Hello Lozboz88,

Unfortunately your story is all too common as there are many partners of alcoholics who are in the same position as you. There are some positive actions that I would suggest you may take in order to improve your situation.

It is good that you are desperate for people to talk to because there is a group of people at Al-Anon meetings near you who are willing to listen and help. No matter how well you try to handle this on your own you will make mistakes that will only prolong the agony. You can instead draw on the support and experience of Al-Anon members who have dealt with the same problem and in that way you can avoid making some of the common errors.

It looks to me as if your partner has not reached rock bottom yet and he is therefore unwilling to tackle his problem. Alcoholism is a progressive condition and therefore his drinking is likely to get a lot worse. An alcoholic cannot control his or her drinking for any prolonged period of time and your partner is either ignorant about the facts or is being dishonest when he claims that he can handle his drinking.

Alcoholics will often lie about the amount they are drinking in order to avoid having to face reality so you can safely assume that he is drinking a lot more than you imagine. Transferring guilt to other people is also a common alcoholic ploy so don’t allow him to guilt trip you as you are not in any way to blame for his drinking. Just make sure that you are not enabling him by drinking along with him etc. Al-anon teaches the partners of alcoholics to detach with love. In that way you can be there for your partner but not contribute to his alcoholic behaviour. You can also educate yourself about alcoholism by reading the Big Book (Alcoholics Anonymous) that you can easily purchase or read for free online. I would buy a copy of the book and after you have read it, give it to your partner.

Your partner is not a bad person but he is sick and doing dangerous things. The first priority must be the safety of your child who is dependent on you as the mature adult in the family. If there is any hint of danger to your son and indeed to yourself you may have to take drastic action such as leaving your partner or having him legally barred from your home.

All is not lost and there can be a happy outcome to this sad situation. However, you will have to take control for that to happen. You cannot force your partner to quit drinking but you owe it to your son and to yourself to make the necessary changes. Keep posting here and good luck.

Thank you for your comment. I don't know where rock bottom would be for him. He had a fit last year and almost died, we struggle with the debt he's incurred and he has his own daughter from a previous relationship who was taken away from him. I fear rock bottom is death! He won't entertain AA and doesn't want me to go to Al-anon as he doesn't agree with their teachings. I've removed all alcohol, found his stashes etc. He's currently passed out next to me from being drunk and when he wakes I'll explain that I won't endanger our kids and he needs to at least try a sober approach for at least a while. Maybe I should just leave. I love hI'm so much and he's such a good man, but I'm so.confused.

I'm also new to this and completely walking in the same shoes as you I'm at a total loss I feel like a let down as I don't know what I'm to do to help my partner I'm really struggling but together we can all support each other

How much does your partner drink? Has he ever tried to stop? Xx

Unfortunately, only they can decide when enough is enough.

It's easy to disagree with AA if you don't want to stop drinking. AA doesn't even want you there if you don't have the desire to quit.

I find it peculiar that he doesn't want you to go to Alanon which would at least give you guidance to handle his drunkeness.

Keep posting in here. It's a great community.

I think it's because he hated AA so much. But I think k it's also because he's worries if I go to a support group I'll be encouraged that no drink is the solution... and he doesn't want to stop. He wants me to facilitate his drinking by believing he has handle on it when he doesn't. He did try to stop.once and he was so depressed it was almost better when he was drunk!

Unfortunately for an alcoholic, rock bottom can be insanity or death but it doesn’t have to be that way. I felt the same way about AA as your partner does but it was because of ignorance on my part.

You are fighting a battle that you cannot win in trying to remove all of his alcohol stash from the house as he will always find a way to get drink. I cannot tell you what to do but maybe he needs a dose of reality that your leaving would bring.

AA is not the only way to get sober but he has to want sobriety for any method to work. My guess is that he is scared that he cannot stop and could not handle life without alcohol. Alcoholism distorts people’s thinking and it can become difficult to separate truth from reality.

You have to consider your own sanity and maybe do what is best for you even if he doesn’t agree.

How can I make him see AA would be good for him? He doesn't want to stop, he can't see his life without it. It's the only thing he truly enjoys I think. I tried leaving before and he drank so much he almost died. I can't do that to him again. I'm hoping I will find solace in this group as he doesn't know I'm on it!

He was sober for a year then relapsed in December last year he had a seizure (alcohol related) in March and he was put on Librium and completely stopped drinking and life was great we were a normal working loving family we have a 9yr old daughter, then summer came and in August he started with a couple of shandys which turned into a few beers and now 5 bottles of wine a day he's a mess x

He's always been a drinker he uses it as a self medicating method rather than facing up to the fact that he has PTSD I suffer from PTSD but I cope and manage myself I'm not a drinker can't stand the morning after so I don't touch it x

Oh he's also done AA it didn't work for him x

You could call AA Central Service Office for your area and ask if they would send a couple of members to talk to him. All they do is tell their own story without lecturing or judging. Sometimes, one alcoholic talking to another can work where all else has failed.

No alcoholic that I have ever met really wanted to stop drinking but once they were faced with the reality of their position, many did just that. However, stopping without addressing the background issues often leads to relapse and that is where AA can be a big help.

I know it is a hard decision to make but you are not responsible for what he does. If you do decide to stay with him, you would be wise to insist on going to Al-Anon meetings because they will teach you how to live with an active alcoholic without going crazy yourself. Talk to him when he is sober and remind him that if you are going to stay together there must be compromises on both sides. Remember too that an alcoholic will promise you anything but those promises will probably be broken very soon. Actions speak louder than words.

Don't ever allow your son to get in the car with a dad who is drinking! There are 20,000 plus deaths every year at the hands of drunk drivers! You want to know what to do? Call the police if your husband ever gets behind the wheel while intoxicated! Don't worry about what your husband will say to you, think of it as saving two lives!

You can clearly see what the alcohol is doing to your husband but LOOK and what his drinking is doing to YOU! You need alot of support for your self and alanon is a great place to find that support. You can google meetings in your area.

I will keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.

God Bless