When is enough, enough?
"God never gives you more than you can handle" ~ isn't that how the saying goes?
God certainly knows more about me than I know about myself? I'm not sure I have this covered but for some reason ~ God keeps adding more.
March 16 marked 13 years since his passing. It does not get easier ... it doesn't get a bit easier. In fact, I feel like it gets harder with each passing year.
My normal plan for that week is to take vacation from work so I don't have to be around others, to be alone and just be alone. This year ... for some reason that wasn't to be.
I woke up on 3/7 to hear that a very dear friend of my Bonus son Jason's had died. Tony was this bigger than life, happy, loving, caring, give you the shirt off his back just to help you kind of guy. He was an intrigent part of Jason's recovery. He saved Jason at one point for which I will forever be thankful. Tony's mom died the week before and he was just broken. She was his queen and the loss hit him hard. One choice ... one moment ... it was all gone. I'll never, ever understand addiction. What I understand is that it's evil, it's horrible and it's never over.
Jason took it hard. He started to hold it in, shut down and his wife didn't know what to do for him but was frightened what was happening. I reminded him he had so many who loved him, that were here for him and there was no excuse to not grab it. After some encouragement, pleading he opened up to her and that's good. He's not alone but just needed a reminder of that. My heart smiles when he calls me Momma D. I've said it before ~ Jason is a gift from Randy Lee and I am forever thankful for that.
I had to put on the "pretend to be okay" face during the worst week of my year. I just wanted to hide in bed, away from everyone and be alone. It wasn't in the plan this year.
We had gotten word that our niece & nephew were in danger. Their mom isn't the best and my brother in law is worse. He doesn't have contact with them. We love them so much and do our best to be there for them. It worried me, overwhelmed me to think of having to be "the mom figure" and all of what it means. A 10 yr old and a 7 yr old is a lot of responsibility. I'm not sure I have it in me. The day we were to pick them up they were removed from the home. Their mom made choices to have a boyfriend and other friends in the home who legally were not permitted there. The boyfriend beat our niece badly but she chooses him over her kids? I know if they stay with her they don't have a chance. They're already jaded in so many ways so part of me was glad they were removed. We are worried about them. My husband wants custody of them. I'm not sure what I want.
Went to the local memorial for Tony. His 7 yr old spoke and it broke my heart. Tony loved his kids and I'm sad for them and all the time they won't have him. Addiction stinks.
All of this and my heart is still broken. My face is still "I'm good" so ... a lie.
When is enough, enough? I want to scream out but what good does that do? So, instead I just hide it ~ a skill I'm perfecting.
Last night, a life long friend passed. She had stroke a few years ago, has had blood clots, a mass. She was sassy (that's so her!), blunt, honest, caring, crazy and so full of life. She was a pleasure to know. Again, while her daughters are both in their 20's it's still too young to lose their mom.
I slowly feel like I may be getting back to norm ... or what norm is these days.
God certainly knows more about me than I know about myself? I'm not sure I have this covered but for some reason ~ God keeps adding more.
March 16 marked 13 years since his passing. It does not get easier ... it doesn't get a bit easier. In fact, I feel like it gets harder with each passing year.
My normal plan for that week is to take vacation from work so I don't have to be around others, to be alone and just be alone. This year ... for some reason that wasn't to be.
I woke up on 3/7 to hear that a very dear friend of my Bonus son Jason's had died. Tony was this bigger than life, happy, loving, caring, give you the shirt off his back just to help you kind of guy. He was an intrigent part of Jason's recovery. He saved Jason at one point for which I will forever be thankful. Tony's mom died the week before and he was just broken. She was his queen and the loss hit him hard. One choice ... one moment ... it was all gone. I'll never, ever understand addiction. What I understand is that it's evil, it's horrible and it's never over.
Jason took it hard. He started to hold it in, shut down and his wife didn't know what to do for him but was frightened what was happening. I reminded him he had so many who loved him, that were here for him and there was no excuse to not grab it. After some encouragement, pleading he opened up to her and that's good. He's not alone but just needed a reminder of that. My heart smiles when he calls me Momma D. I've said it before ~ Jason is a gift from Randy Lee and I am forever thankful for that.
I had to put on the "pretend to be okay" face during the worst week of my year. I just wanted to hide in bed, away from everyone and be alone. It wasn't in the plan this year.
We had gotten word that our niece & nephew were in danger. Their mom isn't the best and my brother in law is worse. He doesn't have contact with them. We love them so much and do our best to be there for them. It worried me, overwhelmed me to think of having to be "the mom figure" and all of what it means. A 10 yr old and a 7 yr old is a lot of responsibility. I'm not sure I have it in me. The day we were to pick them up they were removed from the home. Their mom made choices to have a boyfriend and other friends in the home who legally were not permitted there. The boyfriend beat our niece badly but she chooses him over her kids? I know if they stay with her they don't have a chance. They're already jaded in so many ways so part of me was glad they were removed. We are worried about them. My husband wants custody of them. I'm not sure what I want.
Went to the local memorial for Tony. His 7 yr old spoke and it broke my heart. Tony loved his kids and I'm sad for them and all the time they won't have him. Addiction stinks.
All of this and my heart is still broken. My face is still "I'm good" so ... a lie.
When is enough, enough? I want to scream out but what good does that do? So, instead I just hide it ~ a skill I'm perfecting.
Last night, a life long friend passed. She had stroke a few years ago, has had blood clots, a mass. She was sassy (that's so her!), blunt, honest, caring, crazy and so full of life. She was a pleasure to know. Again, while her daughters are both in their 20's it's still too young to lose their mom.
I slowly feel like I may be getting back to norm ... or what norm is these days.
Replies
So sorry for Tony and family. Jason is in my prayers as well as your niece and nephew. Life is so very hard, it would be great if we didn\'t have to pretend to be okay. You and hubby would have your hands full with two growing kids. I was faced with the same think but it was only one boy. I couldn\'t take him and another sister in law did. It has been so very hard as time goes on. He has many issues due to the family interactions. I resented that it was commented for my husband and I to take the responsiblity for him when our girls are gone. I am glad I didn\'t consider it. It would have been too much for us. I am thinking of you as you struggle each day. Remember one day at a time, or minute if you need. Hugs xoxox
It really gets old pretending that we are ok to make things easier for other people. I hope everything works out for your niece and nephew. I cannot imagine choosing a man over your children. I am so sorry for the loss of Tony and your friend. Hugs,
I never found comfort in that sentence ever and often let Spirit know that it\'s enough and please to allow me a time to gather my footing once again.
I\'m sorry that you have had so much coming your way and what I have found is that since my loss of my son I just don\'t have the reserves like I used to. Everything touches me deeply and it ways it might not have before. I can feel this within you as I read your journal and so understand...
Hoping your heart can find some respite.
Gentle care,
XO Joanie
I\'m so sorry to hear about Tony - you are right about addiction. It is a terrible disease that causes so much pain and is so hard to get out from under. You have such a lot going on around you, I hope your niece and nephew are doing okay despite everything - they are lucky to have you in their lives. I can\'t get my head around people who so take their children for granted like that - there\'s no making sense of any of it. Take care of yourself and hoping you find some peace ~ Joanna x
I am so sorry that you are having to deal with so much....My ability to handle what life throws at us is so diminished now. I just don\'t have the stamina to \"deal\" and be there for others in ways I would like....I feel deeper, now.
I, too, was faced with taking Hunter or having him live with \"family\" that was better for him - my heart still aches sometimes....I know though I would not have been good for him....Life just sometimes is so hard to understand, if we ever do......I\'m sorry.....((((((hugs))))) Vicki