Hi Daisy. You weren’t rambling. Everything you said was so valid. I’m in New England and have isolated for two months. In the country and I also planted a huge garden. Unfortunately the spring was too cold for a good early harvest so I’m just getting greens now. Peas in a few more weeks.
Set out peppers and eggplant and then the nights dropped into the 40s so they’re not happy about that.
I had been building a social life myself and miss it. My wife left in February for a few months get away and that’s been extended. You’re right about the video hugs, not so great.
My perception is that I have more work to do on myself that required alone time. So that’s how I’m viewing it. I’m lonely but am also thankful for having this opportunity to be present with myself. Long walks are making me aware that I’m not as alone as I thought. I like my company and that’s something I haven’t appreciated in too long.
I just passed 30 months and can’t imagine life without a clear mind. That three bottles of wine a day seems like a prison sentence to me. I wake with the sunrise and feel healthy all day. I enjoy my evening reading time and sunset walk. I do a fairly intense yoga/exercise session after. I’ve been a vegetarian for 30 years and am cooking simple whole food meals that are so healthy that I’m starting to feel a whole new level of health. I call it ridiculous health:) Heart rate is a resting 60.
So I’m very ready to get back into the world and hoping this exercise in loneliness has given me more appreciation for things I’ve taken for granted. Life is in all the small things and I had forgotten that.
I’m sorry your family has been so affected. That’s hard to keep the feeling that we will get through this. But we will. The world is broken I think and it’s only going to change if we as individuals decide to get stronger. The lure of despair is a cold mistress. That’s where the emptiness is.

These are times when I become highly dependent on my Higher Power and what I am hearing Him say to me is this. "Ignore the drama in the world and seek your inner Peace!"

So I disconnected my cable and I spend more time doing projects around my house, spending more time with neighbors and friends, going for walks, reading my favorite books and meditation which keeps me calm and Peaceful throughout the day!

God Bless

Thank you for being there again! Your “stories” give me permission to be who I really am....and the will to find myself again.

My parents raised me to be a “news junkie”, if I’m not informed, how can I help fix/change things. In today’s world, I find it a big challenge just to know how to “navigate” day to day. My trip to the post office (first in 3 months) was a pandemic nightmare. It causes huge anxiety in me just thinking about it and everything else that has changed.

There is a huge protest demonstration scheduled for Friday in our nations capital. I don’t understand when we are still in lockdown. What happened to containing the spread?

I don’t think I can survive and disconnect completely. Maybe I will start with taking a break on weekends, and only listening once daily, rather than by the hour. I’m wondering if the “need to know” is another addiction?

The cold weather and rain has not helped, no daily walks for over a week. Yesterday some had winter coats on....more isolation. The neighbours fear one another. It is clear you don’t go on another’s property to say hello.

Took extra vitamin D this morning....heading to do my Youtube Yoga.

This is day 4 and my focus will be to avoid a “crash”.

Thanks for listening.

Sincerely,

Don’t crash!!! I got rid of cable four years ago. Second best thing I ever gave myself after sobriety. I read a lot and once a week or so read a paper to check in with the world. Definitely don’t need a day by day drama fest.
To be honest I have enough to do to keep my life going forward and I enjoy keeping things simple. I figure that as long as I’m working hard and maintaining all the many aspects of living than I’m doing my best. If that’s not enough then I’ll deal with that too. I like to wake up and say ‘today is a new day, I have not seen this day before’. The masters say that when we stop seeing life with wonder is when trouble creeps in.
Your heart is ready to be open. That’s true for all of us. Will we resist today or accept? It’s a daily choice. Remember that ok?

The only thing I have control over is my own thinking. I found I got sober and the news is just talking heads. Blah blah.

Look up the story about the whirling derverishes ...

How’s it going up there in the north county Daisy? Hope you are caring for yourself.

Got through the hump of the weekend...day 9.

I’ve dusted off my 2 favorite books and keep them by my bed. I read a bit from both at bed time, and first thing in the morning (1. Fear, and 2. The Twelve Steps for Everyone.) rather than listening to news...

I was completely distracted with all the world events as they hit home for all of us, and lost taking care of myself.

I’ve also started listening to Gabor Mate to get therapy through “technology”......he speaks to a lot of my underlining issues.

I feel I’m back on track, ...taking it one day at a time.

Thank you for checking in on me. I also like to hear how others are coping through these “different” times.

Please stay in touch.

Glad you got your mojo back. Can be a slippery thing to hold onto. The one day at a time approach is the way to do it.
Glad you’re tapping the breaks on the news. Distraction is right!!! I just heard humans described as distraction addicts. That fits with the different teachings I’ve been experiencing. The busy mind and the art of quiet.
Is this book Fear by TN Hahn? That’s top shelf for me too. How to live a meaningful life by the Dalia Lama is amazing. I have been rereading parts for some time.
Quiet, simple moments are my saving grace. I try to feel god in me at least once a day lol. Walked a beautiful trail today. Under the oaks and pine were the mountain laurel in flower with fern carpets. A few streams and clear warm weather slashed in and I was inspired.
Finally able to harvest my nightly salad from my garden. I’m really excited about fresh veggies!!! Being a vegetarian and all:)
Walking, gardening and yoga give me peace. And staying removed from the news. Lol
Day nine is so fine!!

Day 10 Daisy? I have recommended Fear many times and I remembered how you were enjoying it. Sorry I forgot about that.
I love the description of the tree in a big wind, how the branches are flying around out of control but down at the truck, the core, things are steady. This is such a great analogy to our lives when things feel chaotic. Sobriety has allowed me the opportunity to strengthen my trunk. I know that I am safe.
Do you give yourself time outs during the day to just appreciate your breath?

Hello finallyawakenow,

Day 11 now....I am purposely stopping 3 times a day (at least) to focus on myself...self calming.....Yoga, a walk, reflection, etc.

I haven’t listened to any news in 2 days.....that is really helping lower anxiety.

I did have to go to town......it seems like the world has gone mad!.....I thank God I can work from home...and pity those who work in fear....wiping things down constantly.....it was like everyone is so afraid of each other. I can’t help but fear the second wave....and then I tell my “monkey brain” to stop!

I may not be able to stop the virus, or the world’s problem with racism, but I can work on myself.

I think I have my mojo back!......at least it feels that way today.

Looking forward to day 12.

Working on ourselves is everything. I have been doing this myself and I’m changing as a person. Slowly I am growing. I’m thankful for the path I’m on now, and that’s a huge step.
Hope you had a good day 12 :)

Day 12 - I am struggling so much with all the focus on police brutality and racism...it has thrown gas on trauma that happened to me and my 3 infant children, so long ago, and I cry inside my heart. It is still systemic and no one even recognizes it. I was sexually assaulted in broad day light in front of my children at a park. The police did NOTHING! They told me to forget about it for my own protection from the perp as it was likely his first offence and he would learn who I was and my address, and he would only get a slap on the hand.

When I called the police station to ask if they caught him as my daughter was terrified to sleep at night with the window open, they told me that they could not tell me because it would be against his constitutional rights.

My 7 year old daughter was the one who made him stop as her screams like a wounded wild animal made him run away. She is the one of the 3 who to this day is most traumatized. She still calls me on the phone and cries about it when she is drinking....what happened to her mother...not everyone gets to watch their mother being assaulted. I don’t know how to make her pain go away,...I failed to protect her then, and I still don’t know how to stop her hurting.

Even though it has been 30 years, it is like yesterday. I still can’t go for nature walks,...I’m always aware of my surroundings, and I still can’t forgive myself for not protecting my children. The police did nothing to protect us either. That man is still out there....and we live in fear for others knowing that.

It’s been a long emotional day for me....that’s usually when I check out through a bottle of wine....just to stop the pain for awhile. I can usually straighten around the next day because the hangover actually feels worse.....and then the third day I’m just so happy that I feel better (not hung over).

I don’t know how to forgive myself, and until I learn that piece I know I am at risk of drinking again, even though it also pains me to watch my daughter numb her feelings with alcohol too.

I wish they would stop talking about the police, I hold so much anger against them.....it is a failed system!

Now you know one of my triggers.

My breathing exercises are long overdue....thanks for letting me get this out.

That took courage to share this. You should know that a work accident was the motivation for me finding my sober journey. I was up on a high staging working on a custom home when a laborer (high) unbolted the support. I fell and was seriously injured. The shock and pain of this shifted my mind away from the alcohol. Well, it took about a month. The whiskey dulled the pain. But I ran out and the worried look on my wife’s face when I asked her to get me more was enough to get me to look at what I was doing. I suddenly realized that my only way back to healing was to quit. So for two years I believed that the ‘accident’ was meant to be. Now I don’t think that’s what happened. Things happen. Some very bad things and it’s out of our control. What I’ve come to see is that what we do to live with these events is what the real experience is. A dozen years before this my wife had a long affair and it really hurt me. That became my trigger.
When I had been sober for about 4 months I was guided to Fear. This book taught me that this moment is all we have to live. The past and the future are just thoughts. Like a motion picture that we replay, sometimes over and over. That’s what kept the affair pain fresh for me. I wasn’t letting go. It had become part of my identity and over the years became a habit of sorts. That’s when I made the decision to shift away from bringing the past into my now. It took practice but eventually I found freedom. Sure there are things that try to spark memories and I have to make a conscious decision to not get lost in those thoughts again.
I know that my issue pales to your experience but I believe that the healing process could be similar. It’s called by Buddhists one pointed concentration. A real skill that everyone can learn if they commit to the work. Our minds are our servants not the other way around.
The practice is mindfulness. Being present to what is happening right now and leave the rest.
I imagine you know this.... there are many levels of’knowing’. When we know something in our mind and look at it long enough with honest focus then we experience the knowing and it becomes a truth. And then nothing can take that away.
Yes the past feels real when we keep it alive but it’s just thoughts.
It’s awful that your children were there and especially the oldest. This was out of your control and you need to release any guilt for that.
My wife has the occasional wine glass but if she has a few (because it’s a depressent) I have seen her go from enjoying herself to tears as her mind wanders into places she normally doesn’t go. Guilt is tough and only we can free ourselves from it.
The best way to help your daughter is by example. Show her how a person can grow and change and learn to let go of a past that isn’t us anymore.
Breathe. And find a walking group to do those nature walks. When the world starts trusting our immune systems again that is.
I’m glad you said something Daisy. I hope what I said doesn’t sound wrong.

finallyawakenow

Everything you have said sounds so right- not wrong.

For one example, I lose sight of the fact that my own mind is what keeps the traumas in our life alive....and then relapse rather than living in the now, and just enjoying now.

Thank you for sharing your journey, it helps me to understand, and you are so, right about being an example.....

....now looking up “one pointed concentration”.

Thank you!

Oh, day 14. That’s half way to breaking a habit (30 days). After that the knee jerk response to put alcohol in front of us can be resisted.
One pointed concentration is meditation. Sometimes I think meditation gets viewed in a small way. It’s more than sitting cross legged on the floor and doing nothing. Listening to the birds or a stream, a walk, yoga and feeling the breath, Gardening and cooking are a form too. I can just be my true self. When I brush my teeth I make it a point to only focus on my posture. Try it, it’s amazing how our minds can’t be quiet for three minutes :)