When will I believe it.
I hate myself and what I see in the mirror. My therapist has been trying to work on my self image issues. Actually everybody has been trying to work on that my whole life. And I try to listen, but when will I believe it. My last therapy appt he talked about how I should give myself credit. Look how far I've come and how strong I am. That I've perserved. That I don't give into my violent thoughts. He said, I know my warning signs and triggers. I take the steps to get help right away the moment I feel trouble. And that he wished he had more patients like me, in that regard. Then I not quite sure what he said next, because my mind started to drift again. I've actually been to motivational seminars with some of the best speakers in the country. Colin Powell, Bill Cosby, and award winning coach Lou Holts where some of the speakers at one of them. I've read motivational books. But for some reason, nothing is getting through. Because I don't see it that way. I see a loser and failure who has let his mental illness win and ruin his life. I'm a dumb ass who doesn't understand things and can't do a thing right. What some people make look easy is hard for me. When people talk to me I always say dumb things letting everyone know i'm an idiot. I have zero confidnece I can do the simplist of things. Yes, I'm a fuck up. I couldn't go to college or gotten an education. Hell, I barely made it though high school. I can't keep a job and I'm forced to live with family because I can't live on my own. The only thing I like about myself is my compassion and kindness. I promised myself I will never hate another human being, no matter what they've done. That I must feel love for everyone. I take Christ's commandment "love each other as he has loved us" very seriously. I know it's vital for me to learn to love myself, now. But when will I?
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Hang in there friend. I struggle to love myself too. We are hardest in ourselves
You love yourself enough to have found this support group and reach out eh? That’s something! You love yourself enough to see motivational speakers and see a therapist eh? That’s something too!! :)
Maybe see that you don’t have to be ‘all or nothing’ ??I am glad to see that you like something’s about yourself!! That’s something too!!:)
Peace..
it's hard for me to see good things in me at times. for some reason your message here today helped me
recognize that I have some good things about myself as well as receive so much or many good things from
those around me. We all have to deal with the changes within ourselves everday (as one psychiatrist said to me)
and yet we then each have to find ways to get ourselves back on track. It's 'exactly that ability' I am seeing or starting
to appreciate within myself and about myself today - as well as the super magnitude of daily support I receive
from all those in my life. We each give that to each other. I'm not saying that I suddenly appreciate everything about myself.
In fact right now I am trying to see some good about myself from another interaction I had this morning.
I feel like parsing out a generality about it - or an incremental chunks like measure tool - not all or nothing - seems
to be a way to go. It helps me appreciate that I am not a perfect person and also in that I am in good company.
Peace Mich!
When will you look in the mirror and love the person you see?
When you really get to the root of why you feel the way that you do.
It's not because you let mental illness win (you haven't!), or because you didn't go to college, or because you don't have a job. From what I witness of your compassionate and insightful feedback on the bipolar board, not only are you overcoming the challenges of living with mental illness, but you are helping others do the same. That's HUGE! I can also assure you that even if you had gone to college or if you did have a job, you would likely still feel the same way about yourself. The self-hatred goes much deeper than that.
I struggle with the same self-image issues and have been in therapy since 2008 (bipolar II and C-PTSD). All three of my therapists over the years were "talk therapists" primarily using CBT, DBT, and ACT. Even though they were all helpful in some way, I still felt like dirt and undeserving of love. They would tell me how resilient and intelligent and "amazing" I was, but I could never believe the kind words, no matter how hard I tried. I had long heard of EMDR and "parts work" as part of the treatment for C-PTSD, and I finally decided that I was done with the surface work that didn't really get to the heart of my self-hatred. I've only been working with my EMDR-trained therapist for two months now, but I'm already sensing a (small) shift in how I feel about myself. (I said "zero" a few weeks ago when my therapist asked how deserving I feel of love on a scale of 1-10, so even a little progress is good!)
Feelings of self-worth are generally established based on the feedback we receive from the people around us during childhood. When we are criticized or shamed by parents, siblings, teachers, fellow students, etc., we begin to believe that we really are as awful, dumb, incompetent, (fill in the blank), as they say we are. If you haven't worked with your current therapist to find the origin of why you feel the way you do, you will continue to see yourself in a negative light. Regardless of how many "accomplishments" or compliments you rack up as an adult, it will never be enough. If your therapist isn't helping you dig deep, then you might consider another therapist who will.
Wishing you happiness, self-acceptance, and peace.