I don’t want to scare you but you should be concerned.

You describe me in my Youth. I used to binge badly and I chalked it up as fun in my 20s. Marriage or kids really didn’t change it. So I was divorced by 33. Then I got married again and had another kid. Didn’t change much.

Finally enough was enough and I went to AA and got sober at 41.

Lots of screwups, wasted time and hurt families. I put my in laws through hell.

I don’t know what you should do, but I do think you are right to question things.

I think you lnow the answer.

No way in hell would I chose to marry a binge drinking alcoholic. Nor would I chose one to be the father of my children.

What if instead of a birthday party, he was too hammered to take you or one of your future children to the ER?

Thank you for your responses :) I actually am divorced as well, and I am terrified of it happening again. Luckily we haven't started planning anything yet for the wedding, mostly due to other things going on. I know I can't change him, he's going to have to want to change himself.

Don’t wait for that to happen.

I use to drink because I didn't want to tell my wife the truth. I was afraid to tell her I no longer loved her. I was afraid to tell her she made me very unhappy and I didn't want to be with her anymore.

Now we are divorced and I am sober. I am happier now then I have ever been and I have a great life. I no longer have to hide things anymore.

God Bless

Hi bobinmaine, congratulations on your sobriety, I know it was a hard journey for you. But that is such an accomplishment!

Sometimes I think there might be more going on, but he's been drinking like this since we've met. I am in therapy for my own issues, but I am going to discuss this in one of my sessions.

Thank you for your reply :)

Honestly I wouldn’t wish anyone marry an alcoholic. We will break your heart. Then rip it out, then stomp on it in the dirt.

Run don’t walk

The odds are 90% you will have a drinker till they die. Only 1 in 10 make it to live clean and sober

I would say leave, because I put my wife thru some h3ll. I wouldn’t wish it on anybody
1-2

There are parts of him that are great, but he's fairly selfish. I let him move in with me when his lease was up and in all honesty, it's been nothing but stress. I asked him to split my rent with me, he said no, I was being mean because he was supposedly saving for a house for us. He then told me in passing he doesn't do other people's dishes. Well dude, you're living with me and eating off of my plates so you need to help. He's now helping me with rent bc like I mentioned in my first post I was laid off a month ago. He gets upset if I don't drink much at home, but that I drink more when I'm out with friends.

I'm sorry to unload all of this under a section that isn't 100% related but I'm frustrated with trying to get him to help me but I'm met with pushback and being told I'm not being fair.

Also, thank you for your honesty 1-2. I've got some thinking to do.

You are welcomed to come here and post anytime.

Life is a struggle but it is a far greater struggle when you are living with an alcoholic. I grew up in an alcoholic home. Lost both parents to alcoholism, but I forgive them both.

God Bless

I read your post in the other group, and looked up your past posts.

"doesn't do other people's dishes"...wow

A half bottle of whisky isn't a social drinker either. I'd look past it if it was once or twice in his 20's. Past that age though, non heavy drinkers leave the party. Those left are those that backup each other's disordered ways of thinking. There's a reason why almost all advice for drinkers is to find new friends. In his 30's, he's probably been drinking heavy for a decade or two.

It's NOT impossible to recover. I know plenty who did. But all that I knew, did it outside of a dating relationship.

Issue is that it's just too easy to "blame" issues on a partner, and go back to one's drinking buddies. It's not about you...it's all about HIM. That doesn't make him a bad person...FAR from that. There's something loveable in virtually everyone.

But it does mean that you can't fix him.

He needs to fix himself. And once he does that...he needs to feel good...about fixing himself. There's well deserved pride in every chip that someone gets from AA (or whatever other way of tracking progress).



If you're not ready to end the relationship, you might consider alanon.

I've been right where you are. When an alcoholic ex of mine was kicked out of his apartment because of my dog, I invited him to move in with me. We didn't have the rent issues because I had also recently been laid off.

Late one New Year's Eve, we started the party at home. I decided that I'd rather drink wine, and not risk drinking and driving on such a risky night. He got mad, left me home alone and went to the bar. The next day he was pissed off that he'd had to explain to so many people why I wasn't there.

A couple weeks later, I told him that I didn't want to go to the bar after he got off work. I was starting up a small online business and completely focused on my projects. I wanted to stay in that night and keep going. He gruffly said, "if you're not going with me, we're over." I said, "ok, I guess we're over." He stomped out and slammed the door behind him. While he was gone, I abandoned my work and got my futon setup in another room. It wasn't until the next day that he really understood that I had actually agreed to his "go to the bar with me or we're over" ultimatum. It was ugly.

I had issues of my own and got into an equally emotionally abusive relationship immediately after that.

Now, finally, I am single and have been for 3 years, and I am much better for it. Looking back, I realize what a bullet I had dodged. He was there and fun to be around when things weren't going well, but as soon as I started taking steps to improve myself, he would get emotionally and verbally abusive.

Run away. You'll thank yourself in the future.

We had yet another fight tonight. I have written him a letter that I will give him tomorrow telling him how I really feel without anger and hurt.

He's definitely gaslighting me and tonight was the last straw. I'm not letting someone pick a dangerous lifestyle over me and I sure as hell am not going to let someone emotionally screw me and my mental state. I don't know if he actually loves me or is so desperate to have someone to prove to himself that he can be in a relationship or what his fricking deal is. But my friends, he has chosen the wrong woman to mess with.

Right now, after talking with an incredible friend of mine, I am feeling strong (for the moment) and think that if he does (and probably indefinitely will pick his addiction over me) get so angry about it and tells me it's over I will be relieved. I can have my space back and let my cats roam free without fighting with his.

The man I fell for is non-existent. The nasty gaslighting binge drinker is who he is.

Oh, and one more thing before I turn in for the night. He will tell me I need to apologize, because it's always my fault. Never his that he is awful to me during particular times every month. I did say one thing I will apologize for, but I won't apologize for anything else. He antagonized me and then tried to make me feel like I was losing my mind. Not happening.

Good for you! And good luck! You're strong. You know what the answer is and the sooner you get there, the quicker you can get back to living your own life. It will be hard at first, but you will also feel that relief that you described. Your cats will be happier as well, I promise :). And their opinion is important!
I'm excited for you!

I remember when I was drinking, I would blame my drinking on my wife so by making her feel guilty, I didn't have to take responsibility for what I was doing. That just made me drink all the more. When she put her foot down was when I was motivated to get help. That was when I had a police escort to detox and I thank my lucky stars that it was detox instead of jail.

You need alot of support for your self and if you don't feel you can get enough support online, then I highly recommend alanon. You can find meetings in your area.

https://al-anon.org/

God Bless