Hello Itzpeter93,

Sadly, you cannot force your wife or anyone else to change their way of living, even if they are clearly on the wrong course and headed for disaster. Alcoholism is a condition that convinces the sufferer that he or she does not have it. Only when such a person hits some sort of rock bottom will they become willing to face reality. Even though alcohol is classified as a depressant, it does work up to a point in making people feel relaxed and happy – it works until it stops working.

What you can do is to plant the seed that will hopefully some day convince your wife to take a look at her life and take action. Lecturing to a person with a drinking problem is a useless exercise that will achieve nothing so obviously, some other approach is required. The biggest obstacle to recovery from alcoholism is ignorance as few people understand the condition or how to deal with it. I am not sure how you can convince your wife to take an interest in the subject but all of the required information is contained in the video at the link below.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CMC62Y_5dyE

I know it must suck watching her commit a slow suicide with the bottle, but there is almost nothing you can do to help her, outside of an intervention. She has to want help, be willing to accept help, and ask for help for her problem! As long as she is comfortable where she is, she won't be motivated to get that help!

You see what the alcohol is doing to her, but look at what her drinking is doing to YOU! You need alot of support for yourself and alanon is a great place to find that support. It is for friends and family of alcoholics. I highly recommend. I am truly sorry you are hurting right now but I will keep you both in my thoughts and prayers.

God Bless

Her drinking isn't doing anything to him.

His own codependency is doing it to him.

As I stated on the B & D board, she's got a right to drink, dye her hair purple, whatever unless shes breaking the law, just like everyone else.

I'm tired of codependent people who try to fix and control the other guy.

How is her drinking not doing anything to him if she is"actively seeking other men"while drunk? She's married.Hello.Her husband is looking out for her not trying to control her.She is an alcoholic and needs help.

She may very well want another man. We don't know her motivations. This is what he's telling us. His side of the story.

If she is in fact exhibiting these behaviors he can discuss it with her (sounds like he has) but he can't change her.

She may not want to be "fixed"

His problem is he married her and is trying to change her.

If she was over weight and he was complaining about that he'd be accused of abuse and fat shaming.

He can't make her change. He can spend the rest of his life complaining and trying and he'd just be another codependent.

His option is to leave if a discussion about their differences can't work it out.

And HELLO, she's young and married and has said she's not happy.

People go outside their marriages for many reasons.

Maybe he shouldn't be married to someone who doesn't want to settle down.

True.It's just too bad that he has to go through this at such a young age.

And you don't know if she's an alcoholic or not abcdefg.

Everyone who parties isn't.

That's for her and her doctor/therapist to decide.

When she wants to make changes, she'll be posting.

Itzpeter93 You need to focus on how you can make things better for yourself:)

@ dandelion when we first meet she didn't drink much all the changes where she says shes not happy happen once she started drinking . you are right every one has the right to drink i believe so also its her choice which is why i filled for divorce i made that my choice . and you are right i was being a codependent but not i just feel bad for her more than anything . her family even looks at her with a little bit of disgust. she took a flight two weeks ago to go visit her family she left drunk landed drunk and the first thing she did was go and get another drink . when she has stooped drinking for a while she changes back into who she was . but once any little problem or discomfort happens she gos back into wanting to go out side the relationship and back into drinking its her way of coping with issues .

i watched my sister do the same thing from the age of 18 to 30 now just drinking and partying .and now i see my soon to be ex wife going down the same road its hard not to feel bad and want to help and change the person . but i understand that i cant i just have to get far away and wish her the best of luck and hopefully she will wake up before something really bad happens . were young today but you older people can understand time moves by really quick you can be 21 today and wake up being 30 wondering where all that time went.

i went and got help with a psychologist and i am working on my self . but as any good person would that is watching some one . go down a bad path i have to worry for them in a healthy way at least i am not worried to where its hurting me i have let go of that already . but i do worry because i watched some one close lose a big portion of there life doing the same things .and now my sister is still not happy is still seeking out men for comfort but has not matured en ought to be able to attract some one serious . and has not matured enough to see her mistakes and try and fix them. its sad to watch .

but i am focusing on me and trying to get as far away from this as possible .once our divorce is finalized i will cut my ex wife out of my life completely .ive already deleted pictures and gotten rid of anything that ties me to good memories of her . ive done this just as a start the next step is to move far and stop all contact.

thank you all for your words of advice

@ dandelion when we first meet she didn't drink much all the changes where she says shes not happy happen once she started drinking . you are right every one has the right to drink i believe so also its her choice which is why i filled for divorce i made that my choice . and you are right i was being a codependent but not i just feel bad for her more than anything . her family even looks at her with a little bit of disgust. she took a flight two weeks ago to go visit her family she left drunk landed drunk and the first thing she did was go and get another drink . when she has stooped drinking for a while she changes back into who she was . but once any little problem or discomfort happens she gos back into wanting to go out side the relationship and back into drinking its her way of coping with issues .

i watched my sister do the same thing from the age of 18 to 30 now just drinking and partying .and now i see my soon to be ex wife going down the same road its hard not to feel bad and want to help and change the person . but i understand that i cant i just have to get far away and wish her the best of luck and hopefully she will wake up before something really bad happens . were young today but you older people can understand time moves by really quick you can be 21 today and wake up being 30 wondering where all that time went.

i went and got help with a psychologist and i am working on my self . but as any good person would that is watching some one . go down a bad path i have to worry for them in a healthy way at least i am not worried to where its hurting me i have let go of that already . but i do worry because i watched some one close lose a big portion of there life doing the same things .and now my sister is still not happy is still seeking out men for comfort but has not matured en ought to be able to attract some one serious . and has not matured enough to see her mistakes and try and fix them. its sad to watch .

but i am focusing on me and trying to get as far away from this as possible .once our divorce is finalized i will cut my ex wife out of my life completely .ive already deleted pictures and gotten rid of anything that ties me to good memories of her . ive done this just as a start the next step is to move far and stop all contact.

thank you all for your words of advice

My father was a drinker.

Was he an alcoholic, I don't know.

We have our own separate lives, we don't have much in common, and I can't change him and vice versa.

What I can say is my father is still here at 79, and my codependent mother was dead at 39.

She didn't smoke, didn't drink, died of cancer.

I dont believe the stress of banging her head against the wall trying to get my dad to "conform" was very good for HER health.

I'm glad you've taken healthy steps and are taking care of you.

God/the universe runs other people's lives.

We don't.

@dandelion

Thanks for you're words and yeah you are right . We don't run other's lives it took me two years of headaches to realize these things ..and to something you said earlier she doesn't want another man in the sense as she wants to be with some one else . She seems to have really low self worth . All she wants is sex with other guys to get that feeling of some one wanting her that initial urge people get when they meet and crave some one new . She has had other relationships and they have all ended . In her eyes and from her words I have been the best guy she has ever been with and I am a really good guy but she feels like she isn't good enough for me and I am too good for her . All of these things and her past and the relationships she's had with other boyfriends and her family makes me think that she s hurting and in a way self sabotaging her life. She kept saying she wanted to be separated and would take her weeding rings off this last month we made it official were separated and she hasn't moved her rings since it's weird . She shows signs that she wants to be with me and that she wants help but then god right back into covering up her problems rather than facing them. I like to figure out how people tick it's just how I'm wired . And what I have noticed is that with every little argument we have or any issues with her family she has . The deeper she pushes her self into drinking to not think about her problems . When everything is calm she is happy with me and satisfied when a little rain hits she wants to be single and party. It's almost like she is hurting her self on purpose to punish her self for the things she has done wrong . She her self feels that not having me in her life isn't going to be good for her but yet she doesn't do anything to stop It or change her actions .

I belive that is you trip over a wire and fall once it you can do it again but if you fall 3 or four times over the same wire how could you not see it the next time and not make the same mistakes it's mind blowing but . I hope she can find god and he can guide her

I think there's a family and friends of alcoholics forum here somewhere. Maybe you want to check it out.

I stick with codependency stuff because that's what i saw growing up so I'm learning about healthier relationships.

If you're working on yourself and leading by example she may come to the conclusion by herself that you have a life that looks good to her. She may decide her way really isn't making her happy. She may decide to change direction.

Maybe, maybe not. We have choices. We have free will.

There is a family and friends of addicts group here and here is the link:

https://www.dailystrength.org/group/families-friends-of-addicts