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Alcoholic partner drinking while taking Antabuse

lorraine71
lorraine71

Hello, I'm a newbie here and at the end of my tether... My partner is alcoholic and I've been through it all with him, beginning of this year his drinking reached danger point, he stopped going to work, was drinking having seizures and basically spending every penny he had in drink... I decided to out him out my house as I didn't want my children around this any more as his drinking ruined Christmas, new year and days out for my family.... to cut a long story short... this seemed to be the wake up call he needed, he wanted help and asked for help, so I took him while drunk a lot of the time to doctors, psychiatrists and hospitals and he was eventually put on a detox programme, he seemed to do really well and last month got put on Antabuse, initially he was doing really well, but recently i noticed he was disappearing into my garage and his face would be flushed and his eyes total blood shot, sonyed he is drinking again, and lying and hiding his drink, last night it came to a head as again I noticed the reaction on him to the Antabuse, asked for my garage keys and he refused to give me them, he's lying telling me he has t been drinking then saying it was one beer but still refused to give me my garage keys..... so I ended up parking my car up against the garage and moving my car so he can't move it back and get access... this is my house and the children se mine, I took him in when he was rock bottom and going through a court case due to his drinking, he has twice lost his Licsence .. of course after I confronted him last night he turns the tables on me, I'm the worst girlfriend ever, I know nothing.. I should also mention he attends AA meetings most evenings and which he expects me to take him to and from... which I was happy to do.. but now I realise he's drinking while getting all this support I am at my wits end and ready to give up on him... anyone been through similar or can help me move forward.... sorry for massive post 

PJ54
PJ54
Hello lorraine71,

Your partner seems to be in denial about his alcoholism and until that changes, neither Antabuse, AA meetings nor anything else is likely to get him sober. As I see it, the big question for you is, do you stay with him through all of this, or would you be better off cutting your losses and moving on without him.

If you decide to continue in the relationship, it would benefit you greatly to attend Al-Anon meetings where you can learn from other people who are dealing with the same problem. You cannot fix your partner’s drinking problem but you can learn to look after yourself. Obviously, one of the most important considerations here must be the safety and well-being of your children.

There is also a forum here on DS for wives of alcoholics but I am not sure about how useful it is.

https://www.dailystrength.org/group/wives-of-alcoholics
lorraine71
lorraine71
Thank you for your reply, and for the link to the forum for alcoholics wives. Im really at a cross roads and myself attending a counsellor as i got so wrapped up in helping him that i put my own life on hold, i was at uni studying psychology. I feel trapped and used, if i put him out he has nowhere to go and no funds to find anywhere, i just feel so helpless atm
PJ54
PJ54
What you have described is exactly what happens to the partners of active alcoholics. In trying to do your best, you may actually be contributing to the problem through no fault of your own.

You have put your own life on hold, have given up your college course, feel trapped and used and I bet that is only part of the story. None of this has convinced your partner that he needs to honestly address his alcohol problem so what have you achieved by making those sacrifices? What if, instead of constantly cleaning up your partner’s mess, you stood back and put the responsibility back on him? It is natural to try to convince him to stop drinking, but trying to reason with an alcoholic is a useless exercise. Rather than listen to what you say, he is more likely to accuse you of nagging him and use that as another excuse to drink.

Maybe you should let your partner drink as much as he wants and let him live with the consequences. Just make sure that the money he is spending is not what you and the children need in order to survive. If you put him out and he has nowhere to go, that is not your fault or responsibility. You feel trapped and helpless right now and that suits your alcoholic partner just fine as he can carry on without consequences.

You have some very difficult decisions to make and I wish you all the best. As you say, you are at a crossroads so please choose wisely. God’s guidance can be a big help in situations like this.
lorraine71
lorraine71
Thank you for your response. What you say makes so much sense. In my head i know i cant have him live here for my children and family to witness the consequences of his drinking. So far today ive been verbally abused, threatened to punch my face in, told me i was a horrible evil person, all because i told him i had no interest in talking to him while he spoke to me in the tone in which he was. Normally i take myslef out my own house for space, but no i dont see why i should
Community Leaderbobinmaine
bobinmaine
There is a very fine line between helping and enabling as alcoholics have to hit a low before they will except help. This post reminds me of something my counselor said to me while I was in out patient treatment, "We can through everything at you but the kitchen sink, the rest is up to you!"

You need alot of support for yourself and alanon is a great place to find that support, You can google meetings in your area. In the meantime, I think it is time to give him another "wake up call"!

God Bless
lorraine71
lorraine71
Thank you, last tiem his wake up call was me putting him out, and it got to the stage he was at the homeless centre, that was when he woke up so to speak, but now only 2 months on, he is slipping back to his old ways of lying and hiding drink, like i said to him this morning, its not one beer or 10 beers, its the lying and deceit.
lorraine71
lorraine71
.
Thank you, last time his wake up call was me putting him out, and it got to the stage he was at the homeless centre, that was when he woke up so to speak, but now only 2 months on, he is slipping back to his old ways of lying and hiding drink, like i said to him this morning, its not one beer or 10 beers, its the lying and deceit
Kevin105
Kevin105
Lorraine, you have to think of you and your children first. From what you describe, it seems obvious that this guy is going to have to hit rock bottom in order to change. Protect yourself and get him out of your home until he is able to work out his problem. Alcohol is controlling his life and he's already shown no appreciation for the fact that you've put a roof over his head, etc. The threats and verbal abuse would be the last straw for me. Yes, alanon can help those families in recovery, but your guy has is still deep into the throes of addiction and a threat to you and your family.
jeffneedshelp
jeffneedshelp
Keep him out and move on. He can't love you or your kids without loving himself.

He's sick and he is in a bad place. Exposing your kids to that will only affect them.
lorraine71
lorraine71
Thank you for everyone who has taken time to reply to me. Today has been a bad day, he went to pup...swore he had 2 shandies, although i know he is lying, when i came in he was drinking cider and has now just drank his way through 6 bottles of budwisers... How the heck is he managing this while on antabuse? I cannot even describe how i feel right now, im angry, upset and feel totally lost used and confused... I also feel trapped and hurt as he is calling me some chice names, because i told him i did not want a life with him and alcohol, if this wasnt my house id leave, i tried to talk to his adult son, but he thinks what his dads doing is ok and cant see why its not....... I suppose i feel stupid also for beleiving in him.... My birthday this weekend too, he ruined christmas and new year and his own birthday, so looks like mine is next.... thank you for all your support
vsimog
vsimog
Hi there. I know how difficult it must be for your partner to stop drinking. But fortunately for me, someone helped me quit forever and no more cravings in only 6 days.
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