Alcoholism Support Group
Alcoholism is the continued consumption of alcoholic beverages, even when it is negatively affecting your health, work, relationships and life. If you think alcohol is causing you to lose control, it's time to seek help. Our group is a safe place to vent, check in, get back up if you fall, and reach sobriety.
I have just joined this site to seek advice once and for all. Hello everyone, I have been with my fiance for 3 years and I knew he had a drinking problem when we first started dating but I could see how unhappy he was and thought that a good woman in his life would change things (that old chestnut). I am basically here to see how I can speak to him and get him to seek help as he is not approachable. He holds down a full time job, drives a car, we have a mortgage together and he has so much to live for and look forward to, he wants to get married and he wants to have children, he even has a boy name ready if we ever have a boy. Now my concern is that I don't want to bring a child into an atmosphere where cans are everywhere, wine box is lying around I want a happy unbringing for my child as much as possible.
A bit of a background on my fiance is that his dad was an alcoholic and sadly passed away due to alcohol related health problems when he was just a teenager. This has not been easy for him as you can imagine and his theory on it is, as the child you either swear you are never going to touch a drop in your life and go down that path, or you go on the slipery slope of alcoholism to forget everything and end up in the same way.
Now I do not want him to follow in his fathers footsteps, it causes me stress everytime I hear another beer can open...so much so even if I hear a can of pop open out in public it brings fear to me. Yes he holds down a job but as soon as he is home he drinks until he goes to bed, he has a beer before he leaves for work as he is worried of having a fit if he doesn't, on his days off he drinks from when he gets up until he goes to bed, he goes the pub once a week when he knows he has time inbetween his days off which means we never do anything together apart from this and we rarely drive anywhere (I can't drive yet) as he has to think about wether he has had a drink or he wants to drink so he won't go anywhere, he refuses to pick me up from work most days as he wants to drink. He has had a few hits of gastritis which he puts down to stress which I know is a load of rubbish, it is total denial. Of course my biggest fear apart from him getting so ill there is no getting back, is the fact I am probably going to end up a widdow very early on and be a very lonely woman barely hitting my pension as this is what his mother went through. Let alone the fact of children losing their father.
My family are starting to dislike him, they didn't know of his problems being so severe until we went on a holiday together and they saw how much he drank, he had cans of beer out all the time and he doesn't care what anybody thinks of him, every social event with my family is an embarrassment as he gets blind drunk and makes a complete idiot of himself in front of them instead of pacing himself and staying slightly sober, as his sober self is charming, witty and amazing. The conversations approaching the subject with my mother are not pleasant and awkward and she tells me I should speak to him and make him visit the doctor with me so I can tell him how much he actually drinks rather than lying (it is not that easy). My mother wants me to sort it and doesn't want me to have children or get married until it has been, but I am nearly 32 and time is ticking. I try and approach the subject but ''it is not a good time, I have just finished work and I want to relax'' ''it is not a good time it is my day off and I want to relax'' '' you are ruining my only day off, thanks for that!!'' - goes in a huff and ignores me all day and storms off to the pub, plus he says he is working on it and I don't realise how much he struggles and how he fights it day to day, yet I don't see any improvement or see him trying to work on it at all, he basically just lives to work and rest and work, repeat. He gets very very irate quickly if I try and talk about it and comes out with statements like ''I am a grown man and if I want to drink I will do!!'' or ''stop trying to change me because it is really starting to bug me now''
What he doesn't realise is, if he wants children, to get married he cannot carry on like this and he needs to address the issue and work on it with me like a couple. I want him to have a long healthy happy life with me and our children, I just have no idea how to approach him as he gets shouty and reverses the psychology on to me. I don't want to lose him to alcohol one day, it terrifies me, I love him and walking away is just not an option I want to consider.
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check out that smoke ring. It tasted really good. I smothered it with Maulls BBQ sauce which is Local to St. Louis and one of the best I ever had.....
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I was recently separated from my wife of 33 years and it's complicated. Anyway I rented a room about 15 minutes away and I see my kids about once a week. I see the people who own the house I live in once in a while but other than that I stay in my room where I do my cooking, wash dishes in the shower, read, color, and sleep. I get out at least once a day. I grocery shop and I attend 2 meetings...
It is so sad that you have found yourself in this difficult position and I urge you to thread carefully as you move forward into the future. I will give you an opinion that is based on my own experience with alcoholism but I am not an expert on anything.
Your fiancée is in denial about his problem and this is common among alcoholics. In my opinion, this denial is often due to ignorance of the facts, fear about the future and a feeling of hopelessness and loss of control. These are the issues that you could try to address so that, God willing, you can have a positive outcome.
Ignorance is one of the biggest barriers to progress. Few people, including alcoholics, understand alcoholism and if the problem is not understood, the wrong things will be done in order to try and fix it. Therefore, the first requirement is a clear understanding of the exact nature of the problem. There are many sources of knowledge but I would warn you to be careful. When I lost control over alcohol, I did a lot of internet research but for some reason, I actually learned nothing, possibly because I did not want to hear the truth. It was only when I went to AA meetings that I found out what the problem was. Two sources of knowledge that I found invaluable are the Big Book (Alcoholics Anonymous) which is available to download for free online, and a series of videos by Joe McQuany (see the link below).
Fear arises out of ignorance and most alcoholics are full of fear, although they do not always recognise the extent of it. This fear leads to a feeling of hopelessness and a sense that nothing can be done to improve the situation. For this reason, people who try to help such as yourself are often pushed away and those people are accused of nagging etc. with this being used as another excuse to drink.
As I see it, you have a number of options and you would be wise to consider them carefully.
Maybe the wisest thing to do would be to cut your losses and walk away now before you make any more commitments but as you have stated, you love him and that is not an option that you wish to consider.
A second option is to somehow get through to your fiancée and to convince him to get help, which seems to be the reason for your post. If I were you, I would buy him a hard copy of the Big Book, but there is of course to certainty that he would read it. There is no sense in lecturing or trying to reason with an alcoholic but ‘suggestions’ will often plant a seed in the mind that can bloom into positive action. Rather than pleading, threatening etc. something along the lines of: “Do you not think that you have a problem” or “Do you think you should do something about it” may cause your fiancée to arrive at the correct decision and take action. You can also mention Alcoholics Anonymous to him but be careful not to overdo it.
Your third option is to learn how to live with an alcoholic and regardless of whether your fiancée gets sober or not, this should be your top priority if you plan to have a future together. In trying to do the right things, it is likely that you are making serious mistakes that will actually make the problem worse. This is not your fault, as nobody learns these things at school and most people who deal with alcoholics make the same mistakes. For this reason, I would strongly urge you to go to Al-Anon meetings in your area, where you can get information and support from people who have dealt with the same problem.
Alcoholism is a progressive condition so your fiancée’s drinking is likely to get much worse unless he quits completely. Do not underestimate the value of prayer in helping you to reach the correct decision. I wish you well for the future and please feel free to keep posting and asking questions.
This is the video link:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CMC62Y_5dyE
If you married him, you would have to play second fiddle to his alcohol. His drink is more important to him then you are! To me it's a matter of "does he love me more then the alcohol? does he love me enough to stop drinking completely?" If he says yes to those two questions, then it's full speed ahead and congratulations! I hope you have a happy life together!
Here is something you said, " but I am nearly 32 and time is ticking" so in your rush for motherhood, you could be making the biggest mistake of your life if you have a child with him. You can't fix him but if you left him, that sometimes motivates an alcoholic to get help.....that was how I got sober! That was how my dad got sober. If you continue to stay with him and play his games, you will just continue to enable him in my humble opinion.
You need alot of support for yourself and alanon is a great place to find that support. You can google meetings in your area.
I will keep you both in my thoughts and prayers.
God Bless
Is this really the life that you want for yourself? You've chosen to be with an alcoholic who is angry at you, won't talk to you, and does not want to change. Why are you choosing this life? Perhaps if you saw a counselor they can help you figure out why you are treating yourself this way. Your life can be so much better than this.
Here is another group you might want to join:
https://www.dailystrength.org/group/wives-of-alcoholics
You will get some insight on what it is like to stay with an alcoholic. It doesn't get easier to put up with, and it doesn't get easier to leave after marriage and kids.
Look for some support for yourself to help you through whatever choices you make, you deserve a bright and happy future. Don't allow your body clock to determine your decisions - having a child of high school age myself I have seen the emotional pain that my own drinking has caused her and "that" look of fear in her eyes has been heart breaking. If you decide to have a child with your fiancé who, as you practically has said "don't try and change him so don't bug him" then you will have to take responsibility for the emotional rollercoaster that will mapped out for your child's future. Harsh words I know and I don't mean to cause you any offence and I know that you are suffering emotionally yourself right now and no doubt feel torn by the situation. Its obvious that you love your fiancé very very much that is clear and evident by our post but like so many of the other members on this site, I have seen first hand what this disease is capable of and how it scars the innocent children of an alcoholic parent. I'm lucky to have an amazing daughter but whilst I am sober right now, I still see the fear in her eyes every time we are in a social gathering where alcohol is at the core. It will take a long time for her to heal but we will and are doing that together and I thank god every single day that I had the strength to admit that I can NEVER drink alcohol again. Please don't let my words be your reply to a similar post in a few years time. Be responsible for your future happiness and the decisions you make will dictate that. Your fiancé has to be responsible for his.
Good luck, I truly hope things work out for you but remember you only get one chance in life and sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind. xxx