I don't understand how AA helped Wednesday but Thursday you're drinking wine.

Make AA every day if you need it.

Yah, I had that kind of experience. My best friend wouldn't talk to me and I moved away and became a drunk. It's a long story, but her brother and I were in a car wreck and he was killed, and she blamed it on me (not true) and made my life hell. Never mind what I was going through.

Don't go down that road sweetchick. Somebody ragging on you about your boyfriend is NOT worth getting f'd ip. I'm lucky, but it took a long time and a lot of hard work. Get back up and start over.

Hi jeff needs help. I've been in and out of AA for years and never got the higher power thing. I was brought up in the church and left when I was 35 due to a divorce. I don't really believe in a higher power maybe the power of nature but that's it.
Hey Joline, Thanks so much for your reply. A breakup with a good friend is horrible. I'm not intending to get drunk. I'm over this bottle of wine already. I just have to learn not to let things get to me. Sorry to hear about you and your best friend. I was following your story this morning and it was awesome.

Sweet - I'm not into the God thing.
The higher power is in me.

If ypur truly worried about your health i think a visit to the medical doctor would be in order. I understand getting upset and turning to that old vice. Yoi seem to know what triggered it so now the thing is you need tp find a different way to deal with it. Alcohol only numbs the pain anyway. The problem is still there when you sober up

I'm sorry to hear that you had a relapse but I can relate as I've been off and on the wagon a whole bunch of times myself.

I went 53 days before breaking down and getting drunk but now I'm back on it and up to 18 days.

As I'm sure others have said, you need to deal with the issues between you and your friend in a more healthy way. Try talking to her or someone else about the issues. Drinking only delays dealing with reality, it doesn't make it go away.

Good luck

Rich

I think most alcoholics have experienced alcohols effects and damages that can happen. Might be different from person to person, but it's still variations of the damage of alcoholism. Of course our first reactions can be to drink, but that's the crazy obsession that's developed in us that keeps us drinking, and kills us if we let it.
You need to get out of this and stop drinking. The first thing we do in recovery is stop drinking. how can you fully understand anything when your brains full of alcohol. What I'm finding that can work for me, is just for today I can stop. 24 hours. I can handle that. I don't know about tomorrow or the next day, or next year, and quit frankly at this point I don't even care about it. All I try to do is what I can for today. For now that's enough for me. It's a hell of a lot easier for me. I can handle one day, or sometimes one minute if I need to break it down further.
I think also that you might need to honestly decide if you are an alcoholic. That's the first step of knowing what the problem is, and accepting it. It can be hard, but try looking at the evidence. Pretend that your a judge, and be honest. If so, then you know what's the problem.
The next thing is to learn about it, and what to do. Obviously we need to learn what to do. If we knew we would have done something about it long ago, but we didn't. So we need to ask for help. And it is up to us to take the responsibility to do something. Nobody else can do this for us. They can help and guide us, but if your a real alcoholic like me, your beyond human help. Most likely you've already tried Dr's, phsychatrist, religious people, self help books, counselors, and on and on, but nothing we try ever worked. For myself I firmly believe in the A.A, program, but I still believe that there are other recovery programs that can work too. Find the one that will work for you, then stick with it and try.
In recovery you need to be open minded, and willing to try things that might not make any sense to you. Put away your prejudices and ignorance, and try what they say. If they say the sky is purple, just go along with it and try what they say. You'll never know unless you give it an honest shot. There is recovery when we really try. The only downfall to that is that we usually have to be really beaten up and hurting before we are willing to do that. I really hope that you do try.
You deserve recovery, and you don't need to be doomed to a horrible alcoholic death, which is usually very slow, and full of misery, loneliness, depression, and wishing everyday that you were dead. You deserve better. You are worth it, even if you don't think so, you are. All the best. James

Hello sweetchick,

Unfortunately, where AA is concerned many people are inclined to throw out the baby along with the bathwater. It is so sad and frustrating that it should be that way because the AA approach to recovery from alcoholism is based very much on learning new ways of dealing with people, places and things so that the emotional turmoil that you have described becomes a thing of the past.

I used to have a lot of trouble with what people thought about me and I drank over it. When they didnt say anything bad, I imagined what they were thinking and I drank over that too. When all was well and I felt on top of the world, I drank. I didnt know the real reason why I drank until I went to AA. No, I tell a lie I didnt know why I drank until a sponsor in AA told me.

Im not entirely surprised that you dont get the higher power thing. I only went to AA once so far at least, and I didnt get the higher power thing either and it drove me crazy for a while. I listened to people talking about this handing over business and it just didnt work for me. I didnt know at the time that I was living in a suit of armour that let nothing in or out. There was a barrier between me and the spirit, whatever that spirit may be. It was only through looking at myself through the Twelve Steps with the help of a good sponsor that I managed to put a chink in that shell of steel and let in the light. Ninety meetings in ninety days or even two meetings every day would not do it. Work was required in order to change my way of thinking.

I had no love for AA and it was only as a last resort that I went to meetings. One of the things that drove me there was the sort of stuff that you mentioned, scary stuff happening to my mind and body. I can still recall that strange sensation of being aware of my internal organs as they became scorched by neat whiskey.

For me the problem was so serious that I readily accepted whatever help AA had to offer and whether I agreed with it all or not, there were no arguments. After all, beggars cant be choosers. Maybe you are at the point where you are ready to accept or then again, maybe you have a lot more pain to suffer. The choice is yours but be careful not to throw out the baby with the bathwater.

There's alot of good replies here and I can't add much at this point except I'm wondering if you are keeping the camprell in your system. Earlier you seemed a little forgetful about taking it until you were reminded. Remember it's 2 pills , 3 times a day. If you are like me and can stay sober for 2 or 3 months, you won't need to take it anymore.
If you skip a dose, you may get a craving.

Whatever physical damage your drinking has done can usually be reversed if caught early. Might be a good idea to talk to your doctor again and get him on board with your plans. If he knows you are trying, he will go out of his way to help you.

I hope and pray you can get back on track again. You have been honest and that's a good start.

God Bless

The disease of addiction (including alcoholism) requires us to control everything and everyone around us until we reach a point where our disease has control over us and that is when things start to fall apart. The purpose of a higher power is to accept that there are forces at work in our lives that are beyond us -- both good and bad. I think I had about 90 days sober when I got to Step 3, "I made a decision to turn my will and my life over to God as I understand him". As I began working that step, I came to the conclusion that despite being in and out of churches most of my adult life, I knew nothing about God and no longer trusted churches (or much of anyone or anything) to tell me about God. So I threw out everything I had been taught about God, and I mean everything, and just simply prayed with all my heart that God teach me about Him. And He did -- line upon line, precept upon precept, here a little, there a little. And I began praying everyday, conversations actually, What do you want me to do? Help me here? Just like He was my best buddy which He was and still is. An amazing journey He has taken me on. If you want Him to, He will reveal Himself to you. It is all part of the process. My experience is that those that were unable to find their Higher Power (a force outside yourself), they would rework and rework the steps, and end up relapsing again and again. God is so cool, and so loving, and cares so much for each of us. Only He can fill what I call that "undefined emptiness" in ourselves that we try everything else to fill it with -- booze, drugs, sex, relationships, money, greed, things -- you name it, if it isn't God filling us, everything else is fun for a time but you end up right back where you started -- trying to fill you "undefined emptiness". And just so you know, nearly 18 years later, I'm still working that 3rd step, letting God teach me about God. And in that process, He teaches us about ourselves, and we once again begin to grow as a person -- growth that was stunted by our time of active addiction -- we are designed to change as we grow older. Me, I quit growing at about age 24, stayed the same until I quit drinking at age 40. Since then, I continue to be filled with more and more of God's love in me, and am learning just to pour it out to others. Finding your Higher Power gets yourself out of your head which for me is the most dangerous place to be. God bless everyone, and have a wonderful day today! ~~~ Scottie

Thank you all for your kind replies. I decided to give AA another go and went last night. It was amazing to feel the power in the room. A lot of people had years of sobriety which was really encouraging. I'm willing to try anything now as otherwise I'm headed for a coffin. I know I can't drink anymore. This is my true rock bottom.

Glad you found some comfort in your meeting! Remember all each of us has is the next 24 hours. My sponsor says you can glance back to evalute your decisions, but don't get stuck there.