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Asked to hear a 5th step

Taradactyl
Taradactyl
A lady I've only spoken to a few times approached after a mtg to discuss issues she is having with her sponsor. It sounded liked she was making excuses but I entertained the conversation. She asked if would hear her 5th if her sponsor wasn't available. "I trust you" she says. I don't trust her or her motives. She has had long term sobriety and recently came back and has maybe 4 months now.

I thought I am supposed to do what I think is the right thing and I am not this is a good idea. Maybe it is a god thing. This woman is a cryer and an overt pity seeker. She is going to be sorely disappointed if she is looking for me to entertain that. I may not be the most sensitive to her because I don't trust HER.

It's just weird. I have been a little out of it this week starting some new meds and I was going to explain to her that my head wasn't clear enough to do this, but I am starting to feel better and need to stay honest, so I'm not sure how to handle this.

Any advice? My sponsor said to pray about it and I don't have a clear answer yet.
deleted_user
deleted_user
You know whats best for you. If you dont trust her it will be hard to be objective. You wouldnt know BS from the truth as far as she is concerned. Suggest that her sponsor do the job. Offer your support and friendship but I'd steer away from someone thats trying to dodge her responsibility.
Greg
paulokes
paulokes
Few things spring to mind - stay on the firing line of life, be in the place where you can be of maximum service, act the good samaritan very day...how about you may be allowing him to be dishonest? These simple rules aren't always so simple!!

Has made you feel uncomfortable though, I can identify with that. It sounds as though a plan is being made by this person. Comfortable enough to gain their confidence, ask them what and why? Perhaps just their own neurotic worries.

You might be able to be helpful without necessarily doing what they're asking you to do.
paulokes
paulokes
Reminds me - before AA I don't think I had ever truly asked for help, was always asking for very specific kinds of help (or favours!). Always in control...
nickyj18022002
nickyj18022002
I think I would be telling her to sort out her problems with her current sponsor. We tend to have difficulty in relationships and run away to someone else instead of trying to resolve in a healthy way.
okiyoe1
okiyoe1
I'd say No!! Sponsorship requires a sense of letting Go and just witnessing. How can one do that if they need to come here and ask our advice!!

"Freelance AA" lol is just that a stepping stone:( To which direction I don't know ...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hk3mAX5xdxo
Taradactyl
Taradactyl
I don't get what you mean billy. I am not this woman's sponsor. I think she has some ulterior motive in asking me to do this. My service to her may be to say no and explain why.
okiyoe1
okiyoe1
A general statement Anna!!I'd say No! again :) Explanations are tricky business I Think.

A matter of life and death for many of us ...Melodramatic? or a honest appraisal..
Billy
stickywick
stickywick
Tough one. I'd just say no. You arent her sponsor, you havent worked the first 4 steps with her. I don't think you owe her an explanation, as that might just add to her drama.
I found this useful:

http://www.sober.org/Step5.html
whozbop
whozbop
I agree with sticky. You have not worked the 1st 4 steps with her. My first thought when I read this was " Ok, I would need to work the steps 1-4 with her. Then see her response. Plus as was mentioned we come into the rooms without good relationship skills. The other key issue is she is just coming back off of a relaspse. My litmus for sponsoring peope was this statement: I do not accept excuses for not getting to meetings. This was to test there willingness.I would say 3 out of 5 women found someone else to sponsor them. You may want find you owe way to test her motives. I hope this give you some insight. I also believe it is a good idea to follow our first thought. Since we have a better and clearer way of thinking now.
gjm
gjm
Best advice I can give is if it doesn't feel right don't do it, doesn't matter if it pertains to this or anything else.
blueviolet725
blueviolet725
I agree with sticky.
Follow your gut. it is a dis-service to her because you don't want to be there, and for the same reason to yourself. Take care of you.
Taradactyl
Taradactyl
When she originally asked I said yes because we were sitting with a group of people and I didnt want to discuss it then. We tentatively said we'd get together tomorrow but I gave her my num and asked her to call me to discuss it which she hasn't done.

I am fairly certain the correct answer is no. Thanks everyone for the input.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I say no as well... here's how I see the 5th step... getting guidance from someone on the part we play. There's a pattern that emerges from our 4th step that can be clear to a sponsor or someone who has been there, done that that can be pointed out to the person doing their 5th.

It's not just about dumping our shit and moving on.
billwfriend
billwfriend
here we have people or a person who would never hear a fifth step...he had a go to guy who was a very good person to give the fifth step to...I did that with him and learned a whole new perspective on step five....prayers before and specific questions involved in step five.....but if you have not got comfort with this one person and are not known as the go to person for step five I might tell them to seek a priest of someone who is better prepared to hear the fifth step from them....hugs bill
m8bear
m8bear
I went on a 'Came to Believe' retreat where it was expected that I did all 12 steps in a weekend and 'chose' someone to hear my 5th there (I had already done the steps with a sponsor). I chose not to participate as I did not want to 'just do it'. There was disappointment yet this is my sobriety.

I was told very early on that I had choice over who I did my 5th with, my sponsor at the time did not 'expect it'. However, by then, I could not have imagined doing it with anyone else as I had grown with my sponsor and I thought this part of the process for me.

However, sure, you can choose who you want to do your 5th with...as you say though, motives are important, both yours and hers.
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