I am finding that my sobriety is a deeply personal thing. The torrent of emotions at the start to the calmer thoughts now can be felt by me of course but it’s difficult to put into words for another to understand. Saying to someone; ‘I’m a different person than the one I used to be’ when we are that person to them can be hard to get. You want to have them just reach inside so you can say ‘see, it’s not how it used to be ‘ The amends I have made so far have been received warmly by some and coolly by others. That’s out of my hands. Express yourself honestly with no expectations. A letter may be best. I’m old fashioned. Maybe try not to gush everything but be simple and clear. Ask if you could meet for coffee as you have something important to say. Please remember that you are a work in progress and be kind to yourself. What will be will be.

I forgave myself for the things I had done to myself and others while under the influence, and I forgave myself for holding on to all that guilt, for doing so.


There is a right time and place for everything and I always found the best time to make amends with someone was after a considerable amount of time had gone by. Otherwise I would leave it to my Higher Power.

Here is a simple prayer which helps in letting go of guilt.

"""Take this from me and look upon it, judging it for me.
Let me not see it as a sign of sin and death, nor use it for destruction.
Teach me how NOT to make it an obstacle to Peace,
But let YOU use it for me, to facilitate it's coming."""

God Bless

We are what we tell ourselves we are... I used to have a constant tape , I’m an idiot, I’m such a loser, I feel soooo bad, etc. it is rooted in self abandonment issues. The solution is to reprogram the thoughts. I now consciously tell my self I’m worth it. I am a good person. But the real help is when I do things to help others.

I get self esteem by doing esteemable acts

Make an effort todo some good. You will respect yourself.

As for the wrong, write a letter and express what you did, how it was wrong, and how you are trying to be a better person now. Put it in an envelope and then go somewhere safe and burn it. Middle of a parking lot or a fireplace or a fire pit. Let it burn and with the smoke release the pain. It’s past and so it’s not real. The only thing real is the present moment. Get to living and don’t have so much remorse and self loathing. Ask the spirits of the universe to help. Ask a clergy. Just decide that you are ready to move on. And then get busy doing something new. Volunteer. Just hold the door open for an old lady or man. Do good feel good

1is2many

I completely understand how you’re feeling. I can share my experience and maybe it helps. It took my friend four years to actually speak to me again. And it was very far and few in between for almost a year, and now we speak a few times a week. Even though I had sorry, I need to prove I was different. My ex always remained friends me throughout the whole thing, after a year of sobriety we started dating again.. we never fought everything was perfect , but he told me he just couldn’t get over how I acted in the past and couldn’t see a future with me so we broke up. We still remained great friends. Then I have a few friends who haven’t spoken to me in five years. I know it hurts, I would definitely send the email Incase he did block you because it’s worth a shot. You could be surprised. But also be ready to not get a response. And if you don’t you just have to let the guilt go. And who knows, like I said it took four years for my friend to finally reach out and say it’s okay. He still throws it in my face occasionally, because I know he is still hurt but I just apologize and say I know and move on.

Anyways, hope this gives you some hope. Sometimes people just need a lot of time and you need to be patient, and others I think you just have to know you made a mistake you unfortunately can’t fix and you just have to let it be and go on and live your life and just don’t make that mistake again with anyone else.

Making amends is still something I'm trying to figure out how to do. I think its good that you tried to apologize. Even if that person doesn't reply, you still put in the effort. They might be hesitating to reply after your text. Some conversations are so hard to have.

I used to be awful about beating myself up over every mistake and bad choice. Then I decided that was counter productive for me. Instead, I focused on trying to make better choices going forward. I still struggle with that, but I just remember one day, one hour or hell even one minute at a time.

Just my thoughts :) I don't know if that helps, but I hope that you are able to find support on here.

I’d say get deeper into your program before doing an early Step 9.

This has been an area of challenge for me as well. Damaged relationships are painful and can make us feel terrible. If you have reached out with no response, I would say give it some time, Unfortunately there are some relationships that end and the only things you can take away from them are the good memories and a lessons learned that you don't want to repeat. If the friendship is meant to be, you will find resolution. I would focus on yourself and nurturing healthy relationships in your life and let go of what you cannot change.

Hi tinydancer02
Sorry for these things, We sometimes wish we could go back and hit
a Rewind button and then Undo button life isnt like this right? Instead we
learn that it is precious,fragile, delicate,fleeting,
Of all the things that becomes broken when we are out of balance with
ourselves in life that pays the Highest Price is OURSELVES,Hopefully you
have embarked on the journey of discovering why you chose that course
at the time since the reasons are usually deep rooted,Hurt people turn
around and hurt other people,
Usually when we turn to any addiction or repetitive destructive behavior,
It has not happened TO you it has happened FOR you,There was something
you needed to be delivered from in your physical,mental or spiritual life
and you had to travel all--------------the------------------way down this
winding road to bring you to a place of awakening, Your sobriety should
have been an awakening to the key to your Inner Peace, The alcohol was a mask you wore to disguise you from yourself in a terrible tailspin to find
your balance-your Inner Peace,
So heres the deal- yes you probably said some things to him while you were
inebriated and from what I know alcohol makes you tell the truth alot like
you dont hold back so alot of times the friend you hurt aint hurt because of
what you said but rather hurt because there may have been some truth to
some stuff and now they had to go an unravel their own hidden demons,
Long story short no one here is perfect, Your friend knows this,
If you are sincere and you put your heart out on the platter and hey no response- you shall not be affected my friend you are free, you have done the work, you have faced your own madness and the one that does not forgive does not heal so he has become his own obstacle his own blockage,
Peace Love Light
Reflect these thank you so much for sharing!!!.
Hugs Hugs Hugs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <3 much love

I divorced my alcoholic husband last year after 12 years of a terribly abusive relationship. Although I loved him, he was terrible to me, all the while I co’ntinued to love him and beg him to get help. I had to block his number because he continued to hurt me. I’m not ready for an apology from him because it’s still so fresh. I figure the only reason he would ever do this is if he gets sober. It’s too late for us. I agree with someone above - write a letter if it helps you - and then destroy it.

For this step my sponsor told me it is about cleaning up my side of the street more than people forgiving me. If I have guilt over things I have done it could damage my sobriety. For my amends I had no expectations and just simply told other what I was sorry for and hoped that through my actions I could show them I had changed. I also was told it is good to look back at those mistakes but don’t stare at them too long. We can’t change the past but the future is in our hands.

Sometimes the amends we make involves leaving the person alone. He’s made it quite clear he wants no communication with you. Also when making amends, I didn’t blame the booze for my behavior. I simply acknowledged I was wrong and was making changes to become a better person. Most of the people actually forgave me.on the spot.

You will be amazed by just taking responsibility for your behavior. You will also feel better by being honest. Godspeed on your journey.

Hello tinydancer02,

I would like to start out by saying congratulations on your sobriety. It is people such as yourself that inspire and motivate me to continue on my own journey through sobriety. So thank you for sharing a piece of your story.

First off, the best apology is changed behavior. No one forgets what was done, but it puts you on the right path for the ultimate readiness of forgiving yourself for what has happened in the past.

Amends has been difficult for me, but somehow I have managed to make them no matter what my brain says. This is one area where I find the AA book to be a little outdated, as some other members of my group believe if you can't do it face to face, you shouldn't worry about it at all. I disagree. I think we have so many options for communication, that we should use them. I have also made an amend over text (they live several hours away), which I know the other person read but never replied. I put myself in their shoes, and see that perhaps I would not be so trusting of myself after all of the stuff that I put them through. However, I know that I was genuine and I know that they saw it. That was enough for me.

I have one rule; if it keeps me awake at night, then I need to handle it. And life has a funny way of opening up opportunities for me. For example, I went out for breakfast last week. And a few moments later, someone I care for deeply but was very afraid to be around due to shame came into the restaurant. I instantly told myself I wasn't leaving without apologizing to him, and I took the opportunity when his friend went to pay the bill. I was terrified, but I did it. And that's the promise we have to make ourselves; when the opportunity arises, we must take it. Because we never know if we will have tomorrow.

As was brilliantly mentioned in the above posts, don't just apologize to people. Start doing good for strangers and loved ones alike. Good deeds build our confidence as much as the rebuilding relationships. And the connections and opportunities that are available around us all the time, are there for a reason. Take it for yourself.

And last of all, forgive yourself. Know that you did your best, and that's all you can do. Yes, you will be disappointed or feel rejected at times, but at least you did your part. Your side of the street is the only side you can clean up.

Thank you again for sharing. Sending many blessings your way.