Alcoholism Support Group
Alcoholism is the continued consumption of alcoholic beverages, even when it is negatively affecting your health, work, relationships and life. If you think alcohol is causing you to lose control, it's time to seek help. Our group is a safe place to vent, check in, get back up if you fall, and reach sobriety.
Hi Everyone, I am on here in a desperate attempt for some answers as my boyfriend has made me feel like I am crazy for thinking he has a problem. I have been with my boyfriend for close to 2 years and alcohol has always been a problem in our relationship. I have often wondered if I am just sensitive since my mother suffered from alcohol issues in my childhood and early adulthood and I also suffer from bad anxiety. In the first month of of our relationship he showed up to a date already drunk and I had a break down saying I was terrified of being in a relationship with someone who has a drinking problem. He assured me he didnt have one and it was a random occurance he was just finishing the bottle of wine we opened the night before. In the first few months of our relationship we would drink together on week nights and it was fun because it was a new and exciting time for us. He would get really drunk at concerts and events and would pass out on the living room floor or in Uber's but He always woke up and and apologized and I kind of just thought he would grow up the farther into our relationship. We ended up moving in together after about 7 months and I moved into his house. Alcohol has continued to be an issue as what I thought was us just drinking on date nights was normal drinking for him. He was drinking 5 or 6 nights a week and really only would take time off if I asked him to please skip a night or if he had a early morning meeting. Over the course of the last year or so his drinking has become progressively worse in my opinion. Somehow he makes every activity a drinking activity...go to the driving range, bring a flask...take the dog to the park, pack beers...go to the beach, pack beers...go on a bike ride, stop at bars along the way. We don't spend any time together where alcohol is not in the picture even just watching a movie at home. When I have confronted him about he will say that his job is stressful and thats how he unwinds (hes a lawyer) and most recently he has started blaming me for it saying that he has never had to much anxiety in his life until he met me so he drinks just to deal with that (my mother used to blame me for her drinking) Since Coronavirus started in March his work schedule slowed down so he has started drinking 7 days a week since he doesnt have to get up early for meetings and depositions anymore. He is also very reliant on chewing tobacco which is in his mouth constantly unless he is eating or drinking and smokes cigarattes when he drinks(sometimes in the house if he is really drunk). These things seem to be his security blanket because if I ask him to please stop or cut back he will defend them to no end saying he enjoys them and he wants to enjoy his life. He often tells me I am "ruining his good time" or being a downer when I get upset with him.
When I have brought up that I think he has an alcohol problem he thinks that because he goes to work everyday, has a good job and is not a raging drunk 24 hours a day like his uncles were that he doesn't have a problem. His dad has made a few comments to me in the past about how he liked that I am not much of a drinker and hopes I will get him under control. We went on a vacation last week and before we left his dad jokingly said to watch how much he drinks on the trip. His sister who also went on the trip with us mentioned to me that his dad thinks he is an alcoholic and wants her to say something to him because he is sensitive so I am not the only once that thinks this. When I told my BF about that he shrugged it off saying "thats just my dad, he always thinks I have a problem"
Anyways, the morning we left on our trip he was completely out of it and seemed weird. He ended up confessing he was still drunk from drinking the night before. I thought it was strange because I went to bed a few hours before him and he wasn't drinking. I figured out last night that my BF has started hiding alcohol from me now just so he doesn't have to deal with me "nagging him". He was trying to wait until I went to bed last night to drink but I figured out he had gone to the liquor store and kept the bottle in his car. When I told him do not hide alochol from me it became a huge ordeal and somehow has lead to him breaking up with me and asking me to move out. I have cried a lot to him over his drinking in general and he keeps saying its my issue and that no past GF has ever had any problems with his drinking. He has come to the conclusion that he does not see a future with someone so negative and with such bad anxiety and wants someone who will accept him as he is. He said so many hurtful things to me as I cried last night, calling me a train wreck and that he does not see starting a family with me anymore because he doesn't think I could emotionally handle it. He slept until 2PM today and hasn't said much of anything to me at all. I have no job because I lost it due to coronavirus and this has been my home for over a year. I am in disbelief and shocked that as someone who claims to love me he would just throw away a relationship rather than hear their partner's concerns. I have been stonewalled and he does not think he needs to change a damn thing. Is he in denial? How do you help someone you love without being a nag?
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check out that smoke ring. It tasted really good. I smothered it with Maulls BBQ sauce which is Local to St. Louis and one of the best I ever had.....
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I was recently separated from my wife of 33 years and it's complicated. Anyway I rented a room about 15 minutes away and I see my kids about once a week. I see the people who own the house I live in once in a while but other than that I stay in my room where I do my cooking, wash dishes in the shower, read, color, and sleep. I get out at least once a day. I grocery shop and I attend 2 meetings...
My biggest regret is how distant and lonely I made my wife feel while I was drinking. She never confronted me about it and part of the reason is that she didn’t know how much I was abusing it.
I would like to think that if she had given me an ultimatum that I would have stopped. However I was only able to quit for good because I was ready to change.
I’m sorry you are going through this. It’s an awful addition. So dark and deceptive. Until I was free I didn’t know this. Looking back was hard until I forgave myself. Unfortunately he will regret it too but it may take too long for you.
The best thing my wife ever did for me was leave me! That forced me into treatment which helped me tremendously and I have a great life now as a result. Although we are divorced, we get along fine, like best friends and we laugh about alot of things that happened during my drinking days but they were not funny at the time.
You can clearly see what his alcoholism is doing to him, but LOOK at what his drinking is doing to YOU!
You need alot of support for yourself and alanon is a great place to find that support, however, you might have to do online meetings as a result of covid. Here is the link:
https://al-anon.org/
We will keep you in our thoughts and prayers....
God Bless
From the information provided, in my opinion, yes this a classic alcoholism. From what you described, this person has a dependency on alcohol, to live the life they are holding onto. The good news about that is you are not going crazy, and his accusations of you being crazy are his alcoholism and ego fighting desperately to keep things the same, because both are coonfident with the effect alcohol gives him each time he drinks. The bad news is you loving him is not a powerful enough force against his alcoholism and his alcoholism is such an illness that it will manipulate his mind to think you are the problem, when in fact if seen with clarity, people like yourself will be a solution for him long term, because you do care and you do love him.
He is ill, and is delusional to that fact, and it is only going to get worse, from my experience if he maintains he has no problem.
His Dad recognizes it, you recognize it, probably everyone who has ever loved him or cared for him has recognized it, so the first step for you is to realize that he is dealing with something so great and such a subtle adversary, that you fighting it and trying to change it will only make you collateral damage of what it's goal is, and that is to maintain it's position of being so selfish it disregards everything else just to maintain what it is getting right now, and that is to be as drunk and numb as possible.
He loves the way alcohol makes him feel, more than anything else, and it is his higher power, do you want to compete with that? Do you feel like you deserve to compete with that? Do you think you were born or created just to compete with another person's alcoholism, despite being in love with that person and wanting a future with them?
If you ask yourself these questions, you might see how ridiculous he is being and how ridiculous the situation has evolved into, and you might see that his alcoholism is giving you a window of opportunity to be taken to greater things even if that means letting go of what you think you love, which seems to be the idea that life with him will equate to happiness.
The reality is, if he is not interested in not being dependent on alcohol, life will suck being with him, he will always think of himself over another, and you'll just be a subject to his desire to not stay sober. He's already started to do it by playing the blame game on you, here you care for him and are concerned (two important principles of being in a partnership with someone you have an interest in) and he can't replicate that by seeing his drinking is hurting you, or he can see it, and the dilemma that he can't stop, is making him want to alienate you instead of just being honest and saying he has a very real problem and has been addicted to alcohol for a very long time.
He is certainly not lying when he is saying stress is making him drink. Stress for an alcoholic without treatment is almost a guarantee of becoming drunk, and it will be most helpful for you personally to stay committed to the idea that he is not wrong, he is not bad, he is very sick, and not well, and your higher power probably will always keep an exit window open for you because sick alcoholics who aren't well, or who don't care about making themselves well, free from alcohol, are always more problem than solution.
Finding or keeping an open mind to support coming into your life from other people who are in relationships with alcoholics will serve you well.
To conclude, from what you say, the guy 100 percent is depending on alcohol to manage his life, and you can see that because he is using it across the board. He is using it in his personal, professional, and recreational areas of life to the point where he is losing consciousness and wanting to escape reality.
If you can see that his is sick, nagging might not seem useful to you, and you might want to leave or distance your love for him if you stay in ways, so he can see you are an asset in loving him. I've seen it where guys who are alcoholics, become resentful at those who love them, because they find them objectionable to their drinking desires. Those guys end up alienating the loved ones until they become alone. They see their being alone as freedom to drink more wrongly, and before you know it, people who will never have their best interest in hand start showing up, and those people start treating them like shit like they've been treating others for so long, and before long they come begging back to their loved ones for forgiveness.
I see that all the time, not just in alcoholism too, and it is a consequence of a resentful and ungrateful attitude, but a hallmark of alcoholism. It is such a disruptive mental and physical disease that it makes our greatest allies through a delusion become what feels like burdensome enemies.
Maybe this guy is in your life you so you can boost your own security, maybe his struggles are being presented to you so you can see how unnecessary your anxiety might be going forward.
All I know is I have been this guy before, and until I personally saw through clarity a reason to treat my alcoholism, because it was affecting others when it didn't have to, I wasn't able to change nor did I think I needed to. I gotta give the most credit to the people who stayed loving me despite my inability to see how huge a problem drinking was for me, and how much it consumed my mind, body, and spirit. When I finally was able to break through the delusion and saw how courageous they were in not giving up on me, they ended up being the example of how to live life after alcohol, and the ironic part of that is most if not all of them are non-alcoholics instead of recovered alcoholics. Don't get me wrong, I get tons of support from recovered alcoholics, but the non-alcoholics who never gave up on me have ended up being like the rocks in my system that don't budge and stay true.
So if you look at it in the right ways, it's a win-win, you can either give him space and let him choose if he wants you in his life, or you can support him until his time comes to change and commit to loving him unconditionally.
I think it is also important to remember that alcoholics, and particularly practicing alcoholics as ironic as this is too, are some of the most intelligent and aware people alive, despite their propensity for remaining drunk. I say that to say you never know what a drunk will remember when you love them while they are drunk, when you are trying to help them, and just one simple act of love and kindness towards a drunk knowing they are too sick to help themselves might turn into years of recovery and relief down the line for them and others.
It is an inside job for him though, and if he won't let you completely in, then you might want to consider getting completely out of the relationship as challenging as that might seem to be, but in my experience, if the exit plan day by day starts to flow seamlessly, it's more than likely the correct and most loving plan for you. If the exit plan seems to just pull you back in though, he might be so sick you're love and support will be necessary for his survival, so take it day by day and try to be more supportive and less serious if that is possible.
I can't say that I am not to blame at all in this scenario because as I mentioned I have bad anxiety and a lot of it comes from perfectionism. I strive to be perfect and expect those in my life to strive for the same. I am a rule follower, barely drink, never touched drugs or a cigarette, work out crazily and eat healthy and for me it is hard to understand why other people don't want to live the same. I don't remember being this way so much in my 20s but in my 30s it has caused me a lot of self hatred. I do think it has caused problems in our relationship because I don't have the ability to let go in most situations even on vacations. when I should be having fun with him. I stress about all the things that could go wrong, how I might be harming my body and going off my perfection course. He has told me numerous times that the pressure I put on him to live to those standards too is hard when he just wants to live his life to the fullest. I don't necessarily enjoy my life this way and wish I could let go more and maybe it will take some pressure off him or maybe I won't see his drinking as being so bad. I don't know
Repeating what you have said,.... he has no emotion for you when you are in distress....."I don't think we are compatible" I know his job is stressful but he needs to learn how to handle stress without using the bottle as a crutch. Right now he is not motivated to do so because the alcohol is in control.
I really think you deserve someone who will treat you better. IMHO
We will keep you in our thoughts and prayers
God Bless
I agree with nomo - there are many good men out there! I wish you all the best, and I truly hope you find a resolution to this situation that makes you happy.
Good Grief, woman; don't walk away from him....RUN. Like Tina Turner escaping Ike. He's bad news, and the thing about blaming YOU is a glimpse into your very bad future with him. Don't waste any more time on this. Take that 34 cents in your pocket and run like hell to the nearest hotel (watch the movie What's Love Got to Do With It). FROG PATS to you, dear.
1. It is addictive
Alcohol affects the way we think and what we say. There are fewer bans, and you can say out loud what you would not want.
2. He becomes an excuse
Remember how many times you apologized for what you said with the phrase "I drank and blurted out too much." But this does not excuse anyone, only worsens the relationship.
3. It affects behavior
Alcohol liberates people, and many become more aggressive and at the same time sensitive. With regular drinking, these features begin to appear during sobriety, but at the same time they bring no joy to anyone.
Leave now
Leave now
Please leave now
https://www.dailystrength.org/group/wives-of-alcoholics
This is coming from a recovering alcoholic.
Don’t walk, Run.
Unless of course you enjoy his aggressive, belittling, mental abuse.