"You are never given more than you can handle"
How many of us have heard that at one time in life or another ... or at least some version of it? I know I have and I've thought God knows something about me that I don't know about myself because I honestly feel about to break.
Have I made mistakes in life? of course. Have I done things I wish I hadn't? of course I have. Have I tried to learn from all of that? I have ~ sometimes I've succeeded and other times I'm still fighting those choices. Overall, I'm a good person. I work hard to help others have a better life. While it is a paying job it's so much more. It's a passion ... a mission ... a purpose. I know I'm opinionated, I'm blunt, I'm a tough person to show emotion but I do when those get passed the wall I've created. I'm honest enough to tell a merchant they gave me too much change, I'll give someone money or clothing or food that they so much need, I'll lend a hand if asked ~ I try to help others in life. So then why do I feel like God is using me as target practice??????????
Nothing will ever be more life altering or painful than the death of my son. Losing Randy Lee from my life at the age of 18 brought me to my knees. There are days even 13 yrs later I'm still in that moment.
I haven't told anyone other than 2 friends what I'm about to write but I'm to the point I just need to let it out. For the past 4 months I have thought almost constantly of suicide. I know in my heart - to the core of my being that it's a sin, its wrong and when it comes to it I don't think I would do it. I can't shake the feeling. My husband, whom I've actually been with for 15 yrs. not only lied to me but "cyber" cheated on me. It cost him his job due to statements said to a co-worker to be sexually harassing even though she engaged in it as well. He got his just desserts being fired. His reaction made me feel it was more than taunting comments. He left work telling our boss "I have to get home, pack and get out of town before she knows". Really? He packed & ran. Drove hundreds of miles before coming back. He came back because in my anger I pretty much drained the checking account and he didn't have any money. Mean? HELL YES! Deserved? I think so. Then he talks to me and admitted he has cheated physically. Not with this girl at work but at least 4 others, all but 1 one time things but this one a relationship. My stance - liar, cheater and I will never trust you again. His - I'm sick, I need help. REALLY?? Cause I don't want to help you - to know you -- or even have to see you. He's begging forgiveness, in therapy, says he's working on the ocd thoughts to do this but -- even being a mental health worker - this just feels like a cop out to me so he doesn't have to take responsibility for being a fool. I can't get beyond anger. My friends are saying I should at least try therapy with him even though he says it's all him, not me and it wouldn't matter if he were married or not - he feels compulsed to do this. REALLY?? Then I see the girl at work he texted with and the one he cheated with and both of them are honestly more than 1/2 his age. They're kids (over 21 but kids). A 45 yr old man going after a 22 yr old is sick. His excuse after swearing he had "safe sex" was to say "I've always wanted to be a dad. I think that's what is driving me to cheat. To hope she got pregnant and we would have a baby. The WE was in his warped mind he & I. I don't want to raise another woman's child and what makes him thing this girl would hand over her child? It never happened but REALLY? In the middle of working to get custody of our niece and nephew - he threw all of that away for this? He thinks we can get by this and be stronger. I don't. He lost his job, isn't even looking for another, I can't stand the sight of him and I would break his hand if he dared think about touching me. Just let it go? NO! I can't do that and if by the grace of God I could see how to do that I know I will never, never , not for a second ever trust him. How can you have a life without trust? I want a divorce and everyone is saying i'm rushing into that. I just want him gone - from my house - from my life - from my planet if I could. That is the greatest form of disrespect a man can show a woman.
For me, I'm crushed. I feel stupid for trusting again. My wall is so large now I feel alone. I know I'm going to spend the rest of my time on this earth alone. I can live with that. It just means not being able to get my knee surgery done because I won't have support to help me get through that. I feel less trustful to the few in my life now because of him. I feel angry - I feel disrespected - I feel like "GOD - when is it enough? How much more do I have to endure?" WHY???????????
Have I made mistakes in life? of course. Have I done things I wish I hadn't? of course I have. Have I tried to learn from all of that? I have ~ sometimes I've succeeded and other times I'm still fighting those choices. Overall, I'm a good person. I work hard to help others have a better life. While it is a paying job it's so much more. It's a passion ... a mission ... a purpose. I know I'm opinionated, I'm blunt, I'm a tough person to show emotion but I do when those get passed the wall I've created. I'm honest enough to tell a merchant they gave me too much change, I'll give someone money or clothing or food that they so much need, I'll lend a hand if asked ~ I try to help others in life. So then why do I feel like God is using me as target practice??????????
Nothing will ever be more life altering or painful than the death of my son. Losing Randy Lee from my life at the age of 18 brought me to my knees. There are days even 13 yrs later I'm still in that moment.
I haven't told anyone other than 2 friends what I'm about to write but I'm to the point I just need to let it out. For the past 4 months I have thought almost constantly of suicide. I know in my heart - to the core of my being that it's a sin, its wrong and when it comes to it I don't think I would do it. I can't shake the feeling. My husband, whom I've actually been with for 15 yrs. not only lied to me but "cyber" cheated on me. It cost him his job due to statements said to a co-worker to be sexually harassing even though she engaged in it as well. He got his just desserts being fired. His reaction made me feel it was more than taunting comments. He left work telling our boss "I have to get home, pack and get out of town before she knows". Really? He packed & ran. Drove hundreds of miles before coming back. He came back because in my anger I pretty much drained the checking account and he didn't have any money. Mean? HELL YES! Deserved? I think so. Then he talks to me and admitted he has cheated physically. Not with this girl at work but at least 4 others, all but 1 one time things but this one a relationship. My stance - liar, cheater and I will never trust you again. His - I'm sick, I need help. REALLY?? Cause I don't want to help you - to know you -- or even have to see you. He's begging forgiveness, in therapy, says he's working on the ocd thoughts to do this but -- even being a mental health worker - this just feels like a cop out to me so he doesn't have to take responsibility for being a fool. I can't get beyond anger. My friends are saying I should at least try therapy with him even though he says it's all him, not me and it wouldn't matter if he were married or not - he feels compulsed to do this. REALLY?? Then I see the girl at work he texted with and the one he cheated with and both of them are honestly more than 1/2 his age. They're kids (over 21 but kids). A 45 yr old man going after a 22 yr old is sick. His excuse after swearing he had "safe sex" was to say "I've always wanted to be a dad. I think that's what is driving me to cheat. To hope she got pregnant and we would have a baby. The WE was in his warped mind he & I. I don't want to raise another woman's child and what makes him thing this girl would hand over her child? It never happened but REALLY? In the middle of working to get custody of our niece and nephew - he threw all of that away for this? He thinks we can get by this and be stronger. I don't. He lost his job, isn't even looking for another, I can't stand the sight of him and I would break his hand if he dared think about touching me. Just let it go? NO! I can't do that and if by the grace of God I could see how to do that I know I will never, never , not for a second ever trust him. How can you have a life without trust? I want a divorce and everyone is saying i'm rushing into that. I just want him gone - from my house - from my life - from my planet if I could. That is the greatest form of disrespect a man can show a woman.
For me, I'm crushed. I feel stupid for trusting again. My wall is so large now I feel alone. I know I'm going to spend the rest of my time on this earth alone. I can live with that. It just means not being able to get my knee surgery done because I won't have support to help me get through that. I feel less trustful to the few in my life now because of him. I feel angry - I feel disrespected - I feel like "GOD - when is it enough? How much more do I have to endure?" WHY???????????
Replies
This IS such a heartbreak and only YOU will know what it is you need to do. I have stood by many far too many and understand that this is your choice and only you can know what you can live with and what you cannot.
To be honest, I have never liked that statement because there are times when I truly believe that we are given way too much and it\'s okay to cry out with a \"Halt\" \"Stop\" this is too much!
Of course you feel crushed and everything else that is coming into your mind and heart. Please look out for yourself for now, for this moment and do not look too far down the path. Do whatever it is you need to do for this minute, moment and day and I will be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. What courage it takes to journal about such a devastating blow and I am holding it gently with you. I am SO, SO sorry... Truly I am...
YOU matter, your feelings matter, your life matters and YOU are not alone. Your sisters of the heart are enfolding you and wherever you need to lean one of us is there holding you up for as long as is needed. Please trust this and feel it deeply. This image and believing this has helped me get through some very painful times.
Loving care and heartfelt prayers,
XO Joanie
I would like to share with you, I also had a husband who was unfaithful, I was given a book that helped me a lot. The minister of my church gave me a book, it\'s not a new one and may not be easily available but it changed my thinking. \'Love must be tough\" by Dr James Dobson. It\'s an easy read and is really more about self esteem. Maybe it will give you some things to think about. The choices are yours. You are worthy of love and respect.
I\'m so impressed with your work and all you have done to help people. The love of Randy Lee always shines through your journals. He is your shining star and you are his precious mom.
Hugs, Debbie
I am so very sorry for this hurt you have received. You do not deserve this for sure. I pray that you will be kind to yourself and do whatever is best for you. As Joanie said you are an inspiration to us here and I want you to know we are holding our arms around you right now. Be well and feel the peace coming from us. Hugs, Kathy
Thank you all. I took a few days, got out of town to clear my head. The timing of this weekend adds so sadness as well. I think my biggest struggle is I work and stress moving on and understanding addictions. I guess I can\'t stand with him that he has an addiction other than being a selfish fool. Moving forward...again I have no option other than to so that. Again thank you all. Your words mean more than you know. (((Hugs)))
OMG, yes - I can\'t stand that expression. I\'m sure most people who say it never have been given very much to handle! I\'m so sorry to hear about your husband - I don\'t know what to say, really, except f*&# him. You are so much more better than that and deserve so much more - whatever you decide is the best thing to do, I hope you can put your own well being first. Losing your son is more than enough to bear in a lifetime so take good care of yourself, sweetie. Joanna x