitive too. I could so clearly see her problems with alcohol, because she slurred her words, became verbally abusive, blacked out and would be hungover and incapable of caring for the kids. I didn't realize my own issues that even moderate drinking and pot smoking held for me. I was hiding my emotions in a shell, pretending to be happy and social, depressed and passive aggressive. I recently after a years separation and impending divorce took a soulful inward look and inventory and having been sober for about a month have realized how much I was asleep in my own life. I Wish you the best moving forward. I hope the clarity you develop hopes you make the right choices in your life. I would imagine that your husbands use doesn't allow him to make the right choices. Take care of yourself and best wishes!

I think he is afraid of when you sober up he can't point his finger at you in superiority. He wants you under his feet were he can control you physically and emotionally. He don't want you to see the light. He is afraid you will make real life decisions that may not include him. You might just want out. That is not love it's control.

PLEASE READ!!!


Im not a alcoholic, but my mum was from a early age of 30, i just wanted to post something to tell parents how it feels from a childs point of view and how i felt.
I was about 5 when my dad and mum had split up because of the drink, me and my younger sister still lived with our mum as we would refuse to leave her side and would cry all day and night till we sore her apparently. i cant remember a lot from that age but i remember being taken away from my mum so many times, going to my dads, my grans, my uncles and aunts. i had no stable and happy home at a young age and neither did my sister.

Later on when i was about 10 i would walk back from school thinking to my self will mum be drunk or sober. and 90% of the time she was to drunk and people would of found her in a field or out side the house past out with a bottle of vodka in her hands. most the time people will have carried her to her bed and left her there (some people where complete strangers) i would walk through the front door to find out she was pissed! so i would sit my younger sister down and try and ring my dad but most the time he wouldnt be there or was to busy to pick us up so we would eat cereal and toast for dinner and then i would put my sister to bed.
We had social services in and out of our lives which made us feel like wierdos and freaks at times and we just wanted to be normal (MOST CHILDREN HATE SOCIAL SERVICES)

When i had started at secondary school things got really bad where my mum would be drunk from 9:00am till the next day and start again, this happend for a month but i didnt tell anyone from school or my dad, i would get home, cook something for my sister and me, then sometimes try and figure out the washing machine. We where not a well of family my mum being in around 25.000 dept and no job as we lived in the country side and no one would imploye a drunk. me and my sister would try and survive on are school meals and then what was in the cupords and fridge or are neighbour would sometimes cook us something.

From my point of view it was living hell and i would cry for hours and i would write my mum notes and put them through the door so when she woke up she would read them and try and stay of the drink. But when sober i couldnt be happier, she was the most caring and loving person you could ever meet she would try and save a crow with a broken wing and rehabilitate it back till its full health hahaa.

When i was 15 and my sister 13/14 we woke up and decided we would go for a bike ride so i though i would go up and wake mum up after she had passed out and tell her, i walked into her room thinking god how can she still be sleeping its 10:00am i went to push her and nudge her and she was freezing cold and didnt reply. i walked around to see her face and there was blood from her mouth and nose. she had died from to much alcohol, she didnt mean to do it she had drank so much overall that her body couldnt keep up and just shut down.

Me and my sister are now seperated i am now living with my gran and my sister with our dad. i am now 17 and still missing her so much i cry all the time and wish for her back to see her smile and hear her voice once more.

PLEASE anyone who has a problem try your hardest because you will never know what will happen and how much it hurts others around you.

I learned something very valuable in the outpatient treatment I was in after I went through detox. It was about triggers. The idea behind it is this: "When exposed to a trigger regularly, we will eventually cave in and drink! It's just....a matter...of time!" Being so close to alcohol and your husband's drinking is a huge trigger to you! It will be very difficult for you to stay sober!

This post hits close to home and brings back some horrible memories!

I remember as a kid, my mother trying to stay sober but every time she turned around, my dad would be shoving a glass of wine in her face. In the beginning she would turn it down but eventually, she gave in and began drinking. After awhile, she was drinking as much as he was.

Long story short, mom died of liver sirosis at the young age of 52. My dad later quit drinking with the help a woman he fell in love with who refused to enable him and told him if he picked up one drink, she would be history! He had brain damage from years of heavy drinking but lived to the age of 81 and his death was also an indirect result of his drinking.

It bothers me to talk about these things but I felt a need to....for some reason, so I hope it helps.

Good luck and God Bless!

When I was truly ready to stop it mattered little what was going on around me or what support I had. Sure there were things that helped to make the transition to sobriety easier, but here again those things never worked in the past until I was ready.