Oh Honey I have been where you are. I can give you what little advice I have but the truth is I am still battling myself. I am also a functioning alcoholic. I work, pay bills, do everything with my kids and their schools etc. There is not anything that I have done that makes me not think about drinking. I have gone for months at a time, but always end up drinking again. My last drinking binge was last Tuesday. I already want to drink. Tomorrow I am going to an outpatient facility to talk to some people about some treatment options and after that I am heading back to AA. I did really well the last time I quit drinking because I stayed with AA. I knew if I wanted to stay sober I had to continue to go to meetings, the problem was my husband had surgery and couldnt do anything for himself so I ended up not going to meeting for too long and I ended up drinking again. So long story I am sorry but for me the only thing that has helped is AA. Also admitting to my family and friends that I had a problem really helped because then I wasnt hiding the problem anymore. When they didnt know It was easier to get away with drinking when my husband wasnt around. So if you talk to the people who care about you, let them know what your going through and let them give you support, you will be suprised how much easier it will be. Good luck and god bless to you. Keep coming here to talk too. This helps!

Thanks for the reply. I have thought about going to AA but honestly have been too embarrassed and ashamed to go in. I know there will be people like me there and they won't judge me. I guess I always thought AA was for people with a severe problem but now I clearly see alcoholism doesn't discriminate. It does't care what you look like or how well you try and justify it. It's still there. I still have a problem. I have discussed with my best friend that I may have a problem. A lot of people I know would be shocked because I do hide it so well. I never go to work drunk. I usually just drink at home. I am going to do some homework online and try and educate myself on what this is I have.
Thanks again.

Hello inpieces84,

If you really are at breaking point now, you will be prepared to do whatever it takes in order to get sober. Around this time nine years ago, I was where you are now and I will tell you what I did that has enabled me to remain sober since that time.

First of all, like you, I did not know if I was an alcoholic, simply because I did not understand alcoholism. Therefore, it is really important to educate yourself about alcoholism. Once I realised that I really was an alcoholic, I called myself a functioning alcoholic. Then, one day I heard a guy pose the question: “Functioning, compared to what” and I realised that there is no such thing as a functioning alcoholic.

My life revolved around drinking and I gradually cut out all sorts of normal activities in order to be able to drink. When I was not drinking, I was planning how and when I could drink and how I could deceive my wife and other people. Like you, withdrawals were not a problem, because I drank every day. The light was turned on when I went to the first AA meeting and learned that an active alcoholic has an obsession for alcohol. It looks like you too have this mental obsession for alcohol.

An obsession is sometimes described as: “An idea that overshadows and overcomes all other ideas”. Therefore, a person who has an obsession for alcohol will always return to drinking in spite of all of the bad things that happened before and despite making genuine promises not to drink again. Such a person is said to be defenceless against the thinking that leads up to taking the first drink.

I felt the same way about AA as you do now but additionally, I despised the very name of Alcoholics Anonymous. Then it came to breaking point and my choices were quite simple. I could carry on as before and face imminent disaster or I could force myself to go to AA meetings. It was a difficult decision and my imagination of what AA was all about made it doubly difficult. On the way home from attending that first meeting, I felt like someone who had won the biggest lottery draw in the world – a huge weight had been lifted from the shoulders.

Are you prepared to do whatever it takes? If you are, I would suggest going to an AA meeting tonight. That would be a first step towards recovery. Removing the obsession that makes you think about drinking will take a bit more work but that is for another day.

If you are still not sure if you are an alcoholic and you want to find out, all it will take is a simple phone call to your local Alcohol and Substance abuse Center. In the USA, every hospital has one. You can make an appointment, or your pcp can refer you for an evaluation. All they do is ask you alot of questions which will determine if there are any underlying issues triggering your addiction. It will also tell them what kind of treatment will be necessary to heal those issues. In my case, it was discovered that I was self medicating for depression and Ptsd so I had specific counseling and treatment related to healing from those issues which had been emotionally. I had emdr therapy in a group which helped me tremendously but this was just one of many treatments I went through that helped. Alot has been learned about alcoholism in the last 15 years and there are many treatment options available.

So if you are serious about quitting, then have a frank discussion with your doctor who will tell you what your treatment options are based on what is available in your area and what your insurance will cover, or, you can try AA which is free. The 12 steps of AA are very healing. You can get a sponsor who will walk you through them, one at a time.

I had to be willing to allow others to help me stay sober, and it was that letting go of my ego that allowed the pieces of the puzzle of my recovery, come together in the right places at the right time....sure, it was scary at first but looking back on that time, 9 years ago, I am very happy I faced my fears! I have a great life now and I have never been happier. I wish the same for you!

God Bless

Shame and embarrassment should never keep an alcoholic from AA. It's the one place we are safe. AA is a bunch of drunks who have found a solution and a way to stay sober today. AA has shown me a way to a better life. There is purpose in my life today. Try AA, there is no shortage of members willing to show you a path to true freedom and an others-centered life.

I agree with freedom27, it was hard to go into my first meeting no doubt, I know some that sat in their cars for the first few times they drove to the meetings but once you actually go in, the people there make you feel so comfortable and it finally hits you that you are not alone. your not an outcast, there are so many people like you and they are banning together to help each other stay sober and they will help you too! It wont hurt to go to a meeting and check it out, if after your first meeting you dont feel like its the place for you, go to another meeting lol. Seriously. There is a togetherness there. The isolation that alcoholism makes you feel disappears and you realize that you can do it!!!!! God bless

Maybe this will help "If it looks like a duck Walks like a duck. Quacks like a duck. By God, it is a duck.

Thank you all for responding. It's good to hear I am not alone. I have talked about going to meetings before but really have no support system. I know that my drinking started to become a problem when I would use it to self medicate because I couldn't find the right medication for my depression anxiety and insomnia. I have finally found the right medications that balance me out so I have no excuse to drink now. I am on day 2 of not drinking. I have thought about it multiple times today. It has become part of my normal routine. Tomorrow will be a hard day for me because I usually drink after work because I will be off the next day. My psychiatrist says that I am a binge drinker and it's dangerous but never really went past that. I will be looking into meetings and attending them. Do any of you go to church or have a spiritual community you involve yourself in?

The 12 steps of AA are one spiritual path but there are many to choose from. All you have to do is google it: https://www.google.com/search?q=is+there+a+spiritual+path+for+addiction%3F&rlz=1C1CHBF_enUS702US702&oq=is+there+a+spiritual+path+for+addiction%3F&aqs=chrome..69i57.12685j0j7&sourceid=chrome&ie=UTF-8

God Bless

Hi inpieces

I can relate on so many levels. So much good has been shared already in this thread. Do know that's the only requirement for AA membership is a desire to stop drinking. I kept that with me and now, having returned, I'm 100 days sober. For me, I can be in my head a lot; going to meetings helps

Hello, I am sorry to hear about your struggles with drinking, anxiety and insomnia. It’s understandable that as you stated this started in your twenties and has become part of your life when you have problems with your relationship. I know it will help if you seek help with your drinking. I would suggest you research online local AA support groups in your area. I’m not sure if you are considered an alcoholic but talking to someone will help you. I know you mentioned you have anxiety this can be caused or worsen with drinking also it doesn’t help insomnia. I have listed some tips below that may help you to stop drinking.
1.Take a time-out- Practice yoga, listen to music, meditate, get a massage, learn relaxation techniques. Stepping back from problems helps clear your head.
2.Limit caffeine and alcohol if you drink these- these trigger panic attacks. Drink Water.
3.Exercise daily- makes you feel good and maintains your health.
4.Slowly count to 10- Repeat and count to 20 if necessary.
5.Accept that you cannot control everything
6.Give back to your community- Volunteer. This creates a support network and gives you a break from everyday stress.
7.Talk to someone-vent and let them know you need help. Friends, family, doctor, therapist
8.Eat well-balanced meals- Do not skip meals and eat energy boosting snacks.
9.Take deep breathes- Inhale and exhale slowing throughout the day when you are feeling stressed.
10.Do your best- Instead of aiming for perfection which is not possible. Be proud of how close you get.
11.Maintain a positive attitude- Replace negative thoughts with positive thoughts.
12.Learn what triggers your anxiety- Is it work, family, relationship or school or something else you can identity?. Write in a journal and look for a pattern.
13.Continue to seek help online

I was in the same position you are, feeling like there is a problem with my drinking but not motivated to quit. I stopped here and there for a few days and then started up again (home drinker). Well, my liver decided to take a dive last summer (decreased appetite, weight loss, yellowing eyes), ending this April with acute pneumonia (liver could no longer process fluid out of my body) and then respiratory failure which put me in ICU for 9 days with a 25-50% chance of survival. Please don't let that be a deciding factor for you as well! I have been sober 65 days now and am in intensive Outpatient women's group 12 hours a week. Please look into it - there is are so many resources available! I went in rather resentful but am learning to accept the help let go of my imagined shame what I viewed as weakness. I really feel like a changed person and am now also starting counseling with an MFCC. The further I remove myself from alcohol the more I am realizing I was using it in part to numb trauma from my past as are most of the other women in my group.

Wow Recov67 that has really opened my eyes and has always been one of my biggest fears...and yet I keep doing it. Today was a stressful day at work for me and I am off work tomorrow as I stated before but I am not drinking. I am usually about 8 beers deep. I would always time how much I can drink in an hours time and keep counting how many I have left. Hell, If I ran out I would just go get more. So stupid. I haven't drank in 3 days. That doesn't sound like much and honestly I was worried if I could handle today without drinking. I have thought about it many times, counting down the time until I'm off work. No withdraws so far. What are some of everyone's withdraw symptoms? Mine usually feels like an anxiety attack. My mind keeps replaying, drink, drink, drink, and my heart starts racing. This usually lasts 2-3 minutes multiple times a day.

Hang in there! and remember if you slip don't do what my habit was which was "might as well keep drinking." Prior to the scary 16 day hospital stay I would have withdrawal symptoms like increased anxiety, sleeplessness, yucky shaky feeling and what I can only describe at a drastically increased "fight or flight" reflex as alcohol plays havoc on your cortisol levels. Alcohol calmed all of those down, BUT my bilirubin was very elevated as was my ammonia levels in the end. Not that this was a good thing ( AT ALL) but while I was an in induced coma with a breathing tube my body detoxed so I skipped the part where I had that as an excuse to drink. Now I get to deal with the real core of my addiction which is deeper than I thought (as I think it is for any addict). It is no longer an option! If you have good insurance you should check out your providers and see if there is a good program/counselor that is covered. If not there are tons of free support groups! :) Alcohol is empty calories, a money pit and it destroys your internal organs. I don't need a transplant or have cyrrhosis, but my enlarged liver and spleen could take 1-2 years to recover, anemia, edema (retained fluid) in my right foot that I have to manage and portal hypertension, which is increased pressure on the main vein going into my liver. If I had only known... :(

Pieces, I hope you used the off day to go to an AA meeting.

Your story is like mine. I worked, paid my bills, was an attentive enough father and husband. But I had an obsession of the mind to drink. In fadt, I still do. But early 4 years sober, I'm not going to drink because I have the tools and the insight to know that alcohol just destroys me.

Try an AA meeting. Your story will be worse than some, better than most, but you will be surrounded with people who not only have the same brain wiring as you, relating to alcohol, but will have triumphed over it.

True intoxicatjon for me now, is being around a group of sober people who are richer, happier, and healthier sober than they ever were drunk.