Wise words Finally, I will certainly do some reading,thank you. Just feeling lethargic today, but last night carp really hit the fan !!!! Son back on heroin big time, I always have a little stash under the mattress for emergencies and I have a lock on the bedroom door, never invite temptation and with drugs money is the lifeblood of addiction. 10 X the cost of alcohol. Hubby told him to go and rightly so. This morning he asked me nicely and kindly to not let it affect me and my yearn to be the person I was. Basically don't f### up the good work. I am determined I won't do that. Why would I "Is it going to affect sons division's ' 18 yrs of injecting and the only vein left to go in is in the neck. Blood clots in the groin and injects blood thinners into his tummy daily. Will we lose him, most definitely. Will I relapse back to the miserable drinker I was, I won't. Would it help him if I did, nope. I can only save me and he can only save himself, but a big motivating factor is my beautiful grandson who lives with me. Hubby going to finish work early today and we are going to the beach, raining on and off but so what, then we will stand in the socially distancing queue for a take out fish and chips (very English dish) and come home and snuggle up on the sofa and watch a film the grandson wants to watch. While I am obviously anxious, I know there is nothing I can do so I choose to do a positive thing not a negative. X

Some of my fondest memories are rainy beach days. Less people, more space. The ocean has a wilder quality that feels untamable.
My 28 year old daughter has struggled with addiction also. Been on the methadone program for three years but it’s just prolonging what she needs to do. Get clean. I went to a few meetings with her and I think she appreciated the support. Once the world opens up I intend to continue. We call and message daily to let her know she’s in our hearts and that’s about all I can do.
To really change, you have to reach the point of ‘I’ve had enough!!’ I don’t know when that will be for her.
That tiredness will ease up. Your body just needs time to reboot. Healthy meals and movement will help.

My friend just lost his son due to drugs in the last 3 weeks. It is the most painful thing. He is a fantastic father who always put his son first. Always.. put his son first.

How’s it going Kaza? Just reminding you that this decision to let alcohol go is going to be the best you’ve ever made. The first month is hardest. When you get through this habit breaking phase you will find that alcohol wasn’t such a big deal.

Considering I haven't seen my son for 3 days, which is not unusual but because of his health issues it is causing me anxiety and loss of sleep, I am not resorting to pouring alcohol down my neck. Very little withdrawal symptoms now, I wonder how many times I had a drink when I was just anxious and not really in withdrawal. I do crave a drink when I am anxious which is a few times a day but I recognise its anxiety and make myself busy or read something interesting. Weather is really bleak here right now so spending quite some time in the house. Ordered some stuff from the internet, yes it was retail therapy lol My grandson keeps me grounded and has witnessed him going as awol many times so doesn't seem to be upset by it although he is unaware of how serious his he a l th problems are. I am eating very very healthy and taking a multivitamin, but sleep is quite an issue. I read until I am going to nod off, switch off the kindle and 5 mins later ZING I am wide awake. I think along with anxiety this might be lack of alcohol. Finally Methadone is a horrible drug, I know a guy who has been on 120mils for 8 years then relapsed back to heroin. He hated being on meth, it made him tired. It is a very cheap sticking plaster and they find it in the fat globules in the body years after they have stopped taking it.. Although very preferable to heroin. We have a big problem in this city and very poor recovery services. My one day at a time mantra is now a two sided coin, my alcohol intake would have soared in the past, hubby would be angry and stay in the bedroom or go out, now we curl up on the sofa and watch some tv. Keep praying for me guys. X

Sounds like you’re doing ok. One day at a time:) One of Many perks of unit free is that the new relationship with my wife allowed us to find an intimacy that we didn’t know we had. It’s beautiful how our friendship and being family has come together. Taking care of myself has given me such a healthy lifestyle so I have more energy to want to do healthy things. We live in a beautiful historic town with 80% of the fields and forest protected wildlife life refuge and watersheds. The mouth of the Connecticut River is a few miles away and we launch the sea going two person kayak for a paddle. Anyway I’m taking about appreciating life. There’s a local author who’s book is called 10% happier. About meditation. I like the truth of the title cause it says ‘look this practice of taking a little self time isn’t going to change everything but isn’t even a little improvement worth the effort? Sobriety is the same for me. I mean I’m not saying I’m blissed out all the time, I do have more moments of real clarity that help me navigate. I’ll Never give that up. If we had news that a comet was heading to Earth in a month I still wouldn’t want to drink. And miss so many moments of knowing myself, not a chance.
There’s a little tug that our recovery is selfish somehow. It’s not. Actually it’s being more responsible for ourselves and that inner strength helps everything.
I love the freedom of knowing that I will always be sober. It makes me available.
I worry about my daughter a lot and at the same time I am not allowing it to break me. Instead I help when I can on good choices but not enable the poor ones. Setting a better example and she sees that I’m serious about my clean lifestyle.
Well that’s enough for now lol. Off for a hike.

No way is recovery selfish, the addiction is because it impacts negatively on your immediate family, from too tired to help with homework, to too tired make dinner. I had a good day today if I take my awol son out of the equation. The weather improved and I spent hours in the garden planting annual flowers and weeding, now I am no gardener but its going to be my new hobby, its so therapeutic, will still keep the gardener to cut grass and trees etc. I'm really having problems sleeping, I should be whacked yet here I am at 1am wide awake, is this normal ????

I would say yes, trouble sleeping is normal when you're trying to "re-set" your brain from expecting alcohol. My brain absolutely hated me for denying it what it was accustomed to. The body also. Both were like, "OK, where is it? You know what we want; so WHERE IS IT?????? I just kept repeating, "shut up; you're not getting any more". Sometimes aloud. Hey, I live alone; I'm allowed to talk to myself. When I got angry or upset, I used to run for the bottle. I have since figured out that it's OK to be angry or upset. I'll get over it. Hang in there; you'll make it.

Thank you for the vote of confidence Fritz. The old saying 'Idle Hands Do The Devils Work' rings true. I had old friends visit me today and for a whole 3 hrs I never thought of wine !!! I am going to get busy redesigning and ordering a new kitchen. I never knew there was some many cream range cookers lol , that took care of the rest of the day. The weather is improving and with lockdown easing I will be taking the grandson out. My wayward son is still missing so yes I still have anxiety but I realise that alcohol didn't really stop the anxiety it just made me sleep and create more ill feeling within the home. I keep wishing to turn the clock back and have the last 18 years to live again but hey ho not possible. So I am looking forward not backwards. X

I normally sleep as soon as I want and wake up to exercise first thing. However the first 4 months of abstinence I was an insomniac. I swear it was 3-4 hours a night. Although I was in pain also so it’s hard to separate them. I guarantee that if I had been drinking the sleep would have overcome the pain. And I had heightened anxiety as I had the blinders off to see how much work I had before me.
My anxiety is much better now. Sleep well again too.
I’m really impressed you are doing this amazing job. I have the sense (observing posts here and meetings with my daughter) that not many people pull it off.
To me that makes it all the more important to keep my choices on the light side. I’ve been in dark places over the years and I don’t miss that.
My wife has Severe issues with sleep. I don’t know how she keeps going to be honest. Hoping it’s a hormonal/ change thing and she’ll balance eventually. She loves when I read to her and she’ll sleep until the second I close the book. The audio books would help but it’s hard finding a voice she’s comfortable with.
Going to try recording when I read and put it on a loop:)

Oh the dreaded menopause. If you get the menopause you deserve I must have been wicked when I was young. My DH called me ' The menopausal Maniac' I still get night time hot flashes at 61.. 4 hrs seems to be my limit with sleep atm. It's not enough but I can't nap during the day, the grandson keeps me busy.. I am still getting a little shakes in my hands, is this normal. Not always just sometimes. X

Hang in there, Kaza1. If your shaking is withdrawal related, it will subside in time. I expect my brain and body to hate me for as long as they see fit to punish me (like the spoiled children they are; like I'm going to give in for THEM). Have you considered asking your doc for HRT to help with hot flashes? I can understand being upset about your son, but falling back into the bottle will not help him; you know that. So where are you in the tapering process?

I quit when I got down to 2 and a half drinks or 4 UK units. That was 8 days ago, but taper was pretty quick, I had tried the slow taper to help the Brain adjust and also because I need to function looking after grandson, but it never worked. Nightime hot flashes don't bother me enough to take HRT. Plus breast cancer in the family so Drs are not keen to prescribe. I am feeling a little better everyday but lose my train of thought sometimes and say 's hat was I talking about' I really thought no alcohol, back to normal. X

What’s normal? I had a few months where I was spacey and that cleared up on its own. I had a little problem with sugar for a year. HAD to have a doughnut and some chocolate every day. I have since stopped and feel much better. There’s a good bit of sugar in alcohol and our bodies become reliant on it. I had also increased coffee to about 4 cups a day and that doesn’t work for me. Two months without caffeine now and I love the extra energy and clarity.
Walking saves me. The blood flowing and fresh air in my lungs is my new addiction:) inside exercise too when the weather isn’t ideal. Haven’t missed a walk in two years though so I guess I don’t mind inclement.
Fair well... check in tomorrow

Best of luck to you. Personally, I have a very addictive personality and was never successful when trying to cut back on ANYTHING. I don't want a piece of chocolate cake, I want the entire cake! You try and see what happens. Never give up and never be afraid to ask others for help, because you have absolutely nothing to be ashamed about if you cannot successfully cut back on your own. I like how Bob in Maine says that there are deeper issues causing you to self medicate. Take an honest look at yourself and examine your feelings. That will help either way. I have over 5.5 years sober and I LOVE my new life.