Only you can decide if what you gain from parenting is worth the freedom you give up. I have an adult son, 27, but my wife never had kids, and we couldn't conceive. We adopted three littlem ones from the foster care system. I'm 53, and she is 42. I say we're done, but she wants a fourth. My biggest fear is that I will croak and leave her raising four kids. It doesn't seem to bother her in the least. FYI, she was adopted. If you are seeking a domestic newborn,I won't lie, age isn't on your side when a seventeen year old girl is choosing parents for her baby. Some other countries discriminate based on age or even body mass index, others don't. Before you look further, I think you do need to decide whether you want to parent at all, and their are pluses and minuses. BTW, when they put a newborn in your arms, you will probably find the love you feel overpowering, no matter how you thought you'd feel. Good luck

Bobcat,My wife and I had one daughter who is now 27.We wanted a larger family but it just didn't happen we would go into a tailspin when my sister in law would announce they were having another baby.Since then we have adopted 4,have 1 permanent foster child and are planning to adopt 2, 4 year old girls.Somewhere during this we no longer felt the sadness of not having any more biological children.I am 54 and my wife will soon be 46.It is of course different for us having had 1 biological daughter and have had children in our home continually since my daughter was born.The most important concern I see that you have is the lifestyle change.Good luck.

While I can't speak to having experience with adopting after infertility issues, I can say that I don't think you should think of your life as "selfish". Whether or not you go on to adopt kids or not, your life is yours and your choices are yours. There is nothing selfish about having the time, money, resources and choices you have as a parent with no kids at home vs. a parent with kids at home.

HI I can tell you how it feels for me to be pursuing adoption after three failed pregnancies. I am not infertile since I can conceive; the problem is that they just die for no particular reason. Like anyone else that has dealt with these cards we tried different things (clomid, progesterone, bed rest, accupunture, meditating, DNA studies) nothing worked. My doctor said that since he does not know why they die; I could keep training until one would be born. He said "it is a matter of numbers". For me it was not a matter of numbers but childrend that die; and hope that died with each of them.

After the mourning; we decided to pursue adoption. Yes, I did think and cry and mourn that my child will not look identical to me as my sister's children look. I wondered in angst how it would be feel to have a child that I did not birth. But slowly my paradim shifted. I started to meet adoptive parents and adoptees. Once you embark on this journey it seems they come out from every way you turn. One of them said something that resonated with me: "your child may not have your talents or husband's talents but he/she will come with a completely diffierent and special set of talents that you may have never been able to provide at all". This is so simple but it really shifted things for me as I was focusing all my energies on what the child will not have instead of the what they will have.

I wont lie to you that it goes away all at once. No; once in a while for a fraction of second I think "maybe I should go another time" and then immediately I remember the surgeries, the lost nerve pain on my leg due to surgery; the monumental hole inside my heart due to loss; and I am back to being 150% sure of my choice.

The bottom line is that you get over not having your biological child when your desire to be a parent is stronger than your desire to replicate your genes. It is all in the way you look at things. Good luck and I hope this has helped.

Hi bobkat,

I failed at fertility treatments myself and even went off psych meds for a year trying to conceive. I could care less if the child I get is biologically mine because all I can think about is being a forever family with a little one who needs all the love and support I can give them. My husband and I are adopting thru our state and may get a child with mental or physical challenges. You'll know adoption is right when that hole in your heart is filled with the knowledge of having a new life in your own and knowing you are making a difference.

Hi Bobkat, I'm moving over here from the infertility board and have many of the same questions. My brain is working in overdrive and I am overwhelmed thinking about learning this process (after learning all the infertility jargon for the past four years).
Thanks for the insight, everyone. DaveinTexas, I think you are going to be my new expert as we move on to foster adoption.

Bobkat... I know first hand what you are mean by "selfish". I used that term through most of my 20's and just wasn't ready to change my lifestyle AT ALL!!! I ended up marrying a wonderful man who could not have children. Then the old saying kicked in "you always want what you can't have" and I longed for a child so much. Now being in my 30's still without a child my husband and I decided to do foster care. We hope to be able to adopt more than anything. It is a little weird knowing that you did not genetically create this child but from my own experience just holding that child and having her look into your eyes...even if they are not the same color as your own...it just melts my heart. I feel like an offical mommy and I couldn't be more happier! Just my prospective that I thought I would share. Good Luck!

my husband and I tried for 2 years to conceive naturaly and just could not do it. The infertility treatments we had looked at were so expensive -- and with no guarantees -- that we just naturally decided to adopt instead. We started off trying to adopt a baby from China but there were many delays, so we changed our application to Vietnam. Within 1 year, we had our baby girl! And we couldn't be more pleased and happy. I am 45 and my husband is 50.

My husband and I also struggle with infertility and we are still pursing the hope of having one of our own but we also still want to adopt. Even if we have a child of our own we would like to open our home up to adoption. We also looked at Chinese adoptions but it is a very long wait and there are so many loopholes to jump through. We have now decided to go with our state to give someone a forever home. I have a cousin who was adopted and she went on the search for her birthmother when she was 20. She finally found her and found out that she was only 14 when she had her and they are now very good friends. I believe adoption is a great thing. It is much better than the alternative choice that women have when they are pregnant.

I was adopted and at times I do wonder what would have happened if I hadn't been but I do believe that adoption is a way of giving a child a better way of life. If you believe that you and your husband could be giving a child a better way of life then most definitely adopt. Also if you want to raise a child and be a mom then go for it. My adoptive parents have never treated me like I am anything less. Once you have that baby in your arms, it is yours and will always be yours. Just because the child isn't biologically yours does not mean in any way that you have failed. This is just the way that it is meant to be. I don't know what your religious views are and I am not trying to push this on you but God made you infertile for a reason. Maybe He wants you to give a child a better life....
Whatever choice you make you have to be 100% sure on it and it will be the right one no matter what you decide! Good Luck! :)

Just my opinion. I was adopted out the foster system when I was 16. There are many children who aren't infants who need great parents. Maybe starting as a foster parent and working into the adoption of an older child might be a possibility. That way you wouldn't really be starting over.

HI bobcat: Wow you sound like we did last year. I am the same age as you and your DH is the same age as my DH. We went through 5 years of IF with 3 m/c.
I am so glad that we decided to begin the process of adoption two years ago. Our approval was made last Jan 2010 and we have been waiting ever since. We have tried every avenue and are on wait lists for private, international and Children's aid. We are hoping that this is the year that we are chosen. All of our friends who have adopted all say the same thing, once that child is in your arms, biology goes out the window and love just over flows in your heart. We do have a lot of adoptive friends and their journey's are very different, but they love their parents and birth parents. If you decide that adoption is right for the two of you, the journey through the paper work and courses is eye opening and will bring you both closer together.

Hi there. I found out when I was 18 that I would never be able to carry a child and when I met my husband and I knew he was the one I told him right away and he said that's ok we will adopt. I am 38 now and he is 41 and we took placement of a now 3yr old lil boy and his 18 mo old sister in May through the foster to adopt program. I completely understand what you are feeling. We have been married for 14 yrs so I completely understand about that selfish stage. When we took placement our lives turned totally upside down to be honest it hasn't always been easy but we are growing as a family and each day is getting easier.

You and your husband are the only ones that can make that final decision on whether adoption is right for you. My husband and I talked about for many years and then something would happened and then we didn't think about it again and we just finally said it we really want this then we just need to jump in and do it and we did. It is not short process and it can take a while depending on what type of adoption. We chose to work with an agency in our area that works with CPS and we decided the foster to adopt program was right for us. Good luck to you and your husband!!

hi, i went through the early menopause about 26, we tried fertilty drugs but they never worked, our only hope was adoption. my husband and i adopted a little boy in 2006. i was 35 at the time and my husband was 45. i think to myself this little boy was meant for me thats why i could'nt have kids of my own.

I have not gone through the emotional process of infertility, but wanted to weigh in with my small bit of experience in case it helps someone. I'm the parent of both a biological and adoptive child(ren).

Most people do wonder if they will feel the same towards a child who is not biologically theirs. Honestly, I love kids, but not as much if they aren't *mine*....however, somewhere along the way each child we chose to take *became* mine when we bonded. My husband and I have genuinely come to the agreement that we don't feel differently to any of the children based on their genes....each one has different talents/quirks/personality (despite the fact that our adoptive children all have the same mother and father), and they each have moments they make us proud and moments they frustrate us :-)

No one can tell you how to feel, or how you will feel, but it's a journey that many people find worth taking and walking one step at a time. Best of luck in your choices!